Thank you to all of you who have voiced concern. It's nice to know that someone cares.<P>I have been an emotional mess since H left again 2 days before Christmas. Starting in Nov and right up to that day, I had always had some signs of hope from him even when he was moving out etc. Those times seem to be gone. He is now treating me as a polite stranger. I knew that he would probably do this after leaving the last time because he does feel bad about stringing me along, but the lack of anything positive is killing my hope and hope was getting me through my days.<P>We muddled through Christmas, I had the kids on Christmas Eve night with my family and then he came over here on Christmas Day. It was a miserable day of pretending to be happy for the kids. I got presents, but they were from him and the boys. No card, even though that has always been a tradition.<P>Dec. 30 was our anniversary. It finally hit me that morning that not only was I going to be spouseless, but that he had the kids for the day and night. The tears started as they were leaving. I was in the living room literally wailing when H scared me by coming back in the house. He wordlessly hugged me and then left. <P>He had left a card with nice handwritten sentiments, but carefully devoid of any hope. He called me a wonderful woman because I had given him such thoughtful Christmas gifts and a card even at a time like this. He also said "It is so sad and painful to have let our relationship come to this point that I can barely stand it." He went on to acknowledge that we had many happy memories and then signed it "Happy Anniversary, Love Dan." I had baked him a pie and given him a card with the sentiments of we have had a lot of good times and I dream of building more happy memories.<P>Later that day, he called to invite me to dinner with he and the kids. I went and even wore some makeup (I have always been pretty incompetent at putting the stuff on and at least to myself look like an 8 year old let loose in mommy's cosmetics). We had a nice dinner and then I went to a movie alone -- felt a little pitiful, but better than crying at home alone. When I got home there was a message from him and the kids and he told me I looked very pretty at dinner and that it looked like I was all made up so I guess he noticed.<P>On New Years Day, he invited me to play tennis with the kids and him and then later we all went to a movie. It's been pretty downhill since then.<P>I feel like I am walking an emotional tightrope and the least puff of breeze blows me off. When he brought the kids home last Wed. night, a furniture store called here for him for literally the 15th time since he moved out to arrange delivery. I have relayed all these messages to him with a tone of voice that clearly indicated I was not thrilled to get those calls here. After the kids went to bed, I told him I would appreciate never getting those calls again and then I burst into tears.<P>He then stood silently and watched me cry. I found this unnerving and said so and he said he hated to leave with me crying. That kind of set me off a little because it seemed it only bothered him because he felt guilty, not because of concern for me. I ended up opening my big mouth and telling him I would survive, but how did he expect me ever to get over this and be happy when he had never given me a second chance and had blamed all our troubles on me. He has indicated before that he was frustrated that I would never consider the possibility that we should not be together. I responded to that by saying that even if I put my moral and religious beliefs aside and my concerns for the kids, I didn't believe he could be happy in another relationship that was founded on the ruins of this marriage. I also told him that although it sounded arrogant, I thought I was in a better position to meet all his ENs than the OW. He was interested in that and asked why and I told him that I thought I was always pretty good at meeting some of them and what I have learned in this last year made me believe I could be great at meeting the others too. <P>He then shared why he left before Christmas. He said that he didn't think he was good enough for me. I was totally shocked by this statement. I asked questions, but I am still not sure if he means that I make him feel like he is not good enough, or if he feels on his own that he is not good enough. He did say that he had gotten some of that feeling from me in the last couple of months, probably those times when he was out of the fog where I was finally able to share some of my feelings and disappointments. But he also said that he had showed such mistakes in judgment and that I had every reason to believe he wasn't good enough. I immediately hugged him and tried to make clear that we had both made mistakes, but that wasn't who we were -- they were just the actions. I told him I clearly separated the actions from the person and I thought he was a great person that had made some mistakes, like I had. I told him there was no way I would have tried so hard this last year if I didn't think he was good enough and he said he knew that with his head, but didn't feel it. I think there is some chance that all the plan A stuff, you know, loving them and meeting their needs even when they are not doing the same may have been making him feel bad about himself.