Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
After 8 months of trying desperately to hold on to what was left of my marriage, I believe that it is over. <P>I have been trying to Plan A as best as I could, and have been far, far from perfect. I've tried so hard to put up with the waffling back and forth, cell phone calls, IMing, and put my best foot forward to show that our marriage can work. I am exhausted---emotionally, mentally, and physically. I think the time has come to let go and pray that God hold what's left together.<P>The holidays have been miserable. Friday night, H IM'ed with OW for 4 hours. I wasn't feeling well and was laying on the sofa while he was finishing up some work before the weekend. I woke up at 11:00 to an all too familiar site of the IM screens popping up. I simply said, you're chatting with her, aren't you. He flew off the handle, started calling me a bit**, telling me to shut the fu** up, etc. Said he was just going to be a few more minutes and we could go to bed. I waited until 12:20 (and no,couldn't keep my mouth shut the entire time) and went to bed. At 2:30, I heard him come to bed.<P>Yesterday it was as if nothing was wrong. In fact, in his rage the night before had said that there was no way he was going to dinner New Year's Eve like we'd planned. When the babysitter called to know what time, etc., I told her that we didn't need her. He called later while he was out doing errands and said that he wanted to go out, so we did. Everything was fine during dinner and after until 11:30. I said, when is this (the A) going to be over? Flew off the handle again and said, you can't quit bit***** for one night, and you pushed me over the edge. I can't deal with it anymore, and I'm leaving. (for 2 weeks he's been saying he was going to break it off, but hasn't had the time). Of course, I couldn't let it go and the arguing started. I've been up all night crying and just don't know what to do any more.<P>He hasn't been willing to work on our marriage. He says he has, but won't break off the A. I don't know what else to do---if he won't break it off, is anything that I am doing to try to meet his needs even being noticed? <P>I desperately don't want him to leave, but really don't know which direction to head. In "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson, it says to let them go, to free the caged bird. I think that is what I need to do. I know I'll be OK, but am just so sad that the last 10 years meant so little to him that he's not willing to really try to make it work.<P>I guess it's true what they say---actions speak louder than words. He's been saying all the right things, but still keeping her in the wings. I wanted to believe what he was saying---that he wanted to stay and work on our marriage, but deep down knew that she was always still #1 in his heart. I guess it's true that he was just looking for justification to finally leave, and it looks like he's found that now.<P>I hope that the fog eventually lifts, but at this point, am not holding on to much hope that he'll be back, if he does really leave. I think that may be my birthday present (1-14)----single parenthood. At 28 (as of the 14th), with 3 kids ranging in age from 9 to 8 months), not exactly the life I had expected for myself.......

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,900
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,900
I am so sorry for you. I think I would to tell you to hang in there but you need to do what is best for you & your children at this point. Maybe going into a Plan B will wake your H up, will he miss his kids? I think if I was your age it would be easier for me to walk away, but almost half of my life has been with my H, I have only worked a yr full time in the last 20 & it is scary starting over at any age, <P>Whatever you do know that their are people who care about you, & remembering you in their prayers & thoughts. Come here & vent all you need. Prayers going your way.

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,749
I was in this same place as you. A year of him living here and continuing his affair. It was killing me and him both. He could not see me do anything good. I tried to plan A He avoided me and only went through the motions of living here. Finally I asked him to leave 4 months ago. No contact till Xmas day. yesterday he told me he wants to ask me out to dinner and talk. He thanked me.. something he hasn't done for 2 years. He showed ome concern about me... told me to put the chains in my car. I think he is coming out of the fog just a little.<P>I do think sometimes they need to leave. I know on here they tend to say keep them in the house if you can, and I often felt I had made a mistake. But I was not able to work on me while he was living here and flaunting his affair. I was not able to take it any more. Maybe you are at that point too. I told myself I was giving it 6 months of just waiting and then I was moving on, although I have been working on moving on without him now.<P>I just know the torture of having the affair go on. I am not sure it is that good to continue to allow it in your home. There are some that stop the affair when they are discovered and some that do not.<P>Take care,<BR>Lora

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 54
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 54
I't's only two weeks since I found out about my W's A. It is still going on, W says she can't choose between us, loves us both.<P>Hang on as long as you're nerves can - llok at my thread - there's a couple of excellent replies which will help you i think.<P>I've got no advice to give at the moment really, as I don't know how my Plan A will work as yet.<P>I feel for you - it's like having your heart ripped out over & over when you know they are talking to the OP. My W IM'd while i was watching TV a couple of days ago, then lay in bed beside me later reading messages he was sending her on her mobile.<P>i don't think this is really her - it's not like her at all.<P>Be strong, be true to yourself.<P>Good luck

