were you willing to speak to your WS?<P>D-day for my H was last Wed., 12/20. He's due home tonight, weather permitting. I realize a week isn't a long time to process what's happened, but does anyone have any idea how long it might take before he'd be willing to talk, if at all?<P>I'm afraid he might move out before I have a chance to tell him how sorry I am for all the pain I've caused him.<BR>

Write it down in a love letter...<P>Don't beat yourself down...<BR>...but be honest.<P><B>More importantly</B>...<BR>...let him know how tirelessly you are going to work on you...<BR>...in meeting his needs<BR>...and encouraging him meeting your needs...<BR>...and that you'll cut back on arguments (LBs... if any)<P>Let him know you forgive him...<BR>...but that you forgive yourself too...<BR>...so if he isn't ready to forgive you...<BR>...he'll at least know an important hurdle has been crossed (by you!)<P>Men, in general, have a hard time talking...<BR>...a short (let me emphasize <B>short</B>) love letter is best.<P>Best of luck...<BR>...the east coast storm may give you a little more time to compose it!<BR>...stay safe and warm.<P> <P>Jim

Susie - I was talking to my wife almost continuously leading up to and after d-day, but you can't compare your situation to mine, because according to my wife, there never was a d-day because there was/is no affair. Others will be able to answer your question better - the ones where the affair ended upon discovery.<P>The real point of my reply to you was to recognize Jim's differing view on the letter approach to your husband. As you know, several of us pooh-poohed the letter idea in favor of a more personal, look-him-in-the-eyes approach. Jim is well respected, so consider his advice. This shows that you have to decide what's best for you. We don't know you or your husband, and can only relate to what WE would do in your place.<P>Maybe the best way to cover your bases is to write a letter to have ready if he won't talk, or if you find out when the time comes that you can't say it the way you wanted. Then you have the letter to fall back on.<P>WAT

Suzie,<BR>I'm sorry you and your H are going through this pain. NSR has given you some good advice. Are you ready to agree to no contact, and complete honesty and accountability? Tell him the steps you are taking to make sure there is no contact, and that your H knows where you are at all times. Keep in mind also, that your Hs pain will come up on him every day. You could tell him you are sorry every day. He is going through something that is so painful he will not be able to control what he says at times. If he does start speaking to you it may not be nice what he says. I know it probably goes against the MBs principles, but in the first month or two I called my W a sl*t, and a who*e, many times and I don't apoligize for it. Are you ready to hear these sorts of things? Try to remember, if your H stays, it's because he loves you. The anger, and name calling will pass and you'll reach a point where you can begin to heal.<P>It's so hard to say how long Suzie. Your H is in shock, but I'd say after a week he probably knows if, underneath his pain, he feels a kind of love that is worth trying to save. I felt that in about a week. Please try to understand, though, that you're in for a rough ride whatever happens, and try to understand that your H did not ask for this. I know you say you realize this now, but try to remember it when things get tough. Keep sharing, there are many of us willing to help. You're not alone.<BR>Dave

Thanks, Dave. And a definite YES to no contact, complete honesty and accountability. I don't know if you've read my earlier posts, but D-day was a result of my H putting a wiretap on our phone. He heard many conversations I had with MM and he keeps listening to the tape again and again.<P>I'd never DREAM of contacting MM again after what I've put my H through.<P>I just hope his week with his mother didn't result in a lot of negative reinforcement and he won't want to try - I'm absolutely terrified of that.

Susie,<BR>Your H listens to the tape partly because he can't really believe this has happened. It's shocking to us. Then he listens because he becomes obsessed with it. Staying angry can be a way of not facing the devastating feelings of humiliation, and shame. I wasn't real sucessful with this - I cried often for the first few weeks. I found some horrible things my wife had written, and it hurts me to this day, but I put them away. I no longer want to cause myself pain. Your husband needs to keep the tape, but put it away someplace where he can't get at it easily. I've been dealing with this for 4 months Susie. It's tough. I wish you all the best luck tonight. If your H decides to stay, besides getting angry, he'll probably begin to ask you all about the A. He'll probably ask painful things, and then he won't like your answer. Like I said - it's tough, but we've made it through those early phases. This will be the worst thing you've had to go through, but you can make it to the other side. Hang in - let us know how it goes tonight, and if your H wants to ask anything of someone who has suffered a horrendous betrayal, yet is trying to make the marriage work, tell him he can email.... dbrons@ptd.net <BR>Take care,<BR>Dave

I was willing the day after D-Day. But don't do it unless you are going to be HONEST about EVERYTHING!!!!!!!And I mean everything...every time I thought H had finally been honest about details, arrangements, how they were in private intimate moments, where...EVERYTHING...within a week, he'd drop a new bomb about something I asked and he had lied about....so in actuality I have had about 20 D-Days in 4 months...it has been too much and now I can not believe a single thing that comes from his mouth...this morning after 4.5 months of trying to make it work...I asked him to leave...If you are not willing to TOTALLY HONEST LEAVING NO FALSE IMPRESSIONS, jmho you should not be talking to him...<P>were you willing to speak to your WS?<P>D-day for my H was last Wed., 12/20. He's due home tonight, weather permitting. I realize a week isn't a long time to process what's happened, but does anyone have any idea how long it might take before he'd be willing to talk, if at all?<P>I'm afraid he might move out before I have a chance to tell him how sorry I am for all the pain I've caused him.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Susie7753:<BR><B>were you willing to speak to your WS?<P>D-day for my H was last Wed., 12/20. He's due home tonight, weather permitting. I realize a week isn't a long time to process what's happened, but does anyone have any idea how long it might take before he'd be willing to talk, if at all?<P>I'm afraid he might move out before I have a chance to tell him how sorry I am for all the pain I've caused him.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Suzie - <BR>I wnated to talk to my W straight away, the day I found out in fact. I hope he does too. I was devastated, but wanted to look at why it had happened - I'm sure he feels the same way.<P>Just be patient, calm & no lovebusters. We've talked a little re my probs, I hope you will be strong - from your comments I feel like you are genuinely sorry for what you have done - the letter idea sounds great. If you say thins from the heart, they have the best chance of being heard that way.<P>Tell him ow you feel, and tell us how it went.<P>I'm going to check out you're previous posts.