has anyone ever met the op and actually found them likeable? is it possible for an x and step to become friends?

Yes, I did and was friends so to speak with the OW. Quite honestly, she was a lot like me... Even told her that I would help her move when he did to her what he did to me. He never did legally marry her but the numer of years they lived together made it a common law marriage in their state of residence. When my H came back home 15 years later and then was killed in an auto accident, I called her and let her know and we kept in touch for awhile. She has 2 sons by him, and I felt it was important for the children.

I don't know that I'd call it friends. This woman knew my husband was married with 3 children. He appeared to have a happy home, a wife, a good job, 3 kids, etc. <P>She began as friends but she knew she wanted more. They began an affair and he left our family last Xmas Day 99.<P>I was in shock to find out he had an affair at the building where he worked, diff company, same building though.<P>She tried very hard to force him to divorce me right away and also they took visits within 2 weeks with my children.<P>It was horrible. I was very hurt by her. In the beginning , I blamed her. I know now that it was also my and my husband's fault, however, I stuck by him for 11 years thru drug, alcohol, gambling, golfing, fishing, sports, etc addictions. I saved his life literally from attempted suicide twice. Its too easy for him to say I was distracted by kids, or I was a nag or what ever, but the simple fact is , he met someone with less responsibility and he ran like a coward.<P>It took years for him to become what he appeared to be, I was the one who stayed home with the kids while he was out, plus worked a full time job and never denied him sex, for fear that would cause an affair.<P>I believe I did my best and won't take too much of the blame except for missing the signs of the affair. I was willing to try anything to save the marriage.<P>He is to blame because he made the marraige promise to me. However, I will never have respect for her for what she's done.<P>A year later, her and I spent an hour talking alone when she dropped off my kids. I have always been pleasant to her face, but deep down, I don't care for her. The only good thing I'll give her, is that she is good to my kids. <P>OK the second good thing, is I have someone so much better than the cheating, lying person I married, that she did me a favor in a small way. There is no way she'll ever find the happiness I have now with the man she is with. He's not the affectionate, doting, caring, concerned, gentle kind of guy that I am blessed with now.<P>I will always be civil to her in front of the kids. I have made it clear to her and my ex, that I am not their "friend" just the ex wife and children's mom. <P>I mean no disrespect to you, but from a betrayed wife, sure, we get along just fine, and we talk on the phone over the kids, so I know what goes on in my children's life, however, I will be glad the day he does to her what he did to me, only for the fact that, she could have been a strong woman and said, hey I won't be the cause of a marraige breakup. If we're meant to be, then if you ever divorce your wife, give me a call.<P>If she did that, he and I would be fine,she was nothing special at the moment, just there. Now he stays with her because he is STUCK with her. I get child support, I have the control. We slept together a few times in the very beginning of the break up. I've never slept with him after I divorced, but he tells me all the time, he'll be with me anytime I ask. Not that I would, I have more respect for myself but he offers.<P>He also tells me that he is not completely happy with his decision but he knows I won't give him another chance. Sure he could be lying, but I doubt it. He knows I have a boyfriend, am in love, and that I don't want him back.<P>So, to answer your question, she thinks I am her friend. Ex H even tells me she likes me. I don't like her, what she has done, or that she is a role model in my 3 daughters' life right now. But I am always pleasant to her and if you didn't know it before you saw us, you'd never guess the severity of how much I once hated her. <P>It is a lot easier to hate the OW than to admit your spouse was the cheater. But, OP are human, they make mistakes too. Its what they do after THEY realize they make the mistake that defines who they are. And if they chose to stay after that, I can't say I feel sorry for them when it happens back at them.<P>I have read some of your other posts, but couldn't figure out how to answer them. I'm sure you will get some negative comments yet there is also support to be found for OP here. I do believe we are all human and all make mistakes. <P>You have something to offer the betrayed spouses here, hopefully you'll be able to offer it if you remember that those who were betrayed will be very hurt by some of what you post. Remember that although you feel pain too, there is nothing like the devastation a woman feels when her whole family is destroyed.<P>Good luck either way, and don't always believe everything your BF / someone else's husband tells you because in the middle of an affair, there are always going to be plenty of lies surrounding everyone.<P>Dana<BR>

I knew the OW. She was my H's secretary. I liked her alot. She was really friendly toward me and our children. Did her job extremely well. That's saying a lot because my H is such a perfectionist. When I spoke to my H about her, I gave her glowig reccomendations and suggested that he really keep her happy so she would stay, blah blah blah.... So I guess they took care of eachother. <P>We were at a social event, which she helped coordinate, a couple of weeks before D-day. I spoke with her on the phone regarding some things for my H that same week. I didn't have a clue until the night of that event. It was something about the two of them that was strange. <P>Anyway, she new our families and the dedication that he and I had to our children. She didn't care. She even reminded him to get me something from the kids for mothers day! She knew what she wanted and she didn't care! There was never a need for another conversation between us. We have not seen each other since and she no longer works for my H. Yes, I liked her. But there is not point in ever meeting the other person. There is nothing to be gained.<P>They did what they did out of selfishness. I have never received an apology or anything else. In fact, she sent little "momentos" to my H for a couple of months after. I dont think I would have a kind word for her. So, I'm better off not seeing or talking to this loser ever again.<P>cleo<P><BR>so sorry for the ramble

Cleo,<P>It sounds like your h and you worked it out. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, except, we are divorced now, due to the affair.<P>Dana<BR>

I have seen the OW, she was at the hospital when my H surgery last May, in fact she acted like the wife. If my YS had not been with me I would have most likely slapped her & told her where to go. Luckily my son was so intent on seeing Daddy that he really didn't notice her.<P>I would never be friends with her, if my H & I divorce,& he marries her, it will be war. I don't think I could be civil to her even for the sake of my sons. Of course if OS does what he says he do, he wouldn't be welcome in her home.