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 16
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 16
I have just re-read "Love Must Be Tough" for the third time yesterday and believe you are perpetuating the problem you are trying to solve.<P>Your quote:<BR>"I desperately don't want him to leave, but really don't know which direction to head. <BR>In "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson, it says to let them go, to free the caged bird. I think that is what I need to do. I know I'll be OK, but am just so sad that the last 10 years meant so little to him that he's not willing to really try to make it work."<P>I believe it is time to recognize that he has nothing to lose as long as you keep accomodating his affair. You have provided him no consequences, so he continues.<P>To quote Michele Weiner-Davis "If something isn't working, why would you think that doing more of it would produce a different result. <P>Instead of just reading "Love Must be Tough" it is obvious that now is the time to act. Your H will not respect you if you continue to grovel, beg and plead. These actions are only driving him further away. You need to regain your self-respect by forcing the issue and quit rewarding his destructive behaviors. Your desperation is not going to attract him back to you.<P>I realize that this sounds harsh, but let me ask you, has your approach been working? If not why not do a 180 and surprise him and yourself by refusing to be a doormat and make him face the consequences of his actions. Why not make a New Year's Resolution and let him know you've stopped being desperate, and your setting him free? Make him chose where he will live and stand firm.<P>Charles Stanley recently gave a great talk on this subject as it related to the prodigal son. The father in the parable did not beg and plead for his son to stay. He let him go to face the consequences of his decisions. He allowed God to work in the son's life in the "away" time. The father did not try to get inbetween the son and God and impose his agenda. This is what it means to "let go and let God." Our desperation is really a lack of faith that God is in control of the situation, and a belief that if somehow we did everything right, that things would turn out right. <P>Make a New Year's resolution to let God take over the fixing of your husband, and release him into God's hands.<P><BR>

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 10
[I've been a lurker for some time, but am a new poster, and just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the pain your going through. But I think it's true, sometimes you have to let go. I had to let go to my husband (WS)...not just for him but for me. It was hard because of my kids (7yrs & 1yr). But we made it. He was gone for 2 1/2 months...and then came back...we still went thru bad withdrawl...but now 7months later things are much much better. He is the one that is stronger now in keeping us together. So please be strong for you and your kids things will get better.....thoughts & prayers to you.

Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,225
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 1,225
Dear Hurting:<P>YOU did not fail. Your H is failing you...miserably.<P>Do not allow him to BLAME you for his shortcomings. What you are needing from him--to grow up and act like a decent human being, like A HUSBAND and a FATHER to your children--is not asking too much.<P>YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, LOVING, HUMAN BEING. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU ARE WORTHY OF KINDNESS AND LOVE. <P>Sending you loving arms to hold you, gentle words to encourage you, and a soft hand to brush away your tears. Peace, ~Marie <P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 379
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 379
Hallo,<BR>I think the others are right let him leave but be prepared of every possible end of the story. Unfortunately me and my H have been separated compltely fo 6 month and the only thing what happened was that he moved the OW into our house to live with him and OD-18(in the meantime he bought an apartment for me and YD-11). I am not more sure he will ever come out of the fog but I am still hoping because i desperately love him and want to restore the family. You are realy young and maybe it's even harder for you to accept what happened, but believe me it's not easier when exact half of your life was spent with him and it was now my first birthday (Dec20th), Christmas, New Year I spent alone-it was horrible. only my birthday brought a little sunshine but the holidays......But I still have a little hope, at least till he fills for divorce (A lasts 15months) the, I realy don't know what would I do -kill myself or make a celebration.<BR>I wish you courage and sense to decide properly. Hang on.

