On 11/30, I received an email at work from the OW telling me all about the three year affair (he had just broken up with her, it started online). As it turns out, this is only one of many, many. We have been married for 32 years, it's been one right after the other. After our tenth year of marriage, I found out that he was having affairs. We hit rock bottom, but somehow pulled ourselves out and went on to have what I thought was a good marriage. Boy, was I wrong! <P>He's extremely remorseful. He loves me, wants to put our marriage back together, has even started counseling. I am confused. I do still love him, but I am terrified of him. Not only can I not tolerate any more pain, but all of these affairs have included unprotected sex. I have no idea what I have been exposed to or what he could expose me to in the future.<P>My gut reaction is to end the marriage. I am financially able to do so and yet I am still here. I feel like a battered woman who can't or won't remove herself from harm's way. Am I crazy? Is there any logic in why I am staying, why I think there is hope? <P>Please, someone, give me some advice.

robleigh,<BR>Sorry to hear of your situation. Believe me, I know how you feel. And yet, I imagine beneath all the hurt, you feel a love for your H. You've been married 32 years.<P>If you haven't read it already, I'd recommend "After the Affair", by Spring. The author deals with rebuilding trust in a way that gives validation to the BS. I found the steps suggested to be helpful to show willingness. I had to see my W willing to go out of her way to change phone #s, be accountable, go to a treatment program, etc. <P>I think a real commitment is extra important when there have been several, or long term As. My W had sex with more than one OM, and I insisted she go get tested for STDs. Not wanting to face our Dr, she went to the local clinic where, I guess, prostitutes go. It was a humbling experience for her, and even further reinforced her remorse over what she had done.<P>I'm glad to hear you are in counselling. I really feel these things all have to come out. People who cheat for years build up such a system of self-dishonesty, that to forgive too soon is a real danger. <P>You might also gain some insight from Dr Carnes "Don't Call it Love", on sexual addiction, or Dobson's "Love Must be Tough".<BR>Take care, after four months of this nightmare, I'm starting to feel almost sane again. Forgiveness? I'm still working on that.<BR>Dave<P><p>[This message has been edited by Davidb (edited January 08, 2001).]

glad you found this site robleigh.<BR>You will find much needed support here. I read Dr. Harley's book Surviving An Affair. It was straight forward with no psychobabble. It made things ver clear to me. If your H wants to work things out I suggest following up with the book His Needs/Her Needs also by Dr. Harley. There is a workbook that goes with it. All of the concepts in these books are supported and practiced here on this website.<BR>Since your H has had many affairs, there is a book by Dr. Frank Pittman called Private Lies. He addressess this problem. <BR>Davidb made a really good suggestion about getting tested. I would also recommend setting some boundries with your H. <BR>You are not crazy in your thinking. If you think that there is hope then the tools to repair your relationship are here but your H will have to participate. <BR>I hope that you get some peace soon.<BR>cleo

Robleigh<P>My H started down hill after our tenth also. But is was not immediately with A's. It was mostly with drinking and depression. But it was so sinister that no one really noticed. There was this general sense of unease and unfounded unhappiness. It grew for my H until he became a full blown alcoholic(functioning one.) and then met the OW on a business trip, 18 months ago. She offered him , probably, the adoration he sought to make hiimself feel good. It started very quickly with no battles about should I or shouldn't I. She does live in another state, so it is still going on when he goes out of town.<P>I think the book "his needs her needs" is really a good one to start with. The idea of finding out your partner's most important needs is necessary for a healthy relationship. H should know yours too!!! I cannot do that , my H will not talk to me about anything concrete, He is afraid of life right now, and his hard decisions. MLC, too. But maybe if you both had ideas where to begin, then he would turn his interest back on your relationship.<P>I have been married 16 years, my H is just beginning his riggermarole, and we have eons to go. But not in recovery yet, he has not given HER up yet. It has been six months since recovery for me. These technics do not apply to my relationship yet, because he doesn't have the interest. But I do Plan A with gusto!<P>I hope your H can turn his attention to you after your years of patience. Have him tested for STD's and find out as much as you can about the new man that is your H of today, and find out if you really want to go through this again. But with the MB princples and the willingness of your H, you may find that this is his last A. <P>Even if he is not willing. Read about plan A, while you look into your H. Good luck. and maybe find a counselor, for now.<P>B

Thank you all for your replies and support. I have been reading everything I can get my hands on and will now get the books you have suggested.<P>This is the first time I don't feel alone or "crazy" in wanting to believe there is hope for my H...that he can change. I am so afraid. Afraid that he'll do it again once his shame has passed. I realize that I not only have to fear more emotional pain, but I have to fear STDs. In a way, that's the most devastating thing of all. How could he have unprotected sex and expose me to whatever? I have an appointment to be tested.<P>I sometimes wonder if I can get passed this resentment, this anger, this pain, this fear. I feel like this is all I think about<P>Davidb, you are just slightly ahead of me on dealing with your pain. It's encouraging to hear that you have reached some level of sanity again. I hope things continue to improve for you.<P>Cleopatra, you mention setting boundaries. Can you please elaborate?

I meant boundries such as "rules"(for the lack of a better word) for protecting yourself from possible STDs and further affairs. You can tell him in non lovebusting way that there whould be no contact with any other women. Complete honesty about his realtionships. Total accountability for his time etc...<BR>Because he has done this multiple times, I think it is reasonable for you to set some ground rules for you "new" marital relationship. If he is truly remorseful and willing to work things out then he won't begrudge you these things.