(Just read Lora's post and I think we're both looking for the same advice)<P>Is there any benefit to telling the OW's H that she's having an affair and in love with someone else?<P>There are a few trists to her story. She's been married 17 years. He's an alcoholic and verbally abusive to her. In July, (at this time, she & my H were having an affair for one month) she filed for divorce, but they continue to live in the same house. Her H would like to stay married until the children are of age, but she's had enough of him and fell in love with my H. She wants out of her marriage so she and my H can be together. Her mother knows of the affair, condones it and supports the OW by watching the children when OW & my H get together.<P>My H is leaving me-moving out within the next couple of weeks (by 1/15). He has no desire to reconcile with me because he's fallen out of love with me and the OW fills all his emotional needs. Our marriage has been deteriorating for the past few years, but I was surprised(!) that he would chuck our 25 years together without a fight to save it. He doesn't want to waste his time on something he has no interest in preserving. He wants out and the quicker the better! I feel I can only let him go and work on myself. After being rejected, I have some tough work ahead of me restoring my self esteem and confidence. What he chooses for himself is his business. (I write this with the "logical" side of my brain; I'm trying to get the "emotional" side to accept it).<P>Anyway, to my question. Even though the OW and her H are divorcing, should the playing field be level? Would it make a difference if he knew? I keep wondering if the shoe were on the other foot, would I want to know? And I'm quite sure I would. In fact, I wish I had been more observant to the subtle clues my H was giving me that he was falling out of love with me. I would have re-evaluated our marriage then rather than scraping up non-existant peices of the marriage now. <P>I'm having difficulty deciding if there is any benefit to the OW's H knowing of the affair. Both marriages may be beyond saving and I absolutely wouldn't tell him just to be spiteful. But I wonder if he should have the opportunity to know what he's up against-what he's dealing with. This has been a nagging thought the past couple of weeks and I've been unable to reason it out.<P>Please.....anyone with ANY thoughts on this............please post. Thanks.

OOPS!!!!<P>There are not a few "trists" to her story (well, ok, there are - more than a few!!!) I meant to say "twists"<P>wow! what a slip of the fingers!!!

Hi stonehouse,<P>Loved your friedian slip. <P>I know, we betrayed, always say we would want to know about the affair. I know how crazy I made myself by trying to figure out... is it or isn't it an affair. Yet it always seems to be a hard choice to tell the other spouse. I guess we don't know for sure if they want to know, or we want to protect ourselves or our spouses or something. Yuck,thats a hard thought, do you think I want to protect my H? I guess I feel I want to tell because I feel like they are still living in fantasyland, and if it is all out in the open they would have to deal with reality. But I dont want to hurt myself either. I dont know. Sometimes I get tired of the high road. I want to be bad! Commit lovebusters all over the place, stop being the patient and loving and understanding one and get mad.<P>Why do you want to tell?<BR>Lora<BR>

Lora-email me - obblegobble@hotmail.com if you want to discuss this more. ok?

I did contact the OW's H. From reading e-mail I knew at one point he was fighting her about custody of their child, she had been lying to him about going out of town on business, when she had been places with my H. Her family was/is supporting her in this behavior. I punched in whatever the code is so your number doesn't show on caller id, called his house, got the answering machine, left a message that if his divorce was not final, that his stbx was involed with someone from work & that she had been lying about where she was. This was 2 months after the e-mails I read were written, I don't know what the effect was, I never heard anything about it from my H nor from the OW's H. I do know from what little my H's says about her custody agrement the OW's H tied her up pretty good, not much child support, & she had to stay in a certain area, not just county but basically a certain neighborhood, which was about an hr away from us in noraml traffic. I know I did it to hurt her, & maybe my H. I hated the thought that they were hurting all these people & getting a way with it. <P>