After months of lurking, I’m finally breaking my silence to post an update. I first started visiting here last summer and found a great deal of comfort and advice. I was a bit shell-shocked at the time and grappling with what was happening in my marriage. I asked some very stupid questions, but no one was less than kind and helpful. So, first I have to thank you all (however belatedly) for all the help and compassion I received. <P>My last post was on a high note, written after returning from a family vacation. It was a trip I dreaded taking and desperately wanted to avoid (fear of more rejection, feeling as tho I had hit rock bottom, etc.). I finally decided that if I didn’t try, I couldn’t say I gave it every chance. <P>The trip was a success and from there we realized how much we both wanted our marriage. Shortly after that I left the MB site. It seemed the more time I spent here, the more I was dwelling in the pain and uncertainty. I found I had to leave it for a while in order to forge ahead. Perhaps hearing others’ setbacks and failures made me too frightened to even try. Perhaps, for all that it had comforted me before, now it served as a reminder of my fears. Maybe my emotional state was too fragile at that point. In any event, I stepped back, but visited from time to time. I continued to lurk occasionally and thought of the people here often, but I never posted. After six months, its time for an update.<P>I don’t know that we are yet a “success story”. Our relationship is definitely different now. We are both kinder and more considerate of each other, we talk more and are more accepting of each other’s faults. We actually did home renovations together without wanting to kill each other! Yesterday I solved a brainteaser in a couple of minutes which he had been studying for over an hour (I’m just one of those quirky people). He complimented me and told the kids to “see how smart Mom is”. Who IS this man???? He helps out at home, in fact does more around the house than I do, and looks after the kids when I’m at night classes. He is working so hard at rebuilding our marriage that sometimes I am humbled.<P>Occasionally, I still get bowled over with those old feelings of anger, humiliation, almost unbelievable pain or overwhelming rage. They come without warning and leave me feeling like I’ve been winded. Today was one of those days. But it happens less and less often. I’ve learned that I can’t always tell him when I get these feelings – this is my personal reminder. I think he probably has sporadic surges of consuming guilt which he also must deal with. <P>The thing that draws me back is the unshakeable realization that nothing can change what has happened – no amount of tears, guilt, recriminations or withdrawing will alter our past. Even if he would sell his soul to change the things he has done, it can’t be done, any more than I can change any mistakes I have made in my past. I can only decide whether, knowing the man he is today, I want to stay with him. Is what he is offering me today enough? <P>I read somewhere (maybe it was on this board) that the Chinese word for crisis is a combination of tragedy and opportunity. I want to turn this heartbreak into an opportunity (albeit, an incredibly well-disguised one). I’m not sure I can see the silver lining to the whole thing, but I’m still looking. Maybe, in fact, there can be no silver lining to anything so painful. Perhaps the only positive thing to come from it is the person I have become. One of my greatest fears actually happened – and surprise! I survived! In fact, I think I’m kind of proud of myself for how I acted in some instances, and I forgive myself for how I acted in others (well, most days). <P>Anyhow, this is my update (so far) … <P><BR>SALP<BR>
