I have been married for 6 years. We have had a pretty good relationship but have not been communicating well for the past 2 years. My wife told me several times she was not happy and I didn't take heed. We had been making some positive changes and she had agreed to attend counselling but then I found out in Dec 00 she was having an affair with an old love relationship from a time before us. She made the first contact with this man and now says she isn't sure what she wants. We have separated in the same house but she won't attend counselling because she says she doesn't want to half-heartedly make an attempt to reconcile. I have read Dr Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" and have read many articles on this web site dealing with this. I prepared the love busters and most important emotional needs questionaires and have filled out the personal history questionaire but my wife has shown no interest in doing the same. I prepared the same for her and left my copies for her to read. I am so distraught that she is not willing to try. I have never been abusive or nasty to her. I have not met her emotional needs up to this point but now I know how. The only problem is she won't even allow me to show her I can do this for her and us. Plan A from the book is great if I could get it off the ground. I am desperately seeking advice as I have not been able to get an appointment with a counsellor. Awaiting a reply...<P>Got an appointment with a counsellor for 4 Jan 01 by myself but am not very confident I can get W to go on her own. I love her more than life and would go back to the gates of hell to save her. I have moved this posting here on advice from a member. I hope to hear from some of you. I am thinking about all the others out there and I'm anxiously awaiting more replies. ttfn...<BR>

It is like an illness isn't it? Except you can't get them to see it or to go for any help. Besides the feelings we have, I also find it hard to watch him struggle like this with himself. No counselling is needed he says, for himself or us. It's so hard-there's a very fine line between letting them go and REALLY letting go. Love is not always a feeling, sometimes it's a choice. Sorry I'm not of much help, just saying I know how you feel.

My wife & I are going to counselling together even though she doesn't know whether she even wants to reconcile.<P>I suggest you ask her whether she will go to help her decide what she wants on the whole.<P>If she doesn't want to reconcile, tell her you only want help in finding out how you both feel.<P>Their will be lots of different emotions going on in her head right now - the well documented fog. You will be in turmoil too.<P>You are doing exactly what I did - Read the site, do the questionnaires, learn from posts.<P>I picked out selective pages from the site and certain post threads which were similar to our circumstances, and e-mailed them to her with a hope that she would read them - she did.<P>You should start Plan A immediately, and start to think about what you havn't done for her. As she see's the new you, and the understanding way you are handling this, she will hopefully want to talk.<P>You sound like you are in the very same situation as I am - i will search your posts to see more, i suggest you look through mine, I've had loads of excellent support from others here. If you havn't done an overall situation post about previous actions, do so if you can - it might help others offer guidance.<P>Be calm, listen to what she says, think carefully about your actions & words - she will be listening too.<P>Be the best person that you can for her, and for yourself - i know how tough it can be in the same house, have you any kids?<P>At the very best, she will see that you can re-gain the in love feelings you once had, you will have time to evaluate your own feelings (it will take time for you to understand what you want too).<P>The statistics and this site show that with committment from both sides, marriages can not only be saved after afairs, but that they can be stronger & better.<P>Wait it out - you might feel it is only you making the effort at the moment, but from tiny acorns do mighty Oak trees grow (or something like that)...<P>Hang in there.......<P>McB.<BR>

McB, Thanks so much for the encouraging words, it helps. My plan A is going to be in effect immidiately but I will have to make some educated guesses as to how and when to meet some of her needs. She stated to me only moments ago on the phone that we are not exactly a couple anymore. That hurt but I responded by telling her we are still married and I will be there to talk to and understand her. I saw a counsellor at lunch for the first time and hope this will help me get all the cards I have in line for the winning hand. My counsellor has not heard of Dr Harley but is going this weekend to get the book "Surviving an Affair" so she can have another perspective on the subject and help guide me using those methods. My wife has reluctantly agreed to see the same person next week on Tuesday. She can't understand why I am trying to get her to try because she says we are separated in the same house. I think she doesn't want to face the grief and guilt she is feeling but I will help her through it. No LB's etc etc.<BR>Thanks again