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
Dear {{{{{{{{hurtinginil}}}}}}}<P>I think you have recieved wonderful advice already. I haven't been around of late as the computer is acting crazy and I have not been able to send and read replies. I hope you can receive this.<P>I am afraid that your H is in a fog but believes that your love for him will be able to help both of you weather this storm. Unfortunately, you need help to cope with this very tormenting situation. You are exhausted from trying to cope and Plan A doesn't mean you have to go on forever in this mode. <P>I am not sure who has done Plan A successfully while the WS is still deciding. I would have been unable to even live in the same house if my WS is still in limbo. I believe that in order for the marriage to rebuild, the WS has to be filled with godly sorrow and remorse and repent fully and bear fruits of repentance.<P>I do think that you will have issues with very low self esteem and rejection if you continue in this mode. Whether he will stay and work out the marriage with you when he is home is a matter only your H knows. So it really isn't your fault what he chooses and it isn't within your control whether he is living with you or not. He really needs a wakeup call. To abuse you verbally when you need his assurance that he loves only you is not going to do your marriage or you any good.<P>Please seek advice from professionals to deal with the situation. I have started seriously counselling with a professional as we only had counselling from pastors before. During those times, my WS was not very cooperative and he has been stopping me from going to counselling - so now I use my own savings to seek help. I have been recommended to go on a separation so that I can find myself and not live in bondage to my WS. The plan for separation will be worked out by the counsellor although WS doesn't know it yet.<P>hurtinginil, living with a spouse that had destroyed your trust and not been able to confront the real issues will cripple you as a person. Although my WS has repented but the A has totally devastated the marriage and my esteem, etc., that I will not be able to find myself again without a cooling off period. I know my WS will be against this but this is something I wanted since D-day. In order to face the next few decades of your life as a whole person, you will need to know that you can live this life alone with God - the author and finisher of your life. To be in bondage to your WS will not help you be the best to your H and your children.<P>Please keep us updated. <P>God bless you<BR>Take care<BR>from weep

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 551
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 551
Hey hurtinginil - I saw a documentary on The Discovery Channel about Inner-City Prostitutes while I was in SC. They followed one in Chicago who had long, dark hair and blue nail polish. Hmmm...made me think of your H's twit! Anyway...<P>Okay, now I am as big a Plan A fan as anybody, but I think that he needs to go. I'm not necessarily saying a "Plan B" yet, but he needs to get out of the house. If you and he are unable to control your fighting, your children do NOT need to be subjected to that. And hon, it might be easier for you to control your LBing and Plan A him from a distance (a la Lostva). But your emotional health is suffering too badly to continue this waiting game - a year is enough!<P>Now, after 10 years together, I'm sure that you both know how to push each other's buttons - STOP IT!!! Be nice, sweet, don't nag him, and don't try to bust him. He's going to have to figure the OW out on his own. Read the Private Lies post on this board - that sums up his chances with her. But you need to make yourself a stronger person in the meantime. And be there for those babies as best you can!<P>I'll be home tonight, but I'm jet-lagged beyond belief, so e-mail me, okay? I'll talk to you later!

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
Thanks so much for all of the replies. Sorry for the late response, but I've been off the board for a few days with the holidays, sick kids, etc.....<P>Basically, nothing's changed other than continue to deteriorate. Things have been civil, but there is obviously a lot of stress between us. Weird thing is, he still talks about the future, a lot. I asked him why, he said it was just habit.....<P><BR>Sing---yes, he would miss the kids tremendously. However, he says that it's better for them to see us apart than not have a good marriage. It's very scary starting over at 28, when you've been with the same person since age 18. But, yes, I can understand how it would be a little easier now than 20 years down the line.<P>Lora---I do think that it's time for him to leave. I am starting to LB, and am losing what's left of any love that I had for him. It will be very hard to see him leave, but easier in a sense that I won't have to deal with the day to day difficulty of having him in the house. Maybe the fog would start to lift a little??<P>McBroon---unbelievable that they can sit and IM, text msg, all that right in front of you, isn't it? It just rips my heart out every time. Hang in there, and thanks for the well wishes. <P>True North---thanks for the wakeup call! I really needed that. I realize that I am enabling him to continue what he's doing, but am finding it so very difficult to finally let go. I know that it's time to do that, but am just finding it very hard. We need to be set straight once in awhile---thanks for doing that for me!!<P>Shadow--thanks for the encouragement. It is good to hear that things can indeed turnaround even after they leave. Best of luck to you!<P>Marie--thanks from the bottom of my heart. I need to hear those words, because when H tells me the opposite all of the time, I start to believe him. I'll work hard at remembering your words to help me through the days.....<P><BR>Betrayed and Desperate---I feel the pain in your posts, and am so sorry. Thank you for the words of encouragement through your own pain. I am praying that everything works out for you. We'll be OK, somehow, we will!<P>weep---your words speak deeply to me. Thank you very much. I am going to search for a new counselor today, for myself. I had stopped going in August, when things were going well. It's high time to get back in there.....<P>CB---I got your email, hon, and will be replying later today. Your wisdom always helps tremendously!!!!<P>