<P>I have been trying hard to process that conversation, but can't really can't decide what it means. The cynical side of me says he has found a new place to hide from my efforts for him to work on our marriage. Part of me thinks that there is some chance that he doesn't feel like he and/or maybe God can forgive him so he is running away. Part of me thinks that he feels like I will never get over this and he'll never be able to or want to really make it up to me. <P>His best friend was supposed to come to town yesterday and we were all going to have dinner here. They ended up crossing signals and his friend didn't come. I did get a call from his wife who called to tell me that her H had just gotten done talking to my H and she wanted me to know that they still wanted to be friends with me even though I had filed for divorce. News to me. (H served me with divorce papers last Aug. -- 2 days before our family vacation, but not much has happened with it since then.) It also came as a surprise to her that I still loved H and wanted desperately to keep the marriage intact. Apparently my H left a few details out. He also did not mention OW. (He has not come clean with his family on this either even though they have directly asked him.)<P>Last night before H left we were discussing the schedule this week for the kids. I really hate doing that, especially at night because after he has been here I have to watch him leave us and it makes the hurt so fresh every time I watch him walk out the door again. I also have a hard time calmly discussing "sharing" the kids with him when I think it is so aweful what this is doing and will do to them. I ended up telling him no to something he wanted to do with the kids and he used this as another example of how I control everything and don't even discuss it with him. It seems a little unfair to me to act like a saint for the most part of a year and then have him accuse me of this at this point, but I guess he needs to keep rationalizing his actions. I did later in the conversation apologize for my lecturing tone of voice and told him it was from strong emotions and trying not to cry etc. He said that was another reason he left. <P>So it appeared I LBed enough last night to give him a lot of fuel for his continued fog. After calmly thinking about it more, I did call back and agree to what he wanted to do as long as some other things would happen the next week. I told him that this was very tough for me to try to make these decisions balancing my love for him and what I think is good for the kids. He told me he knew that I was just trying to get through it.<P>Three different people told me yesterday in 3 different ways that I need to step back and put this in God's hands and stop worrying about how my every move affects him. If he is ever to change his mind, it probably won't be because of something I say or do at this point. (In fact, he seems capable of taking anything I say or do and turning it into a rationalization for his actions.) As a controller that is very hard advice to take. And it still doesn't give me a roadmap for how I am to deal with him on a daily basis. <P>Therein lies my confusion. I don't know how to treat him. I fully expect to hear from my attorney this week that H has put the divorce back on the front burner. I feel like I will need to pull back at that point to try to develop some emotional stability for me and the kids. I do feel like I want to send my H a note apologizing for my out-of-control emotions lately and addressing whether I think he is good enough for me to at least be on record. If I pull back or plan B or whatever, I want to make sure I have left a good last impression and left the door open.<P>I'm sorry about the length of this post. I guess that is a downside about keeping everything locked up inside for the last few weeks. Any advice that someone has would be greatly appreciated even if it is to only tell me I screwed up or have been an idiot.

