I have a tough one that I'd like to request some help with. I'm a long-timer and haven't posted in ages. <P>I've been separated since Sept. '98. My husband started an affair with a subordinate while I was pregnant with our second child. He treated me horribly the last few months we were together and I threw him out of the house shortly after our baby was born. He was incredibly relieved to be thrown out and never for a minute considered coming back or working on the marriage. I did a little Plan B and a lot of Plan A, to no avail. The affair is still ongoing and I have no interest in recovering the marriage at this point. I started the divorce process two years into the separation. He would never have done it.<P>The problem has to do with our daughter, now 2 1/2 years old. They have virtually no relationship. My husband went the first eight months of her life without seeing her at all. Since then, his interactions have been coincidental ones when picking up our son for visitation, or when I've had her with me at our son's sporting events. He has never requested visitation for her.<P>For the divorce process, I needed to clarify his intentions for visitation so I could figure out the right child support and visitation arrangements in my offer. I sent him an e-mail asking him what his intentions were towards visitation.<P>He wrote back that he would like to see her as often as he sees our son (every other weekend and one night during the week). Then, he wrote something like "I know you have concerns about her being too young, but don't you think she's old enough by now?". I interpretted that as a blaming statement. The truth is, he has NEVER brought up the visitation topic with me, and the comment he's referring to is two years old (from when she was an infant). Apparently, he thinks I should be asking him to take her.<P>Anyway, I sent him back an e-mail that said "I'm delighted to hear that you want to start visitation. I'll include this in the agreement exactly as you asked.".<P>The next day, he sent me back a message asking me what type of bedding she needs, which I promptly answered and suggested he get her a toddler bed. Folks, this interchange occurred two months ago. No word since then from him on taking her.<P>He lives in a one bedroom apartment with a single queen bed. My son shares that bed with him when he visits. He obviously needs to get her a bed (and find some place to put it) and a car seat. It doesn't take two months to do this.<P>Here's my moral question. How far do I go to make him start visitation with her? I am fairly sure that I could get him to start the visitation by asking him what the status is of the bed and suggesting that he take her the next time he picks up our son, forcing him to buy one on a schedule. I'm highly conflicted about doing this. My reasons aren't all saintly.<P>Most of my friends are advising me that I need to get the visitation started so that my daughter gets to know her father and will have no memory of being excluded from his life. My objections are: 1) I think her father should WANT TO take her instead of me forcing the issue, and he should invest some effort accordingly, 2) I'm not altogether clear that her father will teach her the values that I think are important in her life (although he was a good father when living here), and 3) I don't like the thought of my baby being subjected to this visitation shuffle at this age. OK, I know number 3 is selfish and I can get passed that one. But what about the others?<P>Here's my real problem. I don't like the idea of continuing to take care of my husband's problems in life, with no appreciation from him, and in fact getting blamed for his lack of initiative. In this case, however, there's also the question of what is best for my daughter. A couple of other facts - my husband regularly interacts with the OW during my son's visitation, often takes my son to his office to play computer games while working on weekends, and has yet to take my son on a vacation or for a holiday. He won't discuss anything with me and took my son to meet the OW without mentioning it to me first. He won't answer my son's questions about the OW or the divorce, so I've had to explain everything to him. My son is at the point where he's afraid to bring up issues to his father for fear of upsetting him, and saves all his questions for me.<P>Opinions please.<P>

Personally, I think 2.5 is far too young for overnight visitation. Of course some of my kids were still nursing at that age. <P>It seems to me that if he wants to her to visit him, he should bring it up, not you. <P>Even now, when I mention a meeting or something re the kids, still asks me to email him and remind him. Even after two years, everything to do with the kids is still my responsibility. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited January 06, 2001).]

I agree with Nellie that 2 1/2 is pretty young for overnight visitation. I have another thought that isn't so nice in regards to your H. Two year old are lots of work, so are infants, even much more so. It doesn't surprise me that a self centered WS would not want much to do with a young infant/child when they are into pleasing themselves. It would be my best guess that as she gets older and more independent that he'll become more interested in having a relationship with her. This is just so sad that it breaks my heart, as if her worth has anything to do with her age???????? Wish I could be of more help, sorry

Many thanks to my old pal Nellie and my new pal mtthrhbard for responding. I know this is a hard question. The two of you have surprised me by basically saying I should continue to do what I'm doing. It sounds like the key factor to you is the age of my daughter.<P>My husband certainly disclosed the basis behind this behavior, but I don't really think it's laziness surrounding the work involved (although that may be a supporting factor). I think it's a combination of things. First, I think he is genuinely afraid of me and is afraid to bring things up, based on what he ASSUMES to be an area of disagreement. He is such a conflict avoider that he will literally punish himself based on assumptions of my reaction, and then blame me for what he has done to himself. You would think I dispelled that with my response to his e-mail saying that I was delighted he wanted to see her, but he may not believe I'm sincere. I think that's why he quickly sent the message back the next day about the bedding, to test whether I was really going to let her go. I know this sounds crazy but it's what I believe, especially after analyzing the "problems" from the marriage, none of which were disclosed to me. He continues not to see our daughter and also continues to blame me for it. It's possible that the only way I can prove to him that I'm supportive of his visitation is to arrange for it to happen myself.<P>Of course, I was given the "controlling" label when the marriage was over. Gee, I wonder why? Since he has been unable to initiate anything himself, either during the marriage or afterwards, it's not exactly a surprise that I was making all the decisions. Apparently, even when I don't make a decision I'm still controlling him based on his assumptions of what my decision would be.<P>I am clear that eventually she should see him and should have a relationship with her father. I think I also agree with the two of you that I don't need to push this issue myself at her current age. I probably don't need to champion it until she's about four, when she'll start to question these kinds of things herself. On the other hand, if he ever expresses an interest and starts taking the necessary actions (like setting up a suitable place for her to stay), I will not interfere with her going.<P>Thank you very much for helping me with this.<P>