Since this is my first time here, this may be long. I need help, so please don't leave. I've lurked around these boards for months and really admire those of you who have the strength to stay and do this plan A thing. I'm ready to go crazy with the obsessing over everything. I found about about my H PA in Feb.99--the OW came to my door at 11pm to confront me and my H. Turned out she didn't go through with it "the details" and came up with some crazy story about work. (She just wanted to scare my H) After a horrible night of arguing and getting no-where he finally came clean the next night admitting to the PA when they used to work together but that it had been before we were married, 3-5 yrs ago..he couldn't remember when (ugh, the lies) "she was a crazy girl just trying to make his life miserable, he was over her and I had nothing to worry about". I was 2mnths pregnant at the time and my D from previous M was 10yrs. I certainly didn't want to upset my whole family life for something that supposedly happened before we were married, right, but I of course became suspicious of EVERYTHING since I didn't believe the whole story to begin with (my H is cute, but who pines after someone for 3+yrs and then just goes up to their house to make trouble with the wife) I became the most dis-trusting person in the universe, became very bitter, OBSESSED over this OW and trying to find out if he was still seeing her, not to mention driving a huge wedge between my H and I since my moods were as unpredictable as the weather (but that's normal for us women I guess) <BR>I found this site and decided to really try to work on this marriage, my H seemed open to it too. We started reading "Surviving an Affair" together, but he didn't get past Ch.4. I guess this should have told me something!! Then in Aug. 2000 we start getting prank phone calls at 2am, 3am, 4am. Really annoying, and then I can't get back to sleep because my head starts spinning...I know exactly who it is!! One night at about 6pm she calls and when I answer the phone she says "C---" and hangs up. (good thing my D didn't answer, we sound the same) Well, I've had it and ask him who he thinks it is? Low and behold, it must be her....he's seen her a few times and even met her at a diner to eat a few times (in my head are pictures of "other" things they probably did "a few times" Grrrrr. He wants to change the ph# immediately, blah blah blah. Convinces me again, there really is nothing to worry about. Ok, I'm feeling really dumb now, but hey, when you have kids it's such a hard decision. Again, now here's the most recent kicker and I'm at my wits end on Plan Aing anymore and turning my head:<BR>12/19/00 goes to work 4pm-12am shift. Calls me around 9pm but it sounds really weird, quiet, not like the normal background noise so I question him of course and ask to have the ph# where he is to call him back...he flips out and says no, hangs up and then doesn't return my pages all nite. I drive to his office (with sleepy children in the car---terrible what lengths we go to) but I can't find his car. I drive by her house..no car, called her work...off that nite-how convenient. I'm going bolistic!! To shorten this story, nothing checks out that nite...all lies, lies, lies. What I'm really stuck on is why he contiually tries to convince me that he loves my, that nothing is going on, blah, blah, blah. We even started counseling last week, but now I just found out that he took $150.00 out of the bank on 12/19. by writing a check as Cash, however, in the checkbook register he wrote that it was payable to our credit card company. Now I have cold hard facts that he was dishonest and hiding something...I haven't confronted him on it yet, I just don't know what to do. Why does he act like he wants this to work. I'm so very, very confused and hurt and can't stop the things going around in my head. I'm so confused about what to do. Please help with any advice.

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. As I am reading I got that familiar feeling of what its like to be caught up in finding all of this information. <BR>When the A is happening our spouses will lie about everything to keep the A going. You know, from reading the book, that once the A is exposed it usually dies a natural death. My H's A took a couple of months before it was really over. <BR>You are in counselling now and he says he wants it to work? There must be absolutely no contact! Has he agreed to that? Will he write the letter?Her number can be blocked from calling your house. You do not have to go through the hassle of changing your number. Also, he can block her from all email etc..<BR>I know that right now while you are in the middle of everything that it seems hopeless. Start Plan A. I know at times you will wonder why you are even trying. It does work. If he says that he loves you, that's a start. My H didn't even say that. Plan A will help keep you a little calmer. It did for me. I felt like I was on a mission and it gave me focus. <BR>Regarding all of the things spinning in your head. You know waht is going on. You have to decide if you want to make anymore midnight runs or search for more evidence. At some point it will be counterproductive - for you and for Plan A. If you find that you are stuck thinking about it, do something fun with your D or read. I often used that time fro prayer as it made me feel calmer. <BR>I hope that you can use some of these suggestions. <BR>cleo

Welcome.<P>I know that things look bad and they probably are. You must stop obsessing and give your H the true plan A. I know it is hard. It is the hardest thing to do. I fight it all the time. But it is not helpful to you. it makes you more angry and resentful mostly because you cannot find out what you want.<P>Do you really want to know? You must give your H the opportunity to tell the truth. Start talking about how important truth is in a marriage. Ask him if he feels this way. then go on to tell him your suspicions, fears, and see what he has to say. Tell him your FEELINGS.. It is important you share that all the time, but in a non LB-ing way. Try to keep in the "I" mode. No recriminations, or he'll turn off. Try writing it out in advance and practice what you'll say.<P>Good luck.