Hullo friends<P>First of all, I wish you all a year of peace and contentment. I havent been posting here lately but I have been lurking. I have been a bit preoccupied with my own situation but I do check on you all regularly - looking for positive news.<P>H and I spent new year together. We went to a NYE party and then spent new years day together. We had a major "spat" early on NYE - but went to the party anyway. Next day he phoned and apologised for his "unpardonable" actions the day before -<BR>he was very humble and contrite about being late and not telling me what his plans were for meeting up. <P>During the early part of the week he rang me several times - very sweet and interested in what I was doing at work etc. He has been attending a sporting event (cricket!) during the week - mainly with his sons - but I also discovered I was invited to a corporate function with him on Thursday and this had not been mentioned to me - he took his son. <P>Some oddity but erring on the side of positive I thought. When he rang on Wednesday he asked me to dinner that pm - I had other arrangements. Thursday he rang me twice - and then I have not heard again until today when I got a message on my mobile (from H)that he had been at the cricket again today - with son and a Ms X - who is the friend who invited H and OW to dinner just before Christmas. A little bit of snooping also indicates quite clearly that the A has been resumed - I can tell from the phone bills.<P>So, what the hell is going on ? Why did he choose to spend NYE etc with me ? What do I do:<P># wait quietly, going on with the hybrid plan B/Plan A until end of january (h and I have agreed to "talk' at the end of Jan). <BR># Contact him now and confirm that he is back with OW - and tell him that "under the circumstances" I want no further contact (despite the arrangements he has made for my birthday later in the month)<BR># do nothing ?<P>I simply do not understand what is going on -he keeps being realy sweet to me (eg wonderful and generous Christmas presents despite spending Christmas apart); was affectionate and caring all New years day; but he is clearly back in the fog again. All I know is that whatever it is has now been going on for two years. Just when I think I have made the decision to go to a "clean" Plan B - he sends out (false?) hopes again; and the following let down hurts as much as ever. it has been quite frightening today - I spent most of it asleep or lying and saring at the ceiling; ten days ago I was feeling as though i could 9and would prefer to ) get on with mylife without him. <P>Like us all, I consider myself a reasonably intelligent, fairly well balanced person, who could live an independent life; yet I seem to be hooked into this recurring cycle of pain and hurt; to this day I believe thatif he could commithimself to the hard work of recovery we could make it; but I also fear that if we did get back together he would walk away again at the first difficulty.<P>I am rambling - but I would realy like your comments and observations. Thanks<P>R

no advice, just thinking about you.

Rosebrook,<P>I believe that your H does love you, but since he has been in this affair for 2 years...he is most likely addicted to OW. I think that he is conflicted and a fence sitter. He doesn't want to lose you because he does care, but in order not to lose you, he pacifies you so that you'll stay.<P>How long will you be able to tolerate this? It has already been 2 years.<P>Are you beginning to lose love for your H yet? If you are not yet losing love for your H, then I would suggest staying in Plan A.<P>If you are beginning to lose love for your H, then I would suggest Plan B.<P>You can be the only one who can decide what is best for your welfare...since you know yourself better than anyone, and you know how much you can handle.

Rosebrook,<BR>It's a real brain twister. My H just pulled a similar behavior change. With a 14-year anniversary on the horizon, I had pretty well decided that he wasn't ever going to change. As soon as I reach that conclusion and start visualizing a future without him, bam, I actually get something I've wanted for years. You would think it's cause for a huge celebration, but it's just making me confused! <P>You described a lot of positive changes in your H, Rosebrook. Yet he continues his affair, representing more of the same. You want the changes but not more of the same. You have no way of knowing if the positive changes are fleeting or here to stay. Do you say "too little too late" or hang on and wait for the fog to clear. I have no answers. Here's what I think I may do in my situation... instead of planning my future without him as I've been doing for the last 3 weeks, I think I'll visualize this marriage in terms of what I could find acceptable. I really thought I was at the end of my rope. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. It sure is confusing, but there's hope.