I am new to this posting site. Briefly my story. I have been reading off and on since I found this site and hope you can help me to cope when I feel I have leaned on my friends too much. Today has been particularly rough.<P>I learned of my H's affair 3 mos ago. It was a highly emotional affair that started last Jan as a place for each of them to talk about their marital problems. I know her. I tried to embrace her as my H's friend. H and I have been through many tough years together (married 10, 2 kids, met young). The last few years have been particularly tough for us due to a number of personal issues and get right down to it, neither of us has been a good partner to the other. We have been lacking in compassion, trust, and simple respect and friendship. It all came to a head when my father was going in and out of major alcohol rehab and I could not have alcohol in the house without freaking out. My H took this as an effort to control him and the final straw in a long list of issues we'd had together. He mentally checked out of the marriage and never communicated it to me. This is what led to the emotional attachment to the OW above.<P>After about 3 months of this emotional thing, the sex followed and continued off and on while the two of them struggled with what it is they were doing. They tried to break it off several times unsuccessfully because they were addicted to each other. She made my H feel so good and he fell totally in love with her.<P>Down to the gist of the matter. He has not been physical with her since July/August and has ceased communications since about 7 or 8 weeks ago. He is suffering miserably and so am I. I am obviously feeling all the things most of you have felt, but can't quite place his state of mind. He is unable to commit to either working things out or leaving. This ambivilance is killing me. I have been in counseling for a year for my own personal growth in dealing with my alcoholic upbringing and re-learning how to live life. I have so many new priciples I want to try to live by and to teach him. I want my loving husband back because I love him so much. (I am still unsure if I can forgive him, but am willing to try and explore)<P>What is his problem. He is so in love with this OW that he can't give me anything positive. No hugs, no signs of remorse (he has apologized and said he is sorry for the pain he has caused me, her, the kids, himself) but says he doesn't have the patience to put up with what it would take to rebuild...to prove that he is trustworthy, to deal with my questions, my pain, my anger. I have encouraged him to follow his heart because I reason that he will never know if she is his soul mate if he doesn't ask her to be with him and if she agrees, try it out, in an effort to get him to make some sort of decision. All he can say is that he will not leave me for her, if he leaves me it will be because of us. <P>Any advise out there? How long does this withdrawal take? Am I wasting my time hoping that he will "see the light" that I am a decent human and that all relationships take work? Why does it feel that I am having to make so many sacrifices to save my marriage when he is the one who screwed it up so badly?<P>Thank you all in advance.<p>[This message has been edited by LearningLife (edited December 31, 2000).]

LL,<BR>Sorry you're having to go through this. I can't say how long "withdrawal" will last. My W was not in love with the OM and dropped everything as soon as she was caught. I do know "no contact" is important. I asked for her to change her work number, and to be accountable for everything. She willingly did all I asked. I know from reading this site that in cases like yours, renewed contact is very common, and can be a real killer of any progress you have made. Do all you can to put in place a system of communication with your H that does not allow contact of any kind with the OW. I'd be firm if I were you. H knows he has children, feels guilty, and does not really know what he wants. He is in the home, and has given up the OW, for now. I'd bet he'd give you a little more if you ask.<P>I share your frustration at the fact that our spouses create this horrible mess, yet we seem to have to do 99% of the work getting out of it. It's just one of those things that is just unfair. As I said, my W gave up her EMRs, told me she loved me, and left me feeling almost suicidal, and with the feeling that I have to rebuild this marriage now, or it's somehow my fault the kids have a broken home.<P>In time (4 months), I've come to understand that I can't do all the work rebuilding. I was attempting to drag my W back, and to get her to say something to help me understand something for which there is no real explanation. I mean how can "I'm sorry" ever come close to touching the pain we feel. My W will grow and accept herself, or she will not. I can't make her, no matter how many self-help books I buy, or counselling sessions we attend. <P>So LL, I'd say if I were you, I'd push him a bit on his lack of "patience". I may break with the MBs principles a bit, but I think you've got to set some limits as to what you'll accept. If he wants to stay married then rebuilding trust is imperative. By saying he lacks the "patience" to rebuild, he disrespects you all over again. I would strongly recommend you read "Love Must be Tough", by Dobson. Too often, I've read on this board of WSs saying the sort of things your H is saying, and the BS finding out later that contact has resumed. This is like an addiction! You cannot allow a relapse in the interest of harmony, or meeting ENs. <P>I strongly suspect, if given a few months of no contact, will come out of the fog, and begin to see the things in his life that really have value. He's there with you and the children. Be firm on honesty, and accountability, but give him time. You need time too. I don't think real rebuilding can begin till we get through the early stages of shock, anger,and depression. My W and I have gone through some terrible times in the past 4 months, but we're starting to come around. Good luck LL. I like your name BTW, it's really a key to recovery don't you think?<BR>Dave <p>[This message has been edited by Davidb (edited January 02, 2001).]

Just wanted you to know that you were being thought about. <P>If your H is not in contact with OW, you have a great chance to work things out. Sounds as if he is in withdrawal, hang in there, be there for him (know that is hard when he isn't there for you, but it is part of Plan A), I think you will know when he is ready to work on your marriage. <P>Good luck, prayers for you.

