This past week has been a very good week, despite the fact that we all have been sick at least one of the days with a nasty stomach virus, but, we survived.<P>Surviving the emotional rollercoaster, that *I* put us on is another thing. I guess that I am having a difficult time with my h going through the emotions and feelings of the A. I do try to help him, and I do understand the pain that he is going through. However, the past two days he has been what I call "love busting". He brings up emails that I wrote to him during the time of the A. He tells me how our whole marriage was a lie. Yesterday, he sent an email to this woman he met on line telling her that he isn't 100% sure where our marriage is heading. Now, that relationship is "harmless", however, when further questioned, he did admit to me that he was looking to get me jealous. He is not lying about it, he just didn't tell me.<P>So, naturally, I feel hopeless, helpless, wish I was dead, feel there is no use. Again this am, another round of questions. Not questions per se, just another way for him to attack me. It has been 4 months, and I know that it is a relatively short time. I am trying to follow the advise of the forum. I am doing all I can to restore trust, (which will be virtually impossible). I am doing all I can to meet his EN, however, he won't let me meet them. I ask him about mine, and he says that he isn't ready to do that. I don't deserve it. He just isn't quite ready to do it. Well, at least he's honest.<P>I really love my husband, and while I can't take back what I did, I am willing to do whatever I can to rebuild our marriage, I just need to know what I can do in the times like this, when it seems so dark. <BR>PJ

I'm so sorry you are in a dark spot right now. It is good that you are trying to understand the pain he is in. Certainly, he should not be LBing, but sometimes it is soo hard...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He brings up emails that I wrote to him during the time of the A. He tells me how our whole marriage was a lie. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>SOunds to me like maybe he is fishing here...wanting to know if YOU think the marriage was a lie all that time. I know when I told my H that I felt that he had always loved me, even when he was confused and hurting me, he was quite relived that I understood this. Maybe your H is looking for some assurance that while you may not have been "in-love" with him, that you always did care for and love him at some level???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Yesterday, he sent an email to this woman he met on line telling her that he isn't 100% sure where our marriage is heading. Now, that relationship is "harmless", however, when further questioned, he did admit to me that he was looking to get me jealous. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds very tempting...I know I taked myself out of ruses to see if I could get some jealousy out of my H. There is a deep need to be reassured of the WS love, and for ourt feelings of hurt to be understood. If he does something like this, you might tell him how you would feel if it were real...that it would make you jealous & hurt, and that you know you did that to him, and are sorry.<P>It will take him a while to work thru all this. Some LBs are unavoidable, but he should not be continually punishing you. Both parties need to strive to understand the others POV. If you feel you two are getting stuck, try the counseling offered here...we only did a couple of times, but it did help.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

I second Kathy with getting counseling, go by yourself if he won't.<P>4 months seems like a long time, but healing can be very slow. Plan A him (my H did when I had given up on the marriage after my own 18 month Plan A and it worked!), shower him with love, patience, time, accountability and whatever you know about his EN. A book I read that was helpful to me when my H didn't want to talk about EN was THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES by Chapman. It's similar the HNHN by Harley and might give you another perspective and a way to connect. <P>From that book I learned my H & I give and receive love in completely different ways--I need quality time, he shows love by service, which tends to mean he isn't spending time with me, he's caulking the windows. But since I now know that is *love* I can recognize that, even if it isn't my language of time...and when I "speak" to him in his language, doing something nice, like sweeping up the cat litter in his bathroom or bringing him coffee, it's a warm fuzzy to him. The times he was planning a separation, a few days before he'd stop putting dirty clothes in the laundry (my chore)--because to him that is one of the ways I show love.<P>And don't worry about whether or not he trusts you--you can't control that--your job is to be trustworthy. Every day.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thanks for the replies. My H and I have been in counseling. Our therapist started us off seperate, I still go alone, but we do go together as well. It does help, however over the holidays, the therapist took a two week vacation. I guess they need a break too!<P>Lor, thanks for sharing about the way people show love. Too many times, I got myself wrapped up in resentments. I would do things, because it is expected, and start to feel resentful. However, since all this has come to light, me doing his laundry is a showing of my love for him. There were times since the A, that I thought, I was pretty darn lucky to still be able to do this! So many things that I had "resented", I am now so greatful to be able to do.<P>Kam, what you said him fishing and that whole marriage being a lie. It wasn't. I tell him that, but he has a hard time with certain things. I am not the best communicator. I have been in such a fog, wrapped up in my own self centerdness that now, I see things more clearly. I hope in time that he will be able to see that, and that I will be able to tell him that.<BR>PJ

PlainJane,<BR>If you really are getting periods of feeling "hopeless, helpless," and wish you were "dead," then I think it's time to consider medication to help you through, because you are only at thevery beginning of recovery. <P>I hate to say this, but unless your H also had an affair (or affairs) , then telling him you "know how he feels" is an LB on your part. He sounds like he's just beginning to get in touch with his anger,-- and that's a GOOD thing, believe it or not. It's actually a step UP from the shock and numbness most of us feel when first finding out it.<P>One word of caution--- don't be too quick to assume that the woman-friend he's writing to on the internet is so "harmless". Your marriage is gong though a very rocky time right now, and that is the absolute WORST time to be discussing it with cyber "friends"--- except on a forum like this one. Does your H read this forum? Maybe he at least would find kindred spirits here.

PlainJane,<P>You have been good advice. I don't know if you have been reading the very long thread in the recovery section started by Desertrose. If you have not, you should take a look at it. It starts out with one topic and then moves into others. I'll book mark it for you. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001766-5.html" TARGET=_blank> desertrose </A><P>The reason I mention this thread is that you may see some of the issues your H is dealing with, but I also think you will see some of the issues you have been dealing with concerning your marriage. I hope so.<P>If I recall your story correctly, the A's lasted over two years and there was more than one. I don't recall how long you were married but two years is a significant length of time, and I am sure makes your H wonder about the marriage being a lie. It will take time for him to begin to feel that it isn't.<P>You have been given good advice about trust. You cannot really earn it. You can only show that you can be trusted. However, I think it is deeper than that. On page 5 or 6 of desertrose's thread I posted a more complete thought on the following. <P>After reading here for almost 2 years, I realized that trust is clearly an issue, but perhaps more profound is that the affair blows some fundamental assumptions one has about the person they married. I think those assumptions being found false can hurt as much. You may be seeing a bit of that as well as the lack of trust.<P>As everyone has said 4 months isn't long and you will see this behavior for at least as long, but what seems to typically happen is that the episodes become further and further apart.<P>So don't despair, you are on the right track and all that you have posted seems very normal.<P>Hang in there and God Bless You and Your H.<P>JL