.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

Good question TTMO, i am interested myself in what others might say. It would be great to know also what the WS did or his behavior to S and OP were at the time of coming out of the fog. Can we see it coming, or is it a shocking breakthrough for everyone?<BR>B

How would you define "fog," and what's the difference between it and withdrawal?<P>Ivory

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

TTMO,<P> I think the coming in and out of the fog is a part of the withdrawl. Just as in addiction to drugs once you take them away they still long for it. The longer they are without it the less they crave it. Eventually this goes away. I think the length is dependent on the person and how deep into the fog they were...<P> As for the OP and what they do I can only tell you my side. The OM in my case was nothing more than a player. Once it became difficult for him he just walked away. He had many different women on his plate and didn't want to be bothered... I think this depends on whether they are in the fog or not...

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trying to move on:<BR><B>I know all about this fog thing, but am curious to hear from any who experienced it as the BS or WS. Is it typical to go in and out of the fog for some time? How does the WS feel about the OP during this time?<P>Also, what does the OP think during this time? Does he/she realize what is going on? If that is the case, does he/she fight to keep the WS and in what way?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I might be classified as still in the fog, though I do--as you phrase it--move in and out at times. There remains much affection for OW. But there are times when I look at the reality of my situation, and look at the visual reminders ---photos, scrapbooks, etc.--- all reminders of the life W and I have lived together--- and find myself thinking that this is the life that was prescribed for me, and that it is the life I am supposed to try and rediscover. <P>I do think much about the people who are counting on me to do the right thing, from W to children (they are 18 and 21 and not living with us, so not quite the same as small kids at home) to parents to extended family to church family to friends.... the list is very long. "People like me don't do things like this" is the operative concept. My heart is not the benchmark, and after all, the collective wisdom with the Harleys and the others here would say that my heart is a deceiver at the moment. I am trying to go with that out of blind faith, because it certainly doesn't seem that way to me and it is not necessarily what I would choose for myself given no other considerations. But then, "myself" is not supposed to be the main issue, except for those deeply in the fog.<P>As for how I feel about OP during this time, I think I sort of answered that already. I would use the word "love" of course, but yes, I know that on this forum such "love" is termed an addiction. I don't know that it is; I don't know that it isn't.<P>As for how OP feels about me, she loves me deeply but she also is encouraging me to tell W about the A. I know that probably surprises everyone! She can't go on with the deception and we'll never know if the future holds anything for us or not until W knows about the A and W decides if she is willing to work on the marriage and I decide the same thing. I do think I owe it to W and both of us to try. In any event, OP better can handle her situation if everything is on the table, no matter what that means. Even an OP can rediscover her conscience, depsite the skepticism some of you might feel about that.<P>OP's ability to love me yet encourage me to do the one thing that would have the best chance to once and for all stop us ever from having further relationships is, to me, encouraging. I have drawn strength from that, as much as from this board. <P>I may someday come to be grateful that I worked on the marriage, and I may someday be back in love with my W as I was when we married, and may even find myself admitting that a future with OP would not have worked out, etc. etc. etc! But your question was asked about the <B>present</B> situation, and that is it.<P>And to other readers, please, while "Trying to move on" has not done this, if others of you wish to rake me over the coals about my positive comments about OP and how deceived I am and how wrong it is to be positive about her while withholding positive actions from my wife...<B>and so on</B>, please restrain yourself if you can. Others already have done it for you prior to now and I do understand how everyone feels about that sort of stuff. I attempted to answer the question honestly for how it was phrased, NOT to ake some sort of defense about whether I'm right or wrong.<P>Ivory

Ivory. I am impressed with the fact that you have admitted here on this forum that you are the WS and have not as yet even told your W. <P>I admire the fact that you feel you owe it to your W to try to heal the marriage, if she also was prepared to make changes.<P>As the BS, I will tell you she may very well want to save her marriage. I know that I do. My h has been seeing ow for 18 months and I have known for 6. I plan A him all the time to give us a try, but he has the love thing going on, but he also does not want to hurt anyone. He says he holds no love for me anymore, and that is where we stand. He makes no choices, only goes deeper into the hole he is digging. But his time will run out, and so will yours.<P>Make the choice to give your W time to work on the marriage, and some time to get over the initial betrayal anger, fear, etc. It is extreme and you will want to run. But don't. <P>I tell my H, "give our marriage the 6 months I gave you to make up your mind(me or her.) Work on our marriage with her out of the picture so you can focus. If it does not work at least it was a <B>worthy</B> try. Then we can seperate with few hard feelings, and little resentment." <P>Rather than denying your wife the opportunity to meet the emotional needs that she is not meeting, and the ow is, You may find what you seek if you know where to look and if she knows what you are looking for! Live up to your committment you made on your wedding day, do your best...<P>

<p>[This message has been edited by AloneAlot (edited January 12, 2001).]