Talked about how we felt last night & today. W has been asking herself whether she is doing the right thing lately, bcos I've been so nice lately. PLAN A?<P>Also, she has stopped keeping her phone by the bed & reading his text messages when we are going 2 sleep - this has made me feel better - I was churning 4 ages after she was doing it and only slept about 2 hours a night.<P>He has asked her 2 go away with him for 4 days, and she says she doesn't think she wants to go - and asked me what to think. See other post for reply to that one, but it has to be a good thing.<P>Asked her what I could do in the next few days to be a better person 4 her - she said I could be more romantic - I think that could be a major emotional need for her 0 we are to complete the emotional needs questionaiires soon<P>Going to our first couselling session 2gether 2 morrow.<P>Down sides -- <P>Asked myself whether I was sure i wanted her back 2day and couldn't answer. Can I forgive, and will I ever feel secure again. It's worse because I cheated on her 4 years back, and feel like this might happen again to us. What if she falls in love with someone else in the future. She is a beautiful woman, and there will be opportunities for her to do it again - I'm scared I might not have what it takes to keep her.<P>

Hi McBroon,<P>She is really riding that roller coaster isn't she? I have to give you a lot of credit for having the vast amount of courage that you do to look the other way when she is not really trying to hide these things from you. <P>Sometimes I think our male MB'ers are better Plan A'ers than our female MB'ers. Maybe cuz you guys are better at looking at things in a logical way and not quite as emotional as us women.<P>Anyhoo...Just wanted to say that you are doing some powerful stuff here. You obviously love your wife a great deal and are willing to wait this thing out. Good for you!<P>The things you're asking yourself are so normal. We all do. Can you truly forgive...sure if your wife starts doing the work she needs to do, but in reading SAA, the WS usually doesn't get there for a while. I remember one of the Harleys saying that usually when a betrayer comes home they are doing it with resignation. That seems to be the time to really hit them with Plan A. <P>Don't expect too much for a while. I read your other post and have to agree...romance her, let her know how glad you are she made the choice to not go away with him. We women are really not that confusing, we want to be told how great we are, how good we look, how much we are loved. Flowers at work are always great because it's kind of a showy thing to do...look how much he loves me kinda thing.<P>good luck and keep up the great work.<P>allison

100% agreement with, Allison.<P>You sound like you're doing everything right, Mr. M.<P>I wonder if the questions you are asking yourself are the same questions she asked of herself four years ago...just wondering out loud. No insight. <P>I used to ask myself if I wanted my H back. Why did I want him back. I thought I couldn't possibly want him back because I still love him--I couldn't even say the word. Funny, but it's true. I really did love him even tho my hurt wouldn't allow me to feel it. Very protective, our emotional armor. Stop asking yourself these questions that plant seeds of doubt in your recovery. Do the plan. Treat her as if you love her. <P>It's apparent to me that you really do. <P>But YOU can always change your mind a year or two from now. Yes? <P>Dump her now and you'll never know what might have been.

I do read all my posts, I wake up hoping for support, and go to bed needing it.<P>Thanks for re-asserting the need to stay with her, but I'm not bearing up too well. I'm quite a needy person too, and it's painful to see what she's doing to me.<P>Thought I'd cracked it - she rang to tell me she'd be in early as she was tired, then landed at 1.30am this morning.<P>She now says she's torn about wanting to go away with him, and needs to know what i think. Don't know if I can hold back my anger this time. What do I say? Waiting for replies to other post for this.<P>Thanks again for your support, woke up this morning and thought I shold leave - I'll try 4 longer.<p>[This message has been edited by McBroon (edited January 03, 2001).]

McBroon,<P>Consider your wife as totally insane and deal with her from that standpoint. <P>You don't yell at a mentally incompetant person and tell them the're crazy! You treat them with kid gloves. You're practically a therapist at this point. Don't act like an injured husband (what you are)--you will need to don on another persona to deal with her. <P>And if it gets too much--it may be time to plan B.<P>But she's waffling! You're still doing great whatever it is. <P>God Bless!<P>L

Thanks everyone, she's gone away with him for three days this morning, saying it will give her a chance to be on her own (he's got some business to do), and to find out more about him.<P>We went for our first counselling session yeaterday - it was just OK. It's very apparent that alot of this has to do with my actions over the years, and the resentment she feels for it - I don't think thise issues have come anywhere near to being resolved.<P>We've decided to continue with it though.<P>Looks like the other man is starting to bad mouth me a bit, I'm not going to do the same. What's definately clear is that the OM has brought back all of my W's bad feelings towards me, in the disguise of conversation. W admitted that she was almost over eveything till it was all brought out in the open again. Thanks OM.<P>Have sent her off to him, not with my blessing as such, but with my understanding & wishes for her to clear her mind a little. She says she's under no false pretences about her future with him, just that she's not sure whether we have a future together. i feel like we sort of understand each others feeling more & that the continuing of her A is actually a means to an end and not just a way to hurt me - that's progress isn't it?<P>She even gave me a cuddle in bed last night which i really appreciated. <P>She's due back Sat night, I'll keep you (& me) posted.<P>Feeling OK, if a little worn out. I will persevere - I'm confident I'm still here for all the right reasons, and just looking for answers.

Are you prepared on how you will behave if she calls you? Try to be.<P>Mthrhbbrd's advice was right on target. Calmly state your feelings -- it's an art I haven't quite mastered myself but work on daily! Just don't lovebust.<P>I got an email the other day--something like people may talk negatively about you but live your life as if they lied. Something like that, gotta go back and look at it. Sorry.<P>Let OM do all that nasty LB. Our ex-OW nagged my H right out of their relationship. Continue being strong and wonderful.<P>L

Ok, got it: "I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it."<P>Ta Da!<P>Here's another great one: "I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others."