Exhausted,<P>Glad to see an update. Sorry that this is so painful for you. I only have a second, cause I just got to work. But you have not screwed up, and are not an idiot. Your H is still in the fog. Don't give up. He does and says some things that are nice, even though this is tearing you apart inside.<P>Hang in there. You have come a long way, but it could be a long journey yet, as you know. We all care and are here for you.<P>

Exhausted - you are not an idiot, so stop that talk or I'll take you snowboarding! My real advice is to keep your chin up and continue to come to us for support and don't give up. I know it's hard to do, but try to distract yourself - you cannot respond to every current in the river. No one can keep up with all the wacky stuff that comes out of the fog. Stand tall, know that you're right and on the moral high ground, and try to let go of your controlling instincts.<P>Good luck and we're here for you!<P>WAT

Exhausted,<BR>I was in your shoes a year ago...well, and the year before too, because both years my H reconciled for the holidays, then left right around New Years.<P>But last year his reason for leaving sounded a lot like your H's, that he wasn't, wouldn't ever be good enough for me. Which was how he felt, but not the truth--I don't know how he could have shoved me up on that pedestal . I'm off it now, to be sure.<P>You have choices:<BR>1) continue on as you are, Plan A, accepting his invitations, being a family when he allows it. But you sound like the powerlessness of that is breaking you. And Plan A often does make the WS feel guilt, it is a sign of it working, but it can also make the WS feel angry & manipulated and edge them if they are not already, toward LBing, which will put a bigger drain on your already draining lovebank.<P>or<P>2) start setting loving boundaries, you can still Plan A, but you aren't his best friend or lover. He has to arrange those furniture calls without you--tell him so, and not just in your tone of voice, tell him clearly that when people call for him you will at the most give them the forwarding number he provides or his business number, if he won't provide one, he doesn't get the messages. My H got a cell phone at that point. You aren't his answering & forwarding service. You can collect his mail, but you aren't responsible to see that he gets it if he chooses not to have his mail forwarded. He set this mess up by leaving you, let him deal with the details. Decide if it is in your best interests to go along on his visitation times with the kids.<P>or<BR>3) Adding to #2, act "as if" you are already divorced. Not only are you not his best friend, you don't necessarily indulge in any daily talk except as regarding the kids: a polite co-parent. No more crying in front of him, you aren't desperately wondering what his day was like, your days are pretty busy as well. Set regular visitation, rules for him not dropping by without calling first, he's not in your home unless you or the kids are there and it is pre-arranged. You don't accompany him when he has visitation--he has to learn what having the kids on his own is like. He isn't your #1 priority any more, the kids are. You are the stable parent--and you aren't your H's parent.<P>4) Plan B, no contact.<P>I personally never had much luck with Plan B, with the kids, but I did #2 + 3 the last time he moved out at the recommendation of my counselor. If your H is acting like a polite stranger, let him interact with you being polite stranger as well. You can tell him you love him, but since he has chosen this path, you will be protecting yourself against further hurt. You aren't his counselor, either--the "I'm not good enough for you." You've already told him with Plan A that you want him in your life, let him go awhile without reassurance...you have.<P>My H & I have been together since May 00. Jan- May, our 7th separation (14 months out of 21) was very difficult and I did not think we would get back together. For a time, I didn't even want to. My H wanted to come home by Feb...I said no, because what has changed? I don't want to live with you half way out the door. During that time he became very sure that our marriage and family was indeed what he wanted...and then he had to persuade me it would work. He proved it by being the one to work on the marriage.<P>I know it doesn't work this way for everyone, but we got a long way down the path to marriage dissolution and it is all turning around. There's hope for you as well, especially if he's still signing his cards with "love" and wanting you to accompany him. It seems contradictory to say no to the things you want, but if you've done a good Plan A, he doesn't know what it is really like without you, even when separated, he's not having any consequences. And I think the tendency in Plan A to protect the WS from natural consequences is misplaced. I mean, he's telling friends that *you* filed for D? Hmmm, he doesn't want people to know he's the one, but it's ok if they think it is you? I know...fog...but there are ways to let the reality/sun shine in...and you did it in letting the friends know your side.<P>Best wishes <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Just here for a min., got get the boys up for school & to catch the bus.<P>First you are not idiot, he is!<P>2nd, I like what Lor said.<P>Be back latter this morning. Hang in there.<P>Go over to recovery & Sobelle threads from this yr. There is a reply from ohmy___marie, that I really like.

Exhausted,<P> From what I've gathered out of your post it sounds like he's responding some to your Plan A. Seems to me that his justification that he is "Bad for you" is nothing more than not being able to admit he was wrong. How can he possibley say "you are perfect" after all he did to you... Possible the guilt drove him out during his short time home. This has been a major fumbling point for my Ws. Just can't seem to admit their wrong because that would mean a whole lot of guilt for them. I think you're doing great... I know it's hard to believe it sometimes the way they bounce but they're not thinking clearly. I hope it begins to make a turn for you soon. Have you talked to the Harleys? If not it certainly would help.... Take care... Crick

Exhausted-<BR>I also have a really hard time just letting him go. I want this fixed so badly & I want him back, but one thing I've realized in the last few days is I just have to let it go, I've tried so hard to control this whole thing since our problems started and I think now all I did was just push him away farther.<P>I just have to let it go & let it play out. I tell him I love him & I miss him when we talk, but I'm no longer trying to "make him see". It's so hard, but I know my controlling was a LB with him. I don't really know how I'm doing it other than praying because it's something about me I want to change anyhow. <P>Good luck & hang in there.

