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Joined: Dec 2000
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McBroon Offline OP
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I had an affair 4 years ago, My W is having one now. She loves us both, but is in the fog. <P>So far, we are talking about what to do, but havn't told our folks.<P>She says she is thinking about telling hers. It's probable that they will do bananas with her, but after that who knows? For me, I don't mind them knowing if it's what she wants, it might even work 4 us staying together, her Mum & Dad i think will tell her that she should try to keep her family together.<P>I've not told mine because it will devastate them, their whole lives revolve around us & our two lovely girls. Yes telling them would provide additional support for me, and I know they would accept my decision to stay together (if we can), and probably even help my W in any way they can. But of we reconcile, will it be worse them knowing, or should i not tell. Support for me is not that needed right now, I'm OK.<P>Advice & experiences please........<P>McB.

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I can tell you what we did here. We told our families we were separating, said there were problems we both had. We didn't tell more than that. I figured if it goes that way she has explaining to do. She also doesn't have them over to visit. I never felt it would help our marriage for them to know everything, too much to blame wife for. Inlaws can be bad enough in the best of times. My wife was afraid she'd be labled the sinner and me the saint. neither one fits in my Opinion. .D.

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McBroon Offline OP
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Excellent advice D, thanks. Think it's probably the best way to go.

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Yes, on paper, this is excellent advice. <P>But, to me, it would only seem to work if your parents are way out of the loop.<P>The wife and I agreed to do the same thing. Only problem was, as soon as I told mine, they already knew why.<P>Seems like that old saying of "last to know" really does apply.<P>See my other post about "Question to NSR..." for more details.

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I wouldn't tell the parents. There is just too much baggage that comes with that....

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My H (the WS) and I debated long and hard on whether or not to reveal our situation to our parents. We had decided to stay together and rebuild our marriage.<P>After discussing it with my sister, the only family member who does know, we concluded that it would be better not to reveal this to our parents. It would devastate both sides, despite our commitment to rebuild our relationship. In addition, I did not want any resentment on the part of my own parents towards my H to impede the process of our reconciliation.<P>This was not an easy path to choose; there are times when I want desparately to run to my mother and weep on shoulder, to feel safe and protected again, as one does in the comfort of a loving parent's arms. However, there is nothing our parents could do, in reality, to change the circumstances my H and I now find ourselves in (long story--won't bore you with those details here).<P>So, we are channelling our efforts into recovery and surviving until we can relocate and achieve total separation from the OW. Real healing is already under way, due to both our efforts, but complete healing will not take place until we do relocate. We do not want our parents to worry and stay awake nights wondering if we will survive this nightmare until we can relocate--they would feel extremely helpless that there is nothing they could do to help resolve it. I don't know that we will ever reveal this to them at any time, unless circumstances force us to.<P>My vote is that, if you can avoid it and you do not need their support to weather it, to refrain from sharing this with them.

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McBroon Offline OP
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I think i'll discuss it with W, and either say nothing, or tell them we're in councelling, but not the full story why.<P>I don't know if my W feels telling them would offload some of the guilt, and that maybe their disapproval will help her break it off<P>There's so many subconcious & untold things going on it's hard to say.<P>Thanks for that though SH, it helped.

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Upon my finding out about my H's affair, I wanted to tell the world, but at that time his shame was my shame.<P>I talked to a psychologist, a friend, and she said not to. the idea was that if we reconciled, their would be grudges and no regaining of trust from them, possibly. This would put pressure on the new relationship and possibly destroy it. Everything is unchanged, if not more strained(for me.) The indifference to me is intolerable. The constant drunkeness to escape his world so he does not have to make decisions...<P>That was 6 months ago. I now want to tell my parents, but again have decided not to. I AM going to tell them of my H's alcoholism, so they are not surprised when we seperat later this month. (I doubt he is going to give up the booze and his woman by Jan. 31) This is a boundry I have set. I am giving him a new one this week, no booze in the house. I am protecting my home and my children in that home. He will probably leave after the weekend.

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If you don't tell families about OP and reconcile, great, no explaining to do. If things don't work out WS has the load to carry. You can say you wish things would have worked out but under the curcumstances there was nothing more you could do. You haven't LB'd and may have their support.<P>

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[QUOTE]Originally posted by McBroon:<BR><B>I think i'll discuss it with W, and either say nothing, or tell them we're in councelling, but not the full story why.</B><P>I would err on the side of keeping it confidential between you, until something forces a story, like one of you moving out. Even then, I think you should just say that you are separating. The adultery part brings out a lot of emotion in third parties, and sometimes it seems like families are slower to forgive and forget than the betrayed spouse, which can really hamper reconciliation.<P>Just curious, do any of the parents know about your affair from 4 years ago?<P>Mike


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