OS..<P>In some cases yes they can become friends..<BR>like IF the couple were ALREADY divorced..but IF there is an Affair and the OP thinks they can be "good friends" with the BS they are only fooling themselves..<P>But I'd like to know...how you could look her in the face after you'd had an affair w/ her husband...destroyed her family..a total lack of respect for not only her, yourself, their kids, and the man you supposedly love???<P>And I'd like to know..how you trust that if he did this to her..someone he's been married to for many years..that he wouldn't do the same to you????<P>I know that when my dad married his OW he would call my mom and ask her to meet him..<BR>she went a few times..she became the OW in his new marriage..until she finally realized what an [censored] he was..<P>So again I ask you..what makes you think HE WILL BE FAITHFUL TO YOU if HE wasn't faithful <BR>to her??? When you also have such a disregard for the marriage vows??

Dear opposite shoes,<P>Since we know that you are the OP in the marriage of one of our other MB members, I find it very hurtful to read your post here. Someday I hope you gain the self respect to feel badly for participating in the destruction of a marriage.<P>I could never be friends with a person who had the lack of morality it takes to be deliberately involved with a married man. The opposite shoes you should be walking in are those of the person whose life will be so painfully affected by your actions.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Ditto what Terri said, Opposite Shoes.<P>You really have got me thinking, WHY are you even on here. Are you feeling guilt? If so then good. Use your guilt to guide you to do what's right. The road less traveled.<P>Do you really see yourself becoming "Friends" with someone you have caused so much pain? Don't you think before anyone could be a "Friend" with someone there would need to be mutual trust and respect? <P>I don't know what your hidden agenda is by posting here, maybe your conscience is bothering you, so why don't you tell us what you really want? Is it absolution or forgiveness for taking part in destroying a marriage and family? Because if it is, you should first make peace with yourself by ending your affair, then seek the forgiveness.<P>Jo<P>BTW: I also am aware that you are the OW involved in the marriage of one of our Regular MB Members.<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited January 14, 2001).]

I ditto what terri said. In fact, I used to be friends with a woman who made it a habit to have EMRs with married men (some with babies and very young children). One family fell apart because of her involvement. In counseling, I told my therapist that while I liked her, her behavior was disturbing and I felt uncomfortable about it. My counselor told me that as a married person, her influence was NOT GOOD on me and my H, and that we should stay away from her - unless she sincerely repented and showed a bunch of contrition (which I doubt will ever happen). So we're not friends any longer, and I don't really miss her. She had some good points, but that's not the issue here. I once knew a heroin addict/alcoholic who was the sweetest, most gentle soul you'd ever want to meet. Was he good for my well-being? Nope.<P>I think that the XOW falls into this category. There's nothing wrong with her, per se. She's just another human being, with feelings and thoughts. I think that she's very intelligent, witty, and interesting, and that under any other circumstances, I would have really liked her as a friend. But the fact that she *is* an XOW sort of closes the door to that kind of friendship relationship.<P>belld

For me,, NO,,she could never be a friend. My friends care about me as much as I care about them. They don't lie, cheat, sneak, stab me in the back. They respect me AND my family and support us as a unit rather than to try to destroy us. I'm VERY selective about my friends and she doesn't and will never qualify.

They always say that you can choose your friends, but not your family. Therefore, I could never be friends with someone who intentionally did this to another family.<P>If it so happens that my H and I divorce could I be civil to OW? I would hope so for the sake of my children, but I will never, ever have one ounce of respect for her. She knew my H was married (with two kids and a pregnant wife),pursued him and had a relationship with him for a year. It's not to say that my H was not to blame, but she continued to pursue him even when he tried to break it off.<P>Sorry, I'm a little bitter and find it frustrating that you are posting on this forum when it is meant to help and strengthen marriages.

The only acquaintance that the OW can expect from me is my foot with her [censored].

You know, 'ya gotta love Carolina Belle.<P>Way to sum it up hon.<P>allison

Hey CB, <BR>Is that rastlin' speak?

NO WAY WOULD I WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOME BROAD WHO HAD TO SNEAK AROUND WITH MY HUSBAND.<P> YOU SHOULD HEAR SOME OF THE THINGS OUR HUSBANDS SAY ABOUT YOU OW WHEN THEY GET OUT OF THEIR FOG. THEY WOULD NEVER TRUST YOU TO BE THEIR WIFE.

ladies and gentlemen - I think opposite shoes has left the building.....

Opposite Shoes,<P> Do you enjoy hurting people? Dont you think you have done enough damage to this MB member and her family.And on top of that, you have the nerve to post here?

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

She probably has a personality disorder..... <P>what a sad, pathetic pair of shoes.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*