My partner of 11 1/2 years recently had an affair that lasted 3 weeks but those 3 weeks seem like the 3 years. They want to try and work things out with me now but my biggest problm is that it was all caught on tape. The affair hurt but not as much as hearing the things they said about me. Some of the things were true others exggerated and still others a flat out lie. I was made a continual joke of their affair and when I say joke that is exactly what I mean. There were plenty of laughs at my expense even in the bed during sex they found a way to make fun of me. I heard my partner tell this other person how much better they were at making love than I was and how I thought I was good but I could never make them feel like the other person could, they were the best. The biggest part of trying to work this out is that I can't seem to erase the words I heard nor can I bring myself to make love to them without feeling self conscious and inadiquate(sp). I need some advice on what to do and how to handle this. My partner is trying to convince me that I am good in bed and that they didn't mean all they said that it was just the heat of the moment but I'm not buying it. Going crazy re-playing these tapes over and over in my head.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<BR>I don't know if I can offer you any great advice, but I can tell you I know how you feel. My W wrote pornographic sex stories about her and the OMen. These stories detailed actual encounters she had with them, often behind buildings, or in parking lots. She wrote about their body parts, and used the most filthy language imaginable. <P>Of all the hurt I feel over this, it is this stuff she wrote that hurts the worst. I can sure empathise with what you're going through. I've told my wife many times how much this stuff has hurt me, and to date she has not come up with any real explanation that makes any sense, or helps me to accept.<P>Mostly, I've had 4 months to take a much more realistic look at myself, and her. She's a very sick girl, I'm hoping she gets some more help, and can go to a treatment center for a while. <P>I don't know, Healing, I think our spouses do these things because of a very deep sense of guilt. They do all these little "extras" - the things that seem to hurt us all the most - in an attempt to somehow tell themseves that what they are doing is OK.<P>Hang in there, your S seems to be showing remorse it will get easier to deal with. Put the tape somewhere where you can't get at it and don't listen to it. Of course, I know that at first you are obsessed with something like this, and can't put it down, but when you feel that maybe you don't want to hurt yopurself anymore by listening, go ahead and put it away or destroy it. <P>Give yourself time. My Ws personality has changed for the better since all this came out. They are truly not living in reality in these affairs, and maybe when they have fully forgiven themselves, they will find the right words to explain what they've done, and to make it up to us.<P>Good luck, this stuff is the roughest, I know, but you know what? Everyone here has the "roughest" stuff they are dealing with. None of this is pretty. <P>Keep posting, it sure helps to know that others have made it through things that seem insurmountable.<P>Dave<P>

before I offer up any advice, I just have a real quick question.<P>You said "they" want to try and work things out. Who is "they"? Your H and OW?<P>You said "nor can I bring myself to make love to them..." Who is "them"? Your H or your H and someone else? <P>I am a little confused. Since I don't know your whole story I was wondering if you could clarify those things first.

Cleopatra "they" being my partner and "them" also referring to my partner<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

healing,<P>It sad to say but a lot of us have seen, heard or read things that are very haunting and can often times be a stumbling block for recovery. I can only guess what kinds of things were said behind my back. I choose not to go there. when I start to get vivid pictures of the things that i found, i try to chane the image to something more positive. You have to stop the replay for your own sanity. If you truly believe that your partner is remorseful you will have to work on letting those things go. I know that they are very hurtful but sometimes it gets in the way of making true progess.

Cleopatra at times I feel like my partner is remorseful and at other times I feel like the only reason for the return home was that there was no other option. The affair did not end by their choice it was a forced decision and I spent 7 weeks after that consoling a depressed person. Depressed not for what we had lost or been thru but for what they had lost from the affair. I try to think positive but it is hard at times to keep my chin up.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>Cleo is correct. You have got to realize that a lot of things that you hear come out of the WS trying to rationalize an irrational situation. If I believed half the crap I've heard from my WS, I wouldn't give recovery any chance.<P>Try talking to one of the Harley's. Although my situation is far from over, I can plainly see the light at the end of the tunnel because of Steve Harley's counseling.

I'm confused.....<P>Please excuse me if this is rude.... are you a man or a woman? Are you in a same-sex relationship? I only ask this because the complete lack of gender references makes your story difficult to follow. "My partner" is commonly used for same-sex relationships.<P>Please clear this up .... it will make replies less confusing.<P>The same-sex relationship can also benefit from the principles of MB ..... and certainly betrayal is betrayal and pain is pain.<P>Thank you<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

do you mean that it was forced because you found out? Dr. Harley says that most affairs die a natural death after being exposed. I wouldn't let yourself take the blame for that one. Nobody really forces another to do anything unless of course you are being held at gunpoint.<BR>Also, there is a withdrawal period for the wayward spouse. That is the depression that you were nursing. This is typical of the ending of an affair. <BR>Have you read the concepts on this website? Dr. Harley has many goood books. I would start with SAA and then HN/HN. SAA will help you understand what is going on with the A and the termination of it. It can also help you on the path to recovery. Really, speaking from experience, I would start there. You will get a lot of support here for your recovery. It has been a Godsend for me.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

Your experience sounds horrribly painful! I'd have a horrible time confiding in or trusting this partner again (irregardless of the genders envolved), muchless feeling loving or sexual. The Harley books are good and I have great things to say about the book After the Affair by Janis Abrams Spring. It describes common feelings of betrayed and betrayer(those not her terms, though!) and CONCRETE ways to rebuild the relationship. Your partner's got to go LOTS farther than "I didn't mean it" for you to heal!!!<P>Good luck!<BR>Jenny, 2+years in recovery--woohoo!

