My W is in an EA with another man. She's been in withdraw. I've been plan Aing for a couple of weeks now and have seen some results. We've gotten into a few "arguments" during which I've tried to avoid LBing, and done a half way decent job. But at least she has <I>talked</I> to me a few times. A few weeks ago, she told me that she was going to spend the New Year's weekend in NY with the OM (it's been since that time that I found the MB site and started Plan A). Yesterday, when she left (at 6:00 a.m.) she was somewhat kind and seemingly caring. She called to let us (our 2 daughters, 5 & 6 y/o) know that she got there OK. She was very cold and rude to me on the phone. Since that call, I've been so hurt and so angry. My girls are taking the brunt of my mood (I just haven't been very nice to them). Help. How do I get back to some feeling of emotional control when I'm so angry with her? She <I>can</I> show me a little care and kindness here, but as soon as she's with him, she's rude and cold. Words of encouragement would be <B>VERY</B> welcome right now. <P>You'll find the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000548.html" TARGET=_blank>details</A> in a somewhat long thread in the PlanA/PlanB section, or click <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000548.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A> if you want some more background. I've gotten some great advice here, and I'm going back to read some of the stuff in the other thread. But I'm hurting bad right now.<P>Thanks,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."

Bill,<P>If you want any chance of getting control of yourself and having any pride in what you are going, <B>treat your children well!</B><P>You W may go, she may stay, she may do many things but those children are your legacy to the world. Take good care of them and quit feeling sorry for yourself.<P>I appreciate that this is a hard time for you, but you are not making yourself an attractive alternative to OM by the way you are acting. Further, you aren't being a good father. Frankly, the only thing you can do now is be a good father. You have absolutely no control over your W and you won't ever. So do the right things, do the important things, take care of your children and take care of yourself.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear Bill,<P>I am so very sorry for your pain. Don't feel guilty about feeling bad -- you have every right in the world to feel down. As for her rudeness, it seems directly tied to the level of guilt she is feeling and guilt is a good thing as long as it is not being generated by you. Only a monster goes off and leaves their 2 little girls and H on New Years weekend to be with the OP. Somewhere inside her she knows that and is trying to combat it by being rude to you, probably hoping that you will get angry and then she can feel justified in what she is doing. Try hard not to give her a target. It will make her more frustrated in the short run, but also force her to face what she is doing. I think that is one of the big values of Plan A. It forces the WS to look at their own behavior and stop blaming everything on the BS.<P>As for your girls, they need you to be the strong, loving parent now. Your wife is not capable of giving them the love and security they need right now. It is not fair that you should have to be the strong parent when you are also having to deal with your own anger and hurt, but you need to do it anyways. Whatever comes in the future, you can look back and say that you dug deep and found the strength and focus to be a great parent when your little girls needed it the most.<P>Focus on the bright side, you have the girls for the weekend. My H just picked up my 5, 4, and 2 year old boys to stay overnight with him. I am miserable without them. I too am too distracted sometimes to give my kids the attention that they need. Here is what I try. I pick an activity to do with them and force myself to focus on them for a while. Then I take a mental break for my own feelings again. Sometimes I find to my amazement that I don't need a break -- my deep love for them takes over and gives me a sense of peace that even though H is out there doing his thing, I am here with my 3 miracle boys making memories that no one will ever take from me.<P>Hang in there!!!!

