Talked to H this morning. Haven't spoken to him since Xmas when he took Son to OW house without my knowledge. Up to that point he was still denying the affair. Confronted both of them and since then he hasn't called. He called all day yesterday, but I didn't answer his calls. Called first thing this morning and talked like nothing happened over Xmas and wanted to know if our Son would be available tomorrow for a visit. I explained that Son has Bronchitis and he was welcome to visit with him here at the house. Then it went down hill from there. He said that I keep telling him that I can forgive him for the Affair, but I keep bringing her up. How can I not when he is living with her in another state where they are working. He gives me no indication that he wants to work on the marriage. Asked me why I called his family about us being separated, I told him that I called his grandmother to thank her and she asked about H and I informed her that we are separated. I don't understand why he isn't sharing any of this with his family. Anyway there was a lot of finger pointing and then I asked him what he needs from me to show him that I forgive him and I want to work on this marriage. He said that he would think about it. Any words of wisdom for when he comes tomorrow?

Mische,<P>His mind is at a place right now where he may not even want to discuss working on the marriage. That is a normal place to be for some period of time as an affair is ongoing. You just can't push him on these issues right now. You've got to Plan A your best (I know it is hard and he is away), and wait for the fantasy of the affair to wear off. It is a sure thing that the fantasy will wear off. Not all marriages get the chance to recover, but we have no way of knowing what our respective spouses will want to do when the fantasy wears off. So we do our best, including Plan A.<P>He is in some denial about the A, and doesn't even want to tell some that you are separated. That implies that he is confused and doesn't know what to do. All you can do is be honest about how you feel, without LBing, and tell him that you are sad that he isn't wanting to work on the marriage, and that you want to. I wouldn't repeat over and over that you forgive him. I cannot say that to my wife because she is still denying that the A happened. I do say that I'm still committed to my marriage...to me that implies that I'd forgive her without having to keep confronting about the A.<P>I spoke with Steve Harley today, and was very happy about that. However, 15 minutes before that was to start, my wife called in one of her nasty and abrasive moods. That has thrown me for a bit of a loop, but hearing Steve confirm how unpredictable their moods and thoughts are during the A, including denial, not wanting to talk about making it work, etc., was good for me.<P>I would just be positive when he comes home, but if he asks how you are feeling, you can tell him you miss him and wish that he was willing to work on the marriage. Be in such a way that if he takes anything away from his brief visit, it would be "gee, she isn't so bad". We have a hard time competing with the feelings that they build up for these OP. All we can do is our best. You certainly can't educate about affairs, or anything at this point.

I see it as a good sign when they don't want to tell family and friends they are separated =, and especially why. I think then that they are covering the bases in case they get back together, they know A is wrong or would be seen as wrong. Getting approval of A and OP will be hard. I feel WS is the one who should have to face this part of it. I told my family and friends that we were having problems, and hoped we could work them out. I said that I love her and need to correct the mistakes I have made in our marriage. <BR>The truth will come out soon enough without you having to tell it. People are not stupid. They will support you if they feel you are trying your best. Being critical and judgemental doesn't show your love very well. It is also very hard to just replace someone, it's awkward. <BR>The hardest thing I have had to do is step back and let things take there course. When my wife looks back on this she can see that I love her. I tell her I want to make our marriage work and be the best thing for both of us. If she doesn't want me or thinks she can be happier elsewhere, let her try. I have told her to be careful of throwing away what we have together. Plan A the best way you can. Then when she is away from you she is really missing something. it also gives her something to come back to. Better let go, I ramble on most times. .D.