In reading through the majority of threads, I read numerous replies by the BS stating that they were either the cause of the affair or had a big role in it. I do not understand the philosophy of laying blame on yourself. I can understand that your previous lifestyle may have hurt your loved one, but does that excuse committing the ultimate hurt (an affair). I don't think so.<P>I think we need to quit blaming ourselves. Does anybody have any thoughts on this issue?

jsg:<P>I think it depends on what you call "blame", and what it motivates you to do.<P>For example, there is no doubt that my marital behaviors prior to my wife's affair helped destroy her love for me. I was making withdrawals in her lovebank. And hey---she wasn't exactly the kind of wife that I wanted either. Does that mean that her affair was OK?? No. But on one extreme we have people saying "you having an affair was YOUR decision" and not acknowledging that the "decision" to have an affair wasn't made in a vacuum---it was made by an unhappy person in an unhappy marriage that YOU helped create. (Not every single affair fits this description, but most do...)<P>So, I "blamed" myself for my wife's affair in that I realized my role in the deterioration of our marriage: lovebusters, not meeting needs, not spending time together, and dishonesty. Was I responsible for her actual decision process?? I don't care to debate it. I'd say yes---but a lot of people around here would say "no". If you leave a loaded gun on the table of your home and your child shoots someone---are you responsible??? It's that kind of "fine-line".<P>I think the more important thing to do is to accept responsibility for the condition of the marriage prior to the affair (whether you care to blame yourself, your spouse, or split it 50/50)---and then work on a process to correct the condition of your marriage through improving your own marital skills. That's Plan A.

I can say that everyone I've discussed my travails with has told me it wasn't my fault. I now believe them. I to read the numerous threads you describe and was laying some blame on myself.<P>I'd have to say that if the WS never discussed or revealed they had a problem in the marriage, then the A IS THEIR FAULT!<P>If discussions were initiated by my WS, then I would admit some part in the cause. However, my religious upbringing (RC) v. W's (Congregational, the one's who burned witches in Salem) leads me to believe that my scruples are more rigid than her's. I know I would never commit adultery. Those who do will justify it any way they can in their gnat sized brains.<P>Don't know if this helps, but I can sleep easy knowing my wife was the one with disregard for me, our child, our life, and ultimately one day herself.<P>Jay

To Jay:<P>Amen my brother. I agree with your take on the whole "affair/blame" question. Thanks for the input.<P>To K:<P>Thanks for your point of view. You are correct that everbody's situation is different. I hope that someday your wife can forgive you of your faults within the marriage.

Jay:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I'd have to say that if the WS never discussed or revealed they had a problem in the marriage, then the A IS THEIR FAULT!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The issue is not to get stuck in a "blame game", but rather to have a great marriage. Steve Harley writes "Food for Thought" articles in the MB newsletter, and the situation that you present is one of the subjects of these articles, under <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8503_fft.html" TARGET=_blank>But no one told me!</A>. If you think your marriage is important---it's best be proactive about making sure the conditions for an affair never happen---rather than to blame your spouse for "never telling you".<P>And in most cases, your spouse does tell you how unhappy they are. It's just that they don't do so in a way that you can listen...

laying blame on either side for an affair is a waste of time. Affairs are not about blame they are a sign of an underlying problem(s) in the marriage that existed before the affair. I dont think that people have affairs for the sex, I think it is for other emotional needs such as communication, affection, etc.

I guess there are always exceptions. My STBXW is having a relationship with an old HS flame who is 42 (as is she) and has led the life of a gigolo since HS. It is likely one of "unresolved childhood issues."<P>Either way, it demonstrates a lack of maturity, depth and durability for someone who claimed she'd be "lost without me" for 12 years of married life together.

I do NOT believe that spouses generally tell you if they are unhappy. My H never said a word about being unhappy. When he seemed depressed, and I asked what was wrong, he blamed it on physical symptoms. Many, probably the vast majority in long term marriages, of affairs are related to clinical depression - and there is NOTHING the BS can do to make a depressed person happy. It is completely unreasonable to expect a spouse to not only diagnose clinical depression but also somehow convince the depressed spouse to seek treatment if he/she does not want to.

I've definately balmed myself for my W's afair. Why -<BR>1.I had an affair 4 years ago, and she's never been able to forgive me or forget.<BR>2. I've lovebusted my way through all but the last 18 months, having partly seen the error of my ways.<BR>3. I'm selfish - often put myself first - skiing holiday before family holiday, new car first, work later than planned etc.<P>Should she have had an A? no, but i can't blame just her.<P>This current situation is a result of many issues - most unresolved, but it gives us the chance of taking a look at what we've got & what we want. This site is excellent, the concepts might help me realise what I must be to become her ideal partner - and ditto for her.<P>The question now is do we want to try - she's got the OM chipping away at her feelings.<P>I would love to stop laying blame and take a look at the why's & how's of both her & my A's and also what we are like as people.<P>Some excellent points in the above -<P>Laying blame is a waste of time & effort.<P>In most cases, your spouse does tell you how unhappy they are. It's just that they don't do so in a way that you can listen...<P>If everyone Plan A'd & didn't lovebust from the start, we'd probably not be in this situation -- Oh the benefit of hindsight!!!!!!