You guys all talk about how your being cheated on, but what about us torn married ppl who are cheating.I care a great deal about my H but at the same time I'm torn. I'm not happy but i dont want to hurt anyone at the same time. Damned if I do damned if i dont.Whos Happiness do I choose?

I think you owe it to your H to try and restore the love that you once felt for eachother. You went outside of the marriage because your needs werent being met. Your H deserves the chance to meet those needs and for you to meet his. If you are torn, then you know that what you are doing is not right. <BR>Let me strongly suggest reading Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. You can order it from here or if you can't wait your local christian book store may carry it. I also suggest that you come clean with your H. Give him the first chance to meet your needs. He is the one that you committed to. Cut off all contact with the OM. It will hurt at first but if you are to save your marriage, then it is the only way.<BR>Please read the concepts on this website. You will find support here to do the right thing.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

Well thankyou! I know what i did was wrong and my H does know about it. He has forgiven me. I think we let things go to far in the first place. I said I care about him, but im not sure im in love with him anymore and i have been genuinly trying to love him and let him meet my needs. We have been trying for so long im tired and i just dont know what to do.<BR>

Cheater,<BR>Well you’re here, you sought this place out because deep down something is telling you what you’re doing is not the answer. Keep listening to that little voice. <P>You say your trying to let your H meet your needs, How are you doing this? Have you given him the tools he needs? Like identifying your particular needs to him. By severing all contact with OM so your H has a fair shot with no fantasy world spinning in your head. By seeking counsel to help you both along. Cleopatra gave you some great advice. Buy that book, read it and believe it. Harley has a plan. It may not work for everyone in every case but it deserves a look. How’s that old saying go “if you keep doing the same things you’re going to keep getting the same results”.<BR>

cheater,<P>my H told me that he cared for me but did not love me also. Once we committed to eachoter and began to try in earnest his feelings changed. I am not saying everyday we feel mushy and emotional but we are far from the caring and not loving stage.<BR>BTW, we have been in recovery for about 6 months.<BR>cleo

Hello Cheater,<P>I am also a cheater. I have decided to give my H another chance to meet my needs. I orginally did not plan to do that because I wanted to be with the OM so bad but he dumped me. He was also married with kids. I do still care a lot about my husband but I have not been completely sucessful in forgeting about the OM yet. I have cut off all contact though. It's a very hard thing to go through and it's nice to know that someone else is in the same place as me. Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>

There are a number of us here who are the betrayer. Not a lot mind you as I guess it does take a certain amount of courage to actually post here and admit that it is us who went and had the affair.<P>My W and I drifeted apart over a number of years and it is only now that we have both realized that our needs were not being met by each other.<P>If you really do love your partner and want the marriage to work, then I would suggest that it is possible to put what has happened behind you and move on. It is not easy, it WILL involve large amounts of hurt and pain for both yourself and also the person that you betrayed, but it is possible, andlet me tell you that the rewards are well worth any amount of pain that you go through to get things right.<P>Communication is the key. Good luck and keep reading the posts here as you will gain a great insight into both sides of the situation.<P>Lizard

Hello Everyone! Yes my H knows my specific needs and is trying so hard to meet them. I definately give him an A for effort! And I am also trying. I have no fantasys in my head about OM.I really do thank allof you for your advice and I will try to get that book. One problem I have is this isnt the first time I have cheated on my hubby. I had an affair about five years ago and we overcame that. How do I know it wont happen again? I feel like its just in my nature. I dont want to hurt my H again, he really is a good man. He deserves better than this.<P><BR>p.s. We have been working on this since july of 2000. <BR>p.s.s. I dont want to be a cheater, I don't just go out and look for it! Believe me i hate the way I feel.<P>[This message has been edited by cheater (edited January 04, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by cheater (edited January 04, 2001).]

Cheater, <BR>no one can predict the future. You should not worry about whether or not you will do it again. What you shoud do is commit to using everything you learn here to repair our marriage and never allow your needs to be met by someone other than your H. If you start to feel close to another man or that you may want to spend time with another man, let me suggest that you run fast and hard in the opposite direction. A good gauge for this is that any relationship, conversation or encounter that you have with a person of the opposite sex that you don't feel comfortable with your husband knowing about is wrong. It's that simple. Temptation can be great in this "feel good" society we live in. We have to learn to say "no" and do what is right.<P>ok..... getting off the soapbox now.<P>cleo

By the way everyone I just wanted to clarify that there is no OM. There hasnt been one since he found out and we have been working it out since july. I am not sure how long i am going to continue to keep being so torn apart as far as who should be happy. Imean if your not happy your not happy, although i am not sure if its him im unhappy with or me im unhappy with.

I hate to be the downer to this "touch feely" thread, but it pisses me off to no end that the "cheater" justifies his/her affair by stating that their ENs have not been met. Did you meet your spouses ENs prior to your affair? I doubt it. Yet he/she did not have an affair.<P>If you don't know now if you will ever have another affair in the future, then you need to do the honorable thing and get a divorce. What you are doing now is extremely cruel to your spouse. Either commit or get out. End of story.

Hi Cheater (ewww...I just cringed writing that!!) - Welcome to MB and kudos to you for taking the positive steps of seeking out some information to help your marriage - and yourself and for having the courage to begin posting.<P>I discovered this wonderful site well over a year and a half ago and it literally saved my sanity. It can open up your eyes to so much if you take the time, mental processing and active participation that is needed to learn that infidelity is a process, why it happens, what to do about it and how to TRULY stop the cycle that leads to it within your marriage.<P>Have you read all the info? Not just the boards....but the principles, the explanations, etc? Do you understand why affairs happen REALLY?<P>I don't think that you have gotten that far yet....I say that only because - you are not a "cheater"!!! You are lost and confused....and unhappy!!! No different from hundreds of thousands of wayward spouses feeling the same at the moment!!<BR>Please don't apply names or categories to yourself because of "societal keywords".....this society is too into labels as it is - they don't need you to bring it upon yourself...'kay? <P>How will you be able to start feeling good about yourself if you have to have such a label for a name? It is not to productive for your esteem.....How about "UnhappyOne" or something? <P>I don't know too much about your situation and I want to help.....so I will ask questions - get ready cuz I am a great one for asking questions!!!<P>How long have you and H been together? How old are you both?<BR>Got any kids? If so...how many and how old?<BR>What led to the affair 5 years ago?<BR>How did you both work through it at that time?<BR>What led to this last incident?<BR>Have you realized that you need to "work through" this one differently than the last.....cuz apparently it didn't "stick"?<P>Why are you unhappy? Was it the same "unhappiness" as before?<P>Have you begun Plan A? Do you know what Plan A is? Have you done some self-analysis to get to the root of what you are unhappy about? Are you going by the "feelings" of the "in-love" high when you try to decide about your H? <P>Do you love your life? What do you want to change about it....not the people around you or in it....but YOUR part in your life. (what you do, how you are, your goals, etc.)<P>Do you love your H? Not are you "in love" with him...that will be recreated if you choose that path....but do you want him in your life? Do you want to share it with him if things were there that allowed the happiness back in?<P>Do you love yourself? What is going on deep inside of you? What "ideals" did you have about marriage that aren't proving to be true? Day to day living surely puts a damper on what we grow up thinking "love" is all about!!!<P>I really care and want to help you sort through all of this.....and it can be sorted and understood!!! You can begin to regain happiness right now by putting in the effort to figure it out for once and for all.......we'll help!!!<P>BIG HUGS to you.....you are a step ahead of a lot of other "lost spouses" - you are looking for the knowledge you need!!<BR>Open yourself up and create the happiness you seek....and you are lucky enough to have your forgiving and understanding H there with you to help and share in this time of self growth as well as marriage growth.<P>Let us help you.....We all have things to learn - both about ourselves and about "love and happiness".<P>Sheba<P><BR>

Ok fist of all to JSG i never said my H wasnt meeting my EN and first of all i was very commited after the first affairthe second one just happed. The first afair was just stupid on my part more of an attraction thing.I dont know it was stupid.And yes I was making my H ENs also before the first one he would even tell you that.This time I had the affair he ws very busy at work and sports. He lives eats and drinks sports. He has backed off since then but the dammage was already done.I am commited or i wouldnt be here now would I.<P><BR>Ok sheba,<BR> I have been married for 8 and half years now. i was 22 and he was 20 when we married. we have three kids al girls 8/6/and 2.the affair five years ago was mostly over sex at the beginning and then i fell in love with him it lasted for a year and a half. As far as working thru it my hubby was very patient with me. In fact we seperated at first. Then he came back because iasked him to. At first I didnt want to work it out, but slowly i fell back in love with him and things got better for along time then we had some downs we moved to another state and moved in with my mother in law wich was pure hell. Then we were ok for a long time.We have been thru bankruptcy and we had another baby. Believe me if you knew everything you would know we had been thru hell and back. I think we both got very comfortable again and he started to do so much with sports, he eats drinks and sleeps sports. He also works nights so we had no time together.90% of the time I am alone with the girls. I hate it,even now i Still hate it. And he cant quit his job or we would be homeless. His hours are like from 6 to 6 am with one hour drive one way. so that is half the prob right there. We are now currently trying to work that out. I am in school so maybe he can take a less paying job soon.<P>As far as plan A no I havent looked at it yet but I will be believe me.And as far as me bieng happy with myself I am not sure. I need to find my own happiness before i can be happy with him dont you think? I love him as a friend but not a lover. And that hurts more than you know, we have shared so much together and that is why I havent thrown it all away yet. Sometimes life can be so hard with kids and amarrige you tend to loose your identity as an individual.I am looking for the me in all this mess. I have been meeting others neds for so long i want to meet mine now. Its all very confusing as you can see. Ther are days I want to work it all out and days i dont want to at all i just want out. I am taking everything day by day right now.<P>I really appreciate your encouragement. Thank you for not being judgemental.Say a prayer for me!