I wasn't worrying for nothing - my H came home and told me it's over, he's already contacted his attorney.<P>He won't look at this site and he won't go to counseling. He said it's over and that's that.<P>He said there's no going back.<BR>

I am so sorry for you. No matter what happens<BR>you will survive. Nobody knows what the future may bring. Hang in there!

Susie,<P>I'm sorry to hear this news. However, this isn't real surprising. Nor does it mean it is over. Don't forget everything we've been telling you. There are plenty of BS and WS on here that either filed or had their spouse file, only to eventually reconcile. What happens now depends on what you do to try and show your husband that you love him and want to do anything to save your marriage.<P>You know about Plan A, EN, LB, etc. You need to take a deep breath and start to work on Plan A, knowing full well that your husband currently plans on leaving you.<P>Maybe it is time for the letter, where you can get your thoughts down carefully. Even post it here if you have to, and you'll get lots of comments on the content. Many do that.<P>Many of us were told "it is over, it is too late". Those things can change. Is he going to be staying with you? Will he talk at all?<P>You need to know that all you can really do now is Plan A as best you can. Your circumstances are different than anyone else's, but so are anyones. We all have unique situations, but the concepts are the same regardless of what kind of scenario you are in. At this phase, if you don't want a divorce, then Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. That is all you can do.<P>Vent away to us as often as you need, because you are not alone. In time, regardless of what is happening, you will feel better about yourself through Plan A, and will be prepared for whatever happens.<P>Hang in there. We're with you all the way.

Susie,<P>Just want to let you know that my thoughts are with you.<P>PJ

Susie, As said before this does'nt mean it's over. He may not know where to go from where he was. He's in the fog. He probably thinks he can't go back so has to go forward. If you do the plan A he may see he can come back and if nothing else you know you did all you could. You don't want to push him away. It does test your love for another person. You will know after time if you really love him. Treat yourself right, rest, good food, fun. don't beat up on yourself, or HIM. Don't put him down to others, your negative attitude when talking to others is hard to get out of your head when talking with him. If you're not seeing a counselor start ASAP. See a minister/priest if you need to. I found it helpful to confide the whole story with people outside normal day to day friends or family. They can turn against spouse for putting you through this, and want to keep you from getting hurt again. <BR>Take care of you and post here, we are all here for you. Remember God is right beside you, ask for his help.

IT's never over till the fat lady sings - then she could even come back 4 an encore.<P>I'm sorry for you, but at least he's thinking - negatively admittedly, but thinking all the same.<P>I think the letter is a must, focusing on positives 4 him to think about.<P>Be the best you can be, and give him time. Ask to talk & tell him divorce is not what you want, I'm sure you have.<P>Use the site, Plan A to help you through.<P>He's very hurt and emotional, and wants to show that. We blokes find it hard to talk anyway about our feelings, let alone feelings so bad.<P>Good luck, keep your head held high so you can say you did everything you could to get it together.<BR>

I certainly do not want to minimize the big step that your H has taken, but it does not have to mean it is over. Write your letter, then sleep on it and/or post it here to get some perspective before giving it to him. It sounds like your H is trying very hard to regain some control over the situation and to take some steps to salvage his ego and self esteem. Try not to over react. One of you needs to stay calm and for now it is you. I know it is asking a lot, but it may make you feel better to be trying hard at something positive.<P>Others have given you great advice on Plan Aing. That is really your only option now if you want to save your marriage. I would also add that you will need to validate his very hurt feelings time and time again. Also, put on your patience hat and learn to vent here or to friends and family. Any positive steps may be slow in coming, but you have the right attitude if you can weather this initial storm. Hang Tough!

I think writing a letter is also a good idea if he refuses to talk to you. I would like you to think how you will address the following question. Your husband was probably thinking that your affiar went on for 6 months until you were caught. He probably was convinced that you had no intention of ever cutting if off and continuing to lie unless you were caught. I don't know the correct response to this but I think you should think<BR>of some sort of answer. Good Luck

Susie -<P>I don't think that I have posted to you - mainly because I can put myself in your shoes had my H not forgiven me for having an A.<P>When I told my H about the A, I actually did it in a letter. I explained to him what happened - no real specifics, but told him basically everything that had happened (I had an EA that went to a PA - the A lasted about 5-6 months). I also explained to him that I didn't know why it had happened - that I was truly, deeply sorry, and that I would do everything in my power to make it up to him. I told him that I loved him - that I always have and always will - that I made a horrible mistake, and for that, I didn't blame him if he wanted to leave me.<P>I guess I just basically explained to him how sorry I was. After my H read the letter - we burned it together and decided to try and work things out. I really can't remember everything that I told him, but if you write a letter to your H - just let it come from your heart. He may still need some time to get over this, but I think you need to ask for his forgiveness - that's about all that you can do at this point.<P>I know you must be going crazy right now, but you can get through this. Just give it some time, and write down your thoughts. Right now, he may feel like there's no going back, but he could change his mind. While your affair was discovered by your H, I think you need to tell him how you really feel. Don't look to place blame on anyone, but take responsibility for your own actions - that's all that you can do.<P>If I can help you out in anyway, please let me know. But, really, I think your H is just really hurt and it may take some time for him to be able to forgive you. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Susie,<P>Please give us an update and let us know how you are doing, when you get a chance.

Hi Susie:<P>I'm not posting much anymore, but I have been following your story and wanted you to know that there are people who care.<P>A lot of people post here and there is one thing that I have noticed common to all of them...anger...at first. The old "why has this happened to me" and "how could he/she have done this to me". I think these are very common first reactions to D. But after a while, the wounded party comes to terms with his part in what has happened (and there are few of us who have not contributed) and begins to be more amenable to discussions about saving the marriage.<P>I think the letter is a good idea...explain what happened and confess your mistake and your willingness to do whatever it takes to restore your marriage. Your H doesn't realize it now, but he has been given a gift...a chance to begin to reconstruct a new marriage...a lot of us don't get that chance...at first...or even after years of trying. The divorce threat is sometimes just that...a threat to make you hurt as much as he is..a way to hurt you. <P>Continue to acknowledge his hurt and the damage the A has done. Men have more difficulty with their pride in this situation...forgiveness is harder for them.<BR>Give him the time he needs to heal enough to begin to pick up the pieces again.<P>Just remember Love goes a long way and is the great healer in the end. Don't give in.....continue to except his anger without LBing in return. It will be hard but it is the only way for him to move pass this.<P>Our thoughts and prayers will be with you.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye