The last 2 days have been an emotional rollercoaster for me. H says that he is willing to end A because he feels that OW is pulling away from him, not because he wants to work on marriage. Actually I was OK with that thinking that at least she would be out of the picture. <P>Last night he contacted her to end the A. Telling her that because he loved her he would let her go, but he would only do it if that is what she really wanted. Of course, she said no. So they are making plans to be together in TX.<P>Against everyone's advice I contacted OW after they came to this decision.I asked her advice on how I was to get through this. OW's X woke up one morning and told her that he didn't love her and wanted a D. She saw evidence of A but he denied it. After the D the truth came out. So she does know the pain I'm feeling. At one time she was the BS. OW told me that she did try to end the EA before it became a PA because as an adult she knew what she was doing. H though refused to let her go. Not once but twice. Now she has told me that for me she is willing to let him go. Yes she loves him but she hates to be the one causing so much pain. And she never wanted to be that kind of person. And I truely believe that she will tell him to let her go. Though in her heart she really wants to be with him. <P>But I know my H well enough to say that he will hear it in her voice that she still loves him and will get her to change her mind. He's done it twice before (he has such a way with words. He can sometimes make me believe that this D will be the best thing for ME!)<P>I've sacrificed my feeling and needs for so long for him that I actually feel guilty asking her to give him up to give our marriage a chance. God, I don't know what to do. Last night was the most tender night because he was happy that he was going to have a live with her. (Funny how OW asked him if we were having sex and he lied and said no.)

Wow - you must be well confused!!!<P>I'm still in my plan a with my W - the A is still ongoing, but it's showing improvements.<P>I would suggest for now just PLAN A'ing all you can - this will be your best chance of getting the OW out of the picture, so the site seems to suggest.<P>Once this is done, and it may take a fair while by some of the threads in here, you can take a look at what you have together & make decisions on what to do.<P>I'm sad that your OW has been a BS herself - how cruel must she be - to have suffered the same pain as you, yet want to inflict it on another. Good Grief. She can't know, that's all I can think. I couldn't do to another person & their family, what I've had done to me & look myself in the eyes again, no matter who I'd met.<P>If you can remember a time when you were both happy, when you both felt right together, then that time may come again, with the right focus, commitment and effort. Read through this site, it's helped me, and try to be the best person you can be - he'll see what he is leaving & start to want to talk about it.<P>Good luck.

Dear 2wv,<P>I can feel your pain and am sorry. I am still pretty new to this site, so I don't know how long you have been aware and dealing with this. I don't have feelings one way or the other about contacting the OW, I too did it in the first place, but because I knew her and felt really betrayed that she knew me, my kids and did it anyway, even in my own house.<P>What I have learned, though, is this:<P>When people are unhappy with themselves or their relationships, they are VERY vulnerable. I am not giving anyone an excuse, it's just that the deeper down this journey I go, the more I see how tormented the WS and other person can be. They cling to whatever makes them feel good because they are not getting what they need from themselves or from their spouses. An affair fixes that problem and by the time it happens, so many GOOD feelings have been exchanged that the people are in love. Maybe your calling this woman will help. Maybe, your call will be the straw that helps her fix herself and see the damage she's helped create. However, it might not. She and your H are 2 peas in a pod and have both lied to you in the past and she may just continue to do so. If that happen's it will be between you and your H. You will have to implement the plan that others have recommended.<P>I wish you well. This whole mess stinks, I know, but I'm having a good day, so hopefully have shared part of it with you.<P>LL<P>PS would it be wrong of me to suggest sending her the link to How Affairs begin and how they should end found on this site? That might help her to stay good on her word if she sees how normal her feelings may be. Maybe even show her the way to this section.

Thank you, McBroon & LearningLife. You have given me words of encouragement.<P>Update...H & OW are having no contact for 2 months. She is the one who is insistant on it. I talked to her today and I actually told her that I didn't want to stand in H's way of happiness so I was stepping aside. But I also told her that although I was going to step aside I can't do it just yet. We have a daughter who has a mental illness and we just found out that she has taken a step backward in her treatment. I know that D can not handle us seperating let alone a D right now. H has finally realized it too.<P>OW stepped aside to allow us to help our D through this difficult time. Enlight of what has transpired today. I feel nothing. I'm not happy that they are going to have no contact...I always thought I would. I can't say that I'm thrilled for another chance with him. All I can think is TG he is facing up to the problems here @ home. <P>I don't know what will happen in the next 2 months. H still wants the divorce. But as we both said tonight the book was closed on our marriage on DDay. From that day forward we started a whole new book. And right now I don't know how that book is going to end.