Can anyone give me some suggestions on not pushing too much while still showing I care & want to be there for him?<P>He moved out a few months ago (we were engaged-I have 2 girls who are very close to him). He has maintained contact with us, because I told him I didn't want to not have him be a part of our lives. He says he still loves me, but he's just not sure he's ready to be married, etc., etc. He's been seeing someone else (can't even admit to himself it's a girlfriend-it is a PA I know) for this length of time. He went from "she's just cool to hang with-nobody can compare to you" to now "the two of you don't even compare because you're two different people" (AHHH!! Not what I want to hear!). He can't tell her when he does see me, she gets mad. She's pushing him already (I love it). But some of his friends are starting to get on him to make up his mind & he's been saying stuff like I can't keep seeing both of you like this. I'm afraid I'm going to be on the losing end of this one.<P>One of my LB's to him was I pushed too much before-smothered. I also think he's having a young mid life crisis-he's got really low self esteem right now & looking in all kinds of outside places to feel better. He's been really honest with me & I've now started listening w/out trying to talk him out of his feelings or getting angry. I want to let him know how I feel w/out putting any pressure or guilt on him, my girls miss him tons too & keep asking me to see him.<P>I know I may need to step back for a while, maybe all the way (not plan B yet, but just let it go & let him search) but how do I still let him know that I want to be there & still care, no matter what without smothering or trying to control?<P>This site I think will save my life-I've been reading the articles & the Q & A for a week or so and just yesterday decided to post. It's good to have people who talk to who understand. It's hard to find people who are involved in your life who will support you with something like this-you never know until it happens to you how you will feel or what you will want to do. I love him and I believe in our relationship. Thanks, sorry for going on & on. Also, since I'm just new, if I'm doing anything funky or stupid in my posts, please help me out.<P>

Same dilema but with W. I cannot get her to counselling and she will not allow me to meet several of her most important emotional needs. Plan A can work I think but it's hard to know exactly what to do without help from the spouse and a counsellor. I wish you the best of luck!!

I agree, I was in counseling, but she was telling me I needed to prepare myself for a life w/out him. Not my goal at this time, so I quit.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bitsy:<BR><B>I agree, I was in counseling, but she was telling me I needed to prepare myself for a life w/out him. Not my goal at this time, so I quit.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>PLan A is about becoming the best person you can be, a whole healthy person, able to stand on your own two feet so that if your loved one makes a choice not to accept what you offer, you have become a better person for the effort. Perhaps your counselor's choice of words didn't relay this in regards to autonomy and healthiness, but I suspect this was the direction the counselor was implying. The smothering neediness that you described is emotionally exhausting to the one receivng this burden. Just a thought.

If the OW is pushing, he'll be starting to think seriously about what he needs to do, or he'll ignore it & they'll fall out. It's usual, according to other posts for the OW/OM to Lovebust to try & get the WS to stay. If they do, it wirks in the BS's favour.<P>SueB's right, you ned to be the best you can be, and move yourself forward towards being a better person & partner. Read through Lovebusting again, and Emotional Needs. Consider why he fell in love with you in the first place (& vice versa) and why you were different when he started his A.<P>Be good to him, show him how you feel with words & actions, and maybe tell him your girls miss him. Would he fancy a couple of hours with the girls do you think? Say they really miss him, and you'd come along so help make sure it's not a huge burdon for him, (he may see it that way). Nothing serious, just at a play area, or a pastime they loved to do with him. This way you get an excellent opportunity to Plan A, and hopefully everyone gets something positive out of it. If he agrees, I wouldn't raise the future as a topic of conversation, but if he does, be calm, honest & think before you speak. He may well be testing the water.<P>It sounds like you are doing a good Plan A - if you do lovebust, apologise quickly after, so he knows you are aware of any mistakes.<P>I had a conversation with my WS yesterday, and I told her I was already trying to be a better person for her if it worked out, and for myself & whoever i met later if it didn't. Your work will ultimately beneft YOU, and whoever you end up loving long term.<P>Keep posting, reading & learning - this kind of thing is a wake up call for everyone involved, it's whether you get out of bed & go to work, or whether you go back to sleep that makes the difference.<P>Make sure at least you can look at a mirror and say - i was right to do what i did, and that you can tell your girls the truth & they are proud of how you handled it. I've got two girls too, and that's a major goal for me.<P>Good luck<P>McB.

SueB-<BR>I totally agree with you about the smothering-I don't think I could have backed him any farther into the corner. . . I see that now & have told him. Also with regards to the counselor, I want help working on the things I see wrong with myself, but I also want to still be aloud to have the feelings I do for him, you know?<P>McBroon,<BR>I've never been up out of bed so fast in my life! I just wish I wouldn't have hit the snooze button so many times first. . . I don't think my position would be so bad right now if I had realized sooner what I was doing wrong.<P>One good thing I will say for him is it takes somebody very special to make another person look at themselves . . . know what I mean?<P>Thanks to everyone for the support & suggestions.