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
I've been away the last few days.<P>oh, I wish I could give you a hug...<P>We talk so much about *love*, but the biggest loss in my marriage was respect. At some point he stopped respecting me and I allowed it. I winced when you described how he is treating you. Calling you names is abusive!<P>The first step is to let go. Whether it's a plan A from afar or a plan B, there comes a time when he must end the A and work on the marriage or move out.<P>How do you think you come accross when you ask him about ending the A? Like you are pleading??<P>I think you need to be aware of how much HE stands to lose. A wonderful wife and his kids. It is only by your grace that he has been there all this time. The grace period is over and maybe you should ask him to leave rather than hoping he won't...or since he already brought it up, tell him you think he should if he thinks it will make him happy.<P>My h said at the time if he left, he would not come back. I know he meant it and fully believed him. But now, a year away from the mess, I don't think he really COULD have stayed away.<P>You don't have to give up on the marriage, but don't sell yourself out in the process. I think Dobson is right. Of course you are sad, and though you face single motherhood, 28 is a hell of a lot better than 39 going on 40 with small kids (me). IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!<P>I never had to ask him to leave. He knew inside himself he must leave or end the A. Thank God! But when I faced his desire to leave, I let go. I knew somehow I would be alright. I told him he should leave if that is what he thought would make him happy. He told me later, he didn't know what to do with that, never expected it.<P>I know you've read all this in prior threads. I think you are stronger than you may be feeling right now.

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
Hi Schizzo! I was hoping you'd be around....<P>I am feeling much stronger today. I have been talking to a good friend and she has given some extremely valuable advice to me. I know that it is time to let go, and feel that today, I have done that. <P>H and I have been trading emails today and he commented on my attitude. I said that it wasn't attitude, but rather confidence that I will not be walked all over any more. He replied that if that is how I felt, then I needed to life my life in a way that suited me. Don't know what that means.....<P>The last few days have been heart wrenching and there have been lots of tears. Today, though, I feel different. No tears, no sad thoughts, but rather a sense of indifference. If he leaves, it's his loss, and if and when he decides to come back, it may be too late. I have a long life ahead of me, and I intend to live it to the fullest, with or without him. So what if I have to sell our 3500 sf home? It's a mere possession, and frankly, doesn't mean much any more. If I have a roof over my head, food on the table for my children, and the support of friends and family, then I will be OK with the help of God.<P>Take Care!

Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 16
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 16
Hurtinginil,<P>YOU GO GIRL!<P>You sound much stronger today, and from what you say even your husband has noticed a difference. Keep it up!

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
hurtinginil,<P>You sound so much better! I hope you are still feeling this way!<P>Sounds like you feel more ready to face life with or without him. That is good, to reach in and find your strength.<P>If it is meant to be, he'll come back and he will have to grow also and you'll end up with a much better marriage as I have.<P>You do have to live your life. I used to try to live ONLY for my h and kids. It can't be done. I like the new me much better, and so does he.

Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 580
Thanks for checking in Schizzo! I am still feeling good, but today have been having waves of fear and sadness. Fear of the unknown, fear that he indeed may leave, fear of being alone, fear of raising three little kids without their father. Sadness for the 10 years that he can so easily discard, sadness that I am nothing more than an appendage to him that is unncessary for life, sadness that he feels that he can only be happy apart from me.<P>I really think things will come to a head this weekend, one way or the other. OW has given him the ultimatum that he be out of the house by the 14th, or she walks away. He's in Florida on business from next Tuesday through Sat morning. To me, that would mean if he leaves, it could be this weekend that those plans are made.<P>I know that life will be OK without him, but reality is hitting me hard today that it is very possibly going to be how it is for me---being single at 28 with 3 little ones. Not something too many men close to my age are looking for in a mate, I wouldn't think.....

Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 1,579
I too felt all those things, it's a hard thing to deal with. For us, it will be 10 yrs next month.<P>If he moves out, it's not the end. I think it would be much easier to plan A from afar.<P>And remember letting go does not mean you give up. You are setting him and yourself free to hopefully come together because it is what you both want.<P>My h also felt that way about me and today he is a different man. I hope and pray your h will also see that it is in the family that true happiness lies.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,900
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,900
Hang in there. At least you will know maybe this weekend, & you would not be in Limboland any more. You are the strong one, your WS will be the loser if he walks away.<BR>Prayers being sent your way.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 27 guests, and 40 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5