Exhausted this card is for you.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.heartlight.org/gallery/psalm46_1-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.heartlight.org/gallery/psalm46_1-2.html</A> <P>Now here is what I liked that ohmy__marie sent to sobelle over on recovery.<P>LIVE YOUR LIFE. If you honestly think you'll find happiness without your H, then cut yourself free. <BR>If on the other hand, you feel you can still BENEFIT from this marriage, then TAKE from it what you can at this point and JUST DO IT. <BR>Find a motivator. It can be anything...a song, an outfit, a picture. FOCUS on something else. PUT IT ON YOUR MIRROR. PASTE IT ON THE DASHBOARD OF YOUR CAR. <BR>BUT, IT MUST BE SOMETHING THAT MAKES YOU HAPPy<BR>Every time you want to cry, FOCUS. Move your mind from the negative TO THE POSITIVE. <BR>CHOOSE TO LIVE--with or without him. <BR>The key is not trying to make him happy with the marriage. The key isn't even trying to make yourself happy with the marriage. <BR>THE KEY IS MAKING YOURSELF HAPPY. PERIOD. <BR>WORK ON YOU. FORGET ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE. FORGET ABOUT YOUR MAN. <BR>TAKE FOR YOURSELF. BE THERE FOR YOU. <BR>Now go find that special song, picture, quote---find your own personal MOTIVATOR. AND FOCUS. <BR>Peace, ~Marie<BR>-------------------------- <BR>"If you think you're too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room." ~Anita Koddick<P>I really liked this alot, & helped me focus on what I need to do, which is make me happy, & not worry what makes my WH happy. <P>I had written/rambled alot more but the computer ate it. will do later but i have to get to the market, looks as if it will rain, then I will never get a taxi home, oh, the joys of international life.<P>gigi,<P>ps. i really like Lor's thoughts. Have a good night. You are strong. You can do it. Remember it is his lost, not yours!

Thank you all so much for having the patience to read my lengthy post and reply. I have said it before, but it has struck me again, why in the world are you all BSs! You are all such thoughtful, and caring people that it is hard to believe any fog is thick enough for your WS not to see it.<P>Dave and Rick, <BR>Thanks for the assurances that I'm not an idiot and the encouragement. As for snowboarding, I should tell you I sprained my thumb on the bunny hill on my first ski outing and then later that same day I ended up jumping off the chair lift -- I was riding it myself and no one had ever told me it didn't stop at the top to let you off (I had only been on one in the summer in the mountains and they stopped). When it turned the corner and I realized it wasn't going to stop, I jumped and then couldn't stop myself from going down an expert hill with moguls. Needless to say, skiing did not become a major hobby!<P>Lor, <BR>I have now read your reply so many times that I have parts of it memorized. It was so well-stated and to the point I'm at. Do you think that it was going to the "acting just as if divorced" state that helped your H see the light? Do you think you could have reached that point sooner and if so, how would you have bolstered your strength and courage to do it? I'm thinking of a letter, not necessarily a Plan B letter, but a letter to let him know that I still love him, think he is a good person, and would be willing to still fix our marriage, but that I have to pull back at this point to protect my emotional stability. Or, do you think I should just pull back without saying anything? In his current state, he would probably only be relieved if I pulled back. In any event, your advice has been well received and in line with what everyone close to me seems to be saying. I pray to God I will have the strength and self control to take the advice!<P>Sing, I love your replies! The card made me cry. Why does it seem so hard to believe in God's promises sometimes? I always put it down to my controlling nature. I so need to feel like I have some control over the situation that I have a hard time leaving it it God's infinitely capable hands. Please pray about that for me. BTW, I love your references to life in Singapore. I have been so homebound for the last 6 years that I crave contact with the broader world and Singapore is definitely that!<P>Crick, <BR>I too am suspicious that his comment about not being good enough was another way to hide from the main issue of what he has done wrong. It also pretty effectively disarms me: if I'm too nice it adds to his guilt and if I'm not nice, it is easier for him to justify what he is doing. I wouldn't be so worried about the time it might take him to come out of the fog if I didn't think he was going to push ahead on the divorce.<P>Bitsy, <BR>I am impressed that you are giving up the need to try and control the situation. I know from experience how hard it is to do that. I have actually made great progress on that point in the last year. I ask myself before every decision whether it really matters to me and that helps me give it up. I have learned that giving up the need to control every decision has actually been liberating. If you're not in control of a situation, you are also not responsible for the outcome. I still have a problem though when it comes to kid issues. I feel the need to protect them (they are 6, 4, and 2 years old) and it causes me to be more controlling than I should.<P>Thank you all once again for your thoughtful replies!

Exhausted<P>thankyou