Here's whats happening....Found out about affair right at it's birth (lucky on that one) in November. Set both of them straight...OM got a friendly e-mail from me and he wrote back promising it would not happen and he was sorry. Wife got chewed out and I promised to meet her needs continually. Things have seemed to be pretty good till 12-28-00 when I intercepted her e-mail to him saying she wanted to hear his sexy voice and really needed to see him. Okay, so I'm being played. She is acting very loving and blowing smoke and having her cake on the side too apparently. What I do know for a fact is that they haven't actually seen each other since I discovered this. So, at the moment my problem is dealing with the emotional side. Of her intentions - that's something intangible, something you can't reach out and touch. He wrote her back agreeing that he would like to see her sometime also. So, now that I have been putting forth 110% of my effort in loving her and meeting her needs somehow there must be a need that is not being met or, as I overheard her oneday say "Im just the kind of person who feels that there always has to be a better deal out there. The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence for me. That's just the way I am." So, the dilema for me is whether or not to confront her again with this new found information or to continue what I'm doing and collect more information. I feel that confronting her again might push her in the wrong direction and she may end up harboring bad feelings for me and he may look like the good guy here. On the other hand, if I sit back and collect this information and let her play this game at what point do I lower the boom?? I don't want to lovebust, but I personally feel that if more comes up and the facts show that my plan is not working I should then move out to give her some kind of consequence. Her lack of effort shows me just how much she doesn't respect me. Any suggestions?

What do you have invested with this woman? Children? Years & years of your life? Sounds to me like she has some character issues. You can't control those. She has to decide whether she is a player or a committed spouse. How far you are willing to go in trying to save this woman from herself may depend on what life-investment is at stake.<P>On the other hand some slip ups and back sliding is to be expected during the early months. In any event don't ignore it, talk, talk, talk about this in as nonthreatening a manner as you can manage.<p>[This message has been edited by wesse (edited January 05, 2001).]

Well, I do have some investments with my wife. We have a little girl (3) and stepson (8). I think it would be an easier decision without the children involved, but that's not the case. I cringe at the thought of my kids growing up in a broken home. We have been together for 5 years and married for 2 yrs. I seem to be at a fork in the road and don't know if I should stay and gather more to back myself up or head out the door and give her space and experience life without me in it for a while. I'm almost considering giving her a dose of her own medicine, but I know that's a big no no. I played in a band part-time and woman always come up during breaks or after a gig and I've been propositioned many times but I never carried through with anything. But, I don't know about making her choke down some of that medicine. I'm sure we all experience times where we would like to see the spouse suffer and get revenge. She lives in fantasy land right now, she believes that an affair is only when something physical happens so everything else isn't cheating (in her eyes). I told her about EA and how damaging they are, but the signs point to her just playing games with me and I don't like it.

txfiddler, This sounds so much like what I am going through right now. I found out about the A by e-mails and confronted her where she told me she had the PA with this guy. The best I can figure is I caught it soon but I get the distinct feeling she is still contacting the OM via e-mail and cell phone or at work using his "convenient" 800 number. I have gone to great trouble to research what she is up to because I still don't trust her to tell me the honest truth. She thinks I am torturing myself. I say to that, "no kidding I am". I have not been LBing at all but it sure does get hard. I fear she is going to set up another contact with this OM because one of the emails he sent asks when the Jan rendezvous was going to be. Then I find out she called some hotel out of state which means to my intuition that she must have made a reservation. She says she is being honest but I have a hard time buying it right now. I only found out about this 3 weeks ago. She wants me to leave her alone, we don't sleep in the same room, doesn't want me to touch her etc., etc. I want to know the truth and for her to be completely honest with me. I love her dearly and will do anything to regain her love. What should we do? I'm not sure...

It may be that your spouse is not going to listen to you. I think it's counseling time. Bear in mind, she may not want to go, and that all counselors are not created the same. It may take a few tries to find one who feel right.