It is so disturbing to me when I hear my story on someone's else's post! We have been married 16 years and have 2 kids. We also were young at marrying. He 23, I 20. <P>Dday for me was Aug 6th. My H is still in my house, and yet the long distance A is still very much there. he has slept with her on one business trip(4 day), and when i found out about his lie, I almost killed him. He has not lied to me since, I don't think. I set a boundry then, though. If he had to have her physically, then he had to move out. he could not live in our home as my H and sleep with another. We have not had sex since he started the A(May 1999) except for the morning before I got it out of him, and this past week on vacation(an experiment.)<P>When we got home from the vacation I picked a fight(unfortunate) and blasted him. He reiterated that he had no excuses, he loved her and that was it. <P>But he can not make up his mind. There are no sparks between us, he cannot really look at me, he tries to not see anything of the woman I am inside, he talks only to her. He is completely cut off from me. He is not mean about it, he is just vacant. It is the indifference I cannot live with. As a matter of fact before I knew, I had a complete mental breakdown and went on meds, he barely noticed and went on another trip(to see her actually.) He had made up so many bogus trips to sleep with her once a month. Last Dec, he spent a week with her in NY(where she lives.) Since I found out, only once, and only two bus. trips. She was at the second too, but she flew in and flew out by his choice. No sex, so he says. I have to believe him.<P>He has an alcohol problem. It is exascerbated with his feelings at present. But finally he has started meds, but still drinks more than is rocommended with the med. So it is not working enough. he is deeply depressed and withdrawn, but tries to be present. He still has not decided. <P>I wonder what keeps her to him? It isn't the sex.

Hi Learning, Your situation is a bit similar to mine. My H is a major fence sitter. He's got a cushy life with me & the kids, but he's so in love with the OW he's barely able to be human at home. Recently I wrote him a very loving letter and invited him to leave to sorts out what he wanted. (I should mention, since d-day he's had very limited contact with the OW-that was at my request). He is miserable being here, says he's fallen out of love with me, but is torn between what he "wants" and what he thinks he "should" do. Well, I came to realize that I don't want him here if he doesn't want to be here. He'll be leaving in mid-January if all goes as planned. I'm willing to work to rebuild our marriage and realize it takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to tank a marriage. I suggested we go to counselling and he rejected that idea because he feels it would be a waste of time - he'd only be going thru the motions. All I can do is let him go to the OW and let him figure it out for himself. In the meantime, I will work on myself - rebuilding my self esteem and discovering ways to make myself a better person. If, at some future time, he decides he'd like to work on our marriage, he's got to realize I may have moved on. Good luck to you.

So, am I hearing from you all that time is only what will tell? Is this attitude of "I miss my lover and I've never loved my wife the way I loved the OW, so I'd rather be alone and give up my marriage and kids" a common theme when they are in withdrawal? Will he ever be able to stop loving her or will I always have to compete with her "perfection"? That perfection is what I think I'm trying to destroy by telling him he should go be with her. That way, I believe, inevitably the real life would set in. See right now, there is no real life. Do I have a chance? Thanks!

Hi Learning,<P>I wish I had some good news for you, but I don't. I'm in your shoes too, but I've been dealing with the nightmare for 18 months now. I cringe at the thought, & cannot believe I've put up with it this long.<P>A year ago, my H decided to move out and leased an apartment 200 miles away from me but 5 minutes from OW. I tried to cut contact with him, but he wouldn't leave me alone. After 6 months, he lead me to believe it was over with OW, he was having some medical problems and wanted to come home. I let him.<P>Almost immediately, I found signs that the affair was still on. I have asked him to move out on several occasions, but he won't. He was taking anti-depressants, plus a few other psychiatric drugs, but has stopped them.<P>Again, tonight I came home to a note from him telling me he would be gone the next 24 hours. He said he "was sorry to disappoint me and cause me distress".<P>I have done everything I know to do. As you pointed out, it takes two to reconstruct a marriage. For the last six months (and even before that), I have been the giver and he the taker.<P>I don't want to have to move out of my home, but I have to put my welfare and emotional wellbeing first. He is not there for me. He has hurt me so many times that I really don't know anymore what I feel for him. Most of the time, I think I am numb as a means of self-defense.<P>Please, please, take care of yourself. Start thinking about what is best for you. This was the hardest part for me because I always put my H first, including above my own needs. In thinking back, I should have made my H earn his way back into my heart. Now, he is trampling all over me again.

I'll tell you the few things I have been able to wrang out of my H.<P>The Ow is not perfection. She is "Nothing special." She does "not have a perfect figure." It is "not the sex." <P>It IS: "She makes me feel good!"[about myself.] "She worships me." "She doesn't feel good about what she is doing."[but doing it never the less with her eyes wide open.] "I think I loved her the first day I met her." <P>The reality here is He can talk to her, he can't say 5 words to me. I start a conversation and in five minutes me is glarin into space---I converse, he doesn't; thus it is perceived as a lecture. Schmuck! He is in midlife crisis at 39, and is sinking fast. But my H is <B>NOT</B> in withdrawl, except seeing her physically(she lives in NY.) He has put off her pleas for a reunion during the holidays. Now he is stumbling. He has no more excuses for her but the truth, and that is not easy to say. But she is still very much in the picture. And we are getting nowhere FAST.