Hi guys, <P>not much to say since my last post, business as usual .... Last week H was visiting us almost every day, staying the whole evening. But, watching him leaving day after day makes me die inside every time. Yep, we spent New Year's eve and day together as family in our friend's mountain cottage, took his two children and our D with us. It was really fun; all except that sad and distant look I caught from time to time in his eyes. <P>We talked shortly about us. I think this was the first conversation since separation he was actually willing to continue for some time. I asked the question, and he was willing to answer, even elaborate a bit.<P>Maybe it was LB, but I tried to put it in a non-LB way. I asked him why is he doing all this, I mean coming and going, spending time with us so often, then leaving ... I made clear I have no intention to provoke or to be unpleasant, I just want to understand, and help if I can. I ask him to help me understand. The answer perplexed me completely - it's for us, said. <P>Few months ago, if I demanded to choose, he would call it quits, said, but now, he tries to save what can be saved. One moment I hear what enourmous effort it takes for him to be here with us, the very next says he comes b/c he wants to. Well, at least he doesn't run away as fast as can when I hug/kiss him. And yes, Lostva, we came to "I know" point when I say "I love you" (sounds awful like Robert, isn't it?)<P>Can someone please explain me what on earth does this all mean? How can you work on your marriage by being separated? <P>I thought I would feel better with him coming so often and actually showing some positive signs, but instead now I feel confused, angry, sometimes even think he's making fool of me and steeling some more time for himself, knowing I'll be there for him, preserving all we had - for us. Sometimes he sounds like he wants to come back, but without paying any price for his mistake. You know, putting it to look like he was innocent victim of circumstances ... <P>What should I do now? PTC...?? I do love him dearly, but after 6 months on roller coaster I am so tired. Maybe I'm seeing it wrong. <BR> <BR>Thanks for reading, <P>Adrian<P><p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited January 03, 2001).]

I only have a second now. Not wanting to fess up to everything upon coming back is talked about in SAA. It is common. Sometimes they feel like they are doing you a favor. You have to just roll with it, and Plan A. I've read that you must heavy duty Plan A then, and don't expect all your needs to be met. You'll get more from the experts, but I say PTC is exactly right at this point. Must be frustrating, but it takes time.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Adrian:<BR><B>I thought I would feel better with him coming so often and actually showing some positive signs, but instead now I feel confused, angry,</B><P>I think it is strange how in marital situations people understand their own rollercoaster emotions, but imbue their marital partner with 100 % clarity of vision.<P>He's confused too. That's good! You are making him think.<P>When my W and I were counseling with Steve Harley, I was Plan Aing by heart out, and we were doing one-on-one sessions with Steve. After speaking with her, he got on with me and said "Congratulations! You have her confused now!"<P>Before your H accepts the new you, he has to go through a period where he still suspects that the bad old habits will erupt. He will wax and wane during this confused time. But it is a sign of progress!<P>Mike<BR>