I was reading some other posts about people keeping track of their spouses' internet activity through various "spy" type software. In the past, I was able to check on my husband's behavior on the net, because we used the same computer and I happen to know a bit about computers. We split for a while (this was before we married) due to his activities on the net...ie...sending girls pictures of his penis, etc. But, once I walked out the door he really seemed sorry about it and said it wouldn't happen anymore. So, I decided to try to forgive since I loved him, and now we are back together and married.<P>Problem is, he now has his own laptop. He spends a lot of time on the computer at work and at home. If I walk in on him,he usually shuts down the screen he is on. So, I have these sneaking suspicions and it drives me crazy. But I have no way to check to see if they are true. I know there is software available where I can check what he is doing from my computer over the internet, but this brings up a moral question for me. I would have to be dishonest with him to do this. And I don't want anymore lies between us. But, what do I do with this sneaking suspicion? I feel like it is a wall between us and I don't know how to get rid of it. Thanks for your input.

Sounds like my husband - I didn't know how bad it was until I found out about the affair. <P>I didn't use the snoop software - my husbands computer is a lap top - but I was able to find out who the woman was and alot about her - I did hire a detective. <P>What I learned was actually comical in a way - this poor pathetic creature that my husband felt he was 'helping' or 'rescuing' - whatever...had lied about everything she told him. So - she really didn't exist. He still defends her.....<P>Sorry - I'm not more help, but this behaviour was the last straw and we are divorcing.

It is a moral dilema but you have to ask yourself how bad do you want to know the truth. I used software and caught my w cheating with a former lover. I now know the truth which means a lot to me. I have been trying to get her to counselling but she is very resistant to the idea saying she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I will get plan A off the ground if she will just let me. Q: Do you want to know the truth? take care...

Well, I did a little more searching through my computer, which used to be his. I looked in the AOL cache and found that a month after I moved to friggin' Venezuela (left behind everything) to be with him, he posted an ad on a "swinger" website while he was in Florida for meetings. I confronted him about this before I actually looked at the ad. I asked him why he was on a swinger website and reminded him that he said he wasn't going to continue with this kind of behavior. He just said he doesn't know why he does it. Same thing he said before. Said, it's just one of his "interests". What like bowling, you mean? Can I swear on here? I just went to the site and looked at the ad. The ad says he wants erotic email from women so that he can be "reminded how sexy women really are". I am pretty devastated and I am taking it personally. I just don't get it. I am a very attractive woman who was once even considered for a Playboy centerfold. I guess that's not the kind of sexy he needs or wants. I feel like an idiot for ever trying to trust him again. I should have known better. His ad says he is looking for casual sex, erotic e-mail, and a discreet relationship. What more do I need to know? And where do I go from here?

Annie,<P>I know how you feel. I moved to Singapore with my WS. Guess what OW is still in the picture, & now my H feels trapped. EXcuse me. He knows I will not return to the state we moved from, I will go home to family, & OW custody agrrement ties her, not just to a state, or one county but to one particle neighborhood, (how stupid could anyone be, expecially when she was already involed with my WS, & we lived far from there) Just wanted you to know that you were not alone.

Annie<P>I feel for you as I know how hard it is when you go snooping and find such devastating information. I have been down that road.<P>It sounds like your H could do with some counselling. Do you think he would agree to go? <P>It may be a difficult subject for him to address with a counsellor but he needs to find out the cause of his actions before anything can be done to prevent reoccurence..<P>As for yourself you need to stop blaming yourself for any of his behaviour. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. Remember this problem was inherent when you first met him as you outlined.<P>Take care and know that there are friends to come to here when you need us.

Annie<P>I feel for you as I know how hard it is when you go snooping and find such devastating information. I have been down that road.<P>It sounds like your H could do with some counselling. Do you think he would agree to go? <P>It may be a difficult subject for him to address with a counsellor but he needs to find out the cause of his actions before anything can be done to prevent reoccurence..<P>As for yourself you need to stop blaming yourself for any of his behaviour. There is nothing that you could have done to prevent it. Remember this problem was inherent when you first met him as you outlined.<P>Take care and know that there are friends to come to here when you need us.

First of all, thanks to all who replied. Your input really helps. It helps just to know there is someone there. As far as counseling, it would be a bit difficult since we are living in Lithuania right now where not too many people speak English. But, even if we were home, I don't think he would agree to go. I already know how difficult of a road this is since I had a similar experience with my ex. I think all I can do at this point is tell him the truth about what I found. And then, I need to find out why I keep getting in relationships with men who can't give me what I need emotionally. Maybe counseling, in which case I will have to go back to the States. I know I had a part to play in this, too, as I was getting older, have no babies, and was afraid I wasn't going to find someone, so I settled. Oops. I will have to cop to this as well. Am I glad I snooped? Yes and no. Yes, because I know the truth and I believe there cannot be any basis for a relationship built on lies. No, cuz it hurts, but I will survive I'm sure. Thanks again.