wld,<P>I'm really sorry that you are being put through this awful scenario. The biggest thing you need to do now is force yourself to be nice to your kids, take them somewhere, play with them, even invite friends over if you need to relieve yourself of some of the tension. You've got to put them first. I know how sickening this situation is, and I've been on the rollercoaster since June. It stinks. But kids don't understand it so you must force yourself to be OK while they are up.<P>If you want your marriage, you've got to stay the course. Be the best you can be, expect alot of crap to happen, but be the strong one for the sake of your family, even your wife, because she isn't playing with a full deck right now, same as mine and many other spouses as we all know. Someone has to be sane and keep the family together. It is just too bad that throughout this you have to live with the realization that your wife is with someone else. You aren't alone on that one.<P>I fully understand the rudeness cold telephone encounter. Believe me, I've been through a number of them, especially in the last month. But you have to understand that she is torn inside. It isn't that she wants to treat you like that, and it isn't that she doesn't like you, but being excited about being with OM and then being all cheery to you on the phone just don't go together. She is like a fish out of water, acting on impulse, and not considering you or the kids. It really stinks but you'll experience more rude tones, then one day it won't be like that, but the next it might be. Mine does the same thing, and when it is rude and cold, look out. It isn't a pretty sight, and completely illogical things come out of her. So hang on tight and prepare for some ups and downs.<P>When she comes back, expect her to be bizarre. You need to consider it a "phase", and don't focus on each stupid event that occurs. Any one event, regardless of what she says, should not be taken for what it seems. Trust me on that one.<P>As others have said, she probably would like for you to get mean and nasty, to justify any of her actions. DON'T DO IT. Dig deep to remain calm. I can personally tell you that being the sane one for the past 7 months while my wife was out having fun with OM has made me feel good about myself, and I will always have that with me regardless of what happens to our marriage. And the rude, cold, guilt ridden attitudes of our foggy spouses are implicit proof that they feel bad about what they are doing, and they will one day know what we put up with. What goes around comes around.<P>Finally, you know we are here, so post away and vent. Take things out by posting, not by LBing. If you need a mental break with the kids during the worst times, do things different, like make a tent out of all the chairs and blankets, put a blanket on the floor and make popcorn and watch a movie, go buy some craft stuff like big cardboard, and help them make shapes, whatever. Just do things that keep them busy and keep you busy too.<P>Hang in there, we are here for you.<P>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited December 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited December 30, 2000).]

Bill,<BR>I am literally picking my jaw up off the floor. I am just learning all about the Plan A and Plan B, but, it appears that your W, has complete disregard for you and her own children.<P>As a WS, I thank god that I was able to stop all contact once the A came out in the light of day. I only left my home once, and that was when my H had asked me to leave after some very painful days.<P>While Plan A seems good in theory, it only really seems to work when the WS is totally remorseful, and wants to rebuild the marriage. I may be way off mark, but, who knows?<P>We had plenty of lovebusting going on in our house after the A was discovered. But, in looking back, what I did to my h and my kids was horrible too! I wasn't a very good wife and mother while having the A, the WS never put anyone's needs ahead of there own.<P>However, after the discovery, and each and every day since then, I look at my kids, and think, that I could have, or even still could lose them! That to me is too much for me to bear.<P>While I am still in shock that I could have done such a horrendous thing, the only reasons I have felt for leaving are my own guilt and shame. Never to be with the OM. As far as I'm concerned, I hope that I never see them again. <P>Anyway, I hope you and your children try to have a nice weekend. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.<BR>PJ<P><p>[This message has been edited by PlainJane (edited December 30, 2000).]

<small>[ February 08, 2005, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

You have gotten some great advice from the people here. Rick is the King of Plan A, listen to him.<P>Remember your kids are on the infidelity roll coaster too, & it isn't their choice or anything that they have done. Love them, in 10 yr. they will never be at home.<P> I have a teenager I am all for installing satellite tracking systems on them, with maybe when they go somewhere they shouldn't they get an automatic stun in the bun or something.

Hey wld,<P>Oh man, you're really up against it. My only advice is treasure those prescious little girls...and I know you do. They will NEVER forget, as long as they live, how you conduct yourself NOW. They also will never forget what your W is doing to thier world right now. I'm not going to say I know how you feel....but my W is about to give birth to OM's child. So, I guess we're brothers in the deep poop......hang in there, buddy.<P>Lou

Thank you all for your support and ideas. I used them. I spent Saturday with the girls at a lake/park. They had a blast, then we went out for dinner. Sunday, we used the crafts kits they got for Christmas to make a "Welcome Home" sign for my W. She's getting back late tonight (we'll all be asleep). I'm going to hang it in our living room with flashing Christmas lights all around it. Monday we went hiking at a mountain near our house (yes we're in Phoenix and we can do outdoor stuff this time of year, not to rub it in) . <P>The weekend was tough, to say the least. I talked to her every day on the phone. Sometimes she seem kind, and returned "I love you's" and even sounded as if she missed us. Other times she was cold and hurtful. It seems like I'm right at an emotional threshold where the slightest positive brings me way up, but the least little negative sends me to anger and sadness.<P>Anyway, my girls and I had a pretty good weekend, thanks to all of the loving words and thoughts that all of you have posted. Thank you again for that and for sharing your stories. It helps me to know that I'm not alone.<P>I'm scared about what's coming next. I believe there's a good chance she'll come home and say she wants a divorce, but I'm trying not to focus on that, or on her mood swings.<P>Thanks again,<P>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."