My wife had an EA/PA with a former love relationship. I have been reading the columns and forum topics here and in some cases it has been stated this is the worst situation to overcome. True?<P>My W says we are not exactly a couple anymore and is happy being in-house separated. She has been willing to talk to me about our situation but is resistant to give me a chance to make the changes necesary to restore her love for me.<P>I have been plan Aing for about 9 days and have had some ups and downs with it. She caught me snooping and got very angry. Rightfully so because once I thought about it, I realized I would not want that either whether I was up to something or not. I think I have finally realized that plan A should focus on me being the best person I can be for me and US. I am extremely afraid she will not come around because of the "separation" agreement we made. Was this dumb? <P>She wants to have space to decide what she really wants but after reading some, I feel this is just enabling her to continue contact with the OM. Something I simply cannot live with. I have told her in non LBing ways that this contact and her unwillingness to try with me is very hurtful to me. She says she understands my position but once again, I am afraid of the outcome.<P>I read a posting by wld? and got the feeling that I may get the hammer somewhat similar to the feeling he was having when his W came home from weekend with OM. W says she does not want a divorce but right now I suffer greatly not knowing what she really wants or needs. The only saving grace to this is the OM, I'm quite sure, lives in another state. The former lover thing is the main question but does someone have any insight to these thoughts and questions?

Something else I just thought about and would like some advice on. I am pretty sure I know the OM's phone numbers and his W's name and address. I have sworn to my W that I would not contact them. I do this because I promised and happen to be an honorable person and my word is good. I just would like to know why would she be so insistant on the OM and his W not be contacted? The OM has $$, I think, and is on his second A with my W with as many wives and probably has a lot to lose. She said she started it but I say It takes 2 to tango.<BR>?????

I have some thoughts. Hopefully you know that your situation is not unlike many others on here. Sometimes each of us works ourselves into thinking that "our" situation is different in some fundamental way, but in reality, most of these affairs have the same ingredients, as described by the Harley's.<P>Not being a couple, needing space to decide, wanting to separate, living together but separated....all these things are textbook statements. I've heard them all too.<P>It always boils down to LBs and lack of ENs, resulting in an environment that made an affair more likely. Former lovers sometimes become appealing to people....that in itself tells you that it is possible to bring the love back when it seems it is gone. That is what you have to work with.<P>Talking to Steve would be good for you. Regardless, 9 days of Plan A is only the beginning. Don't expect fast results. All you can do is be your best, read and learn, and Plan A.<P>I don't know about former lover being the worst situation, but to me the fact that it ended with the former lover once says it can end again. Something was not right for it to end before.<P>You have an advantage in that your wife is willing to be in-house separated. Perfect opportunity for a full Plan A. It becomes harder when they move. Don't worry about the snooping angry reaction...that is normal. I have a different view on whether it is right or wrong. I don't care what it is, sometimes you just want to know what you are up against. So I say go ahead and find out. I've stopped now because I know enough, and knowing more isn't buying me anything. But I did it for awhile. It is a big LB if you get caught.<P>I would suggest taking a deep breath, spend time thinking about your Plan A, and expect this to be a long journey.<P>

I just saw your 2nd part. That is a tough one. I'm not the best to talk about whether to contact OMs wife. Some do, some don't. See what the others have to say. Myself, I'd be very tempted, but that sets you up for a potential real separation, or it can go the other way, and result in the affair ending sooner. See what others say.<P>She doesn't want them contacted because that would blow it into the open, and it wouldn't be a secret anymore. Obviously his wife might be very upset.

I would suggest that you contact the OM's<BR>wife immediately and inform him. My guess is<BR>that this man would quickly end the affair<BR>with your wife. The point that the OM has lots of money is very important. He will be<BR>able to continue the affair and do things for<BR>your wife that you are unable to do because<BR>of his money. You must move to make her affair more difficult for her or you will indeed probably lose her.<BR>

Contact with either of the others is out of the question as I have given my word. Maybe I was hasty. I think I was more like desparate to get her to talk and understand at the time. I guess I will have to live with the decision but I thank you for the input. <P>Plan A is early days but I get the feeling it in itself is a LB to her. She said she did not want a yes man. I told her that's not the goal, the goal is to become a better person. She says it's not me and is unwilling at the moment to commit because she doesn't believe it will pan out. I will have to modify Plan A and see what happens. I am committed for the long haul but some sign of her being willing would sure help right now. <P>The other guy's money is a concern because short of the money she is probably spending on her cell phone, I think he is footing the bill for their meetings. I'm not sure if I am starting anything correctly after tonight's conversation. It would be nice to talk to Steve but the money is an issue. I know it shouldn't be but can't do anything about it at the moment. I have regular meetings scheduled with a counsellor on base who seems to be willing to understand MB and help in that way. I will see and I will be praying for all of us.... Thanks<P>Scott

Your wife has committed infidelity with this OM and yet has the chuzpah to make you promise not to tell the wife of this OM. It appears that she is controlling how this melodrama is playing out. You are there for her convenience. Your fear of loosing her has made you docile to accept this emotionally abusive situation. I would recommend that you seek out therapy to recover your self esteem and self respect. You cannot control your wife's choices but you can control whether to have her in your home and in your marriage. A good book on this subject is by Dr.J.Dobson titled "love must be tough". As for the OM'wife tell her about her sleazyhusband. Does that mean that you would be breaking your word. Yes just like your wife broke her word to be faithful and loyal spouse to you.<BR>Your wife is the one who has corrupted the marriage and has no right to tell you what you can or cannot do.

Thanks for the input guys. I have been tossing this around in my head for a few days and it is killing me. Max, You have made me do some deep thinking about this and have given me some more ideas on how to discuss the problem with W. She has to know that what she is doing is wrong and regardless of the OM and his W it is our marriage that should be protected not their's. I have been USMC for 17 yrs and it would be hard for me to break my word because of that service and commitment to integrity. I'm sorry on this one guys. Ther may come a time, God forbid, when I make the move to do so but for the time beeing it is going to be the LB that leads directly to divorce. I went on Divorce busters today and have gotten some insight from the forum there. I am going to Plan A my booty off and try to hybridize some of the concepts from DB. Thanks again and be it known you are all in my prayers.<P>Scott <BR>