Yesterday to answer your questions I am a female and my partner is a female so yes I am talking about a same sex relationship. I chose to not reveal this originally beccause at other locations people would not even begin to help you find ways to deal with the pain of the infidelity. A lot of people feel and still feel that a same sex relationship is not the same as an opposite sex relationship in that you can't call it an affair because there is no legal marriage and that 11 1/2 years does not constitute a committment. So yes it may have been unfair of me to withhold this info but I need people to help with the problem and I didn't want anymore doors slammed in my face. <P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

HealingNC.....<P>Thank you for your answer.<P>I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you to have to know what was said about YOU while they were together.<P><BR>Has she been forthright about what happened and why?<P>There are gay/lesbian counseling centers across America. Have you hooked up with one?<P>Best to you<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Welcome, I kinda figured you were gay. So sorry you had to come here. The reason you and your partner aren't married is because of laws. But the pain and issues of infidelity are the same whether you are straight or gay. We all need love and to be able to trust our partners. The Harley principles can apply to any relationship, even non-sexual ones. They are honesty, consideration, respect. Betrayal hurts no matter what sex your partner is. <P>We run the gamut here, from people whose spouses have had children with their affair partners, to cyber relationships, to platonic friendships that become more important than their marriages, to outright physical, spiritual and mental abuse. There are a few unmarried hetero couples as well who deal with the same problems.<P>I for one am not going to flame you. Your pain is as deep as mine. I found a letter my H had written to his BestFriend 3 years ago, in which he talked about his concern for a problem I was having, seeking her advice. Thus I realized that for years he had been removing himself from our family and taking his tablet off to write to her. He never shared these letters with me. And I'm not a snoop. But something told me that day to open his briefcase and see what was going on.<P>Keep coming here for support. If anyone flames you (and I don't believe that will happen) just ignore them. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Yesterday,<BR> I have tried hooking up with gay counseling centers but my issues and feelings are the same as a heterosexuals feelings and I felt this was a good place to try. <BR>Bellevue,<BR> Thank you for your support. I don't feel anyone will bash me for my sexual orientation and hopefully the advice and support will be helpful<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Tomorrow, January 10,2001 would be our 12 year anniversary but obviously there is nothing to celebrate. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with the pain and the anger along with the anxiety of what tomorrow was suppose to be. Need some tips on how others handled their anniversaries after finding out. Also my partner things that I should just get over it and move on, that dwelling on what happened is only going to destroy us. And to think I thought the affair was going to do that.<P>------------------<BR>Healing in NC

Healing,<P>About your anniversary, you can celebrate or acknowledge it in a low key way considering the way you are feeling. <P>I takes a while for our feelings of anger and hurt to subside. Your partner should not expect it to be otherwise. I am sure that you are in a great deal of pain and that she sould understand that. My guess is that she is telling you to "get over it" because the whole subject makes her feel uncomfortable. I discussed the A with my H on several occasions. I asked a lot of questions too. After a few conversations he did say that he felt it would be counterproductive to keep bringing it up. I agree. Find out what you need to know about the A and share your feelings. Don't expect too much in the way of a response. I have more than enough information about the A and every now and then I think of a question. But before I ask it I decide whether it is really necessary for my healing to know the answer or is it just morbid curiosity. After that, you two should work on healing your relationship. I really do recommend those two books I mentioned in an earlier post. They provide the building blocks to make things work. I can attest to that.<P>cleo

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HealingnNC:<BR><B>Tomorrow, January 10,2001 would be our 12 year anniversary but obviously there is nothing to celebrate.///Also my partner things that I should just get over it and move on, that dwelling on what happened is only going to destroy us. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, your partner is right. Plan A is designed to make yourself the best and most attractive partner you can be. No wayward partner is going to sign up for a lifetime of sackcloth and ashes. <P>Plan A isn't for the weak You have to gird up and change yourself, your habits, stop the lovebiusting, and start addressing the needs of your partner. It actually is helpful to you, too, to have something to work on instead of your depression <P>Have you taken the EN and LB questionaires? That should be a signpost for where to direct your energies.<P>By the way, I applaud your commitment to your partner, and I assure you that no one will be anything but helpful here.<P>Mike

HealingnNC,<P> Ouch..I feel for you. I know it has probably been said before, but try to put the things that were said where they belong, in the past. You might think about actually doing something physical to the tapes... burn them, bury them in the back yard, dump battery acid on them. I feel that phsical action of some sort would help with moving on...sort of a "closure" thing.<P> Next, try to read some of the excellent info in this site... check out the his needs/her needs info (you bet they can be applied for her/her, too!). Print out 2 copies and ask your partner to fill out hers and you fill out yours. Tell her it is to help you learn her needs. This does work! I filled it out with my bf, and found out a lot. He told me (after a 3 hour discussion) that he felt like we had really connected.<P> One more thing...you might think about bringing your partner to this site, too. She could benefit from this. <P> I'm sorry you are here( because of the affair), but I'm glad you found this site.<BR>I hope this site helps you.<BR>(((((((((((HurtingnNC))))))))))))))<BR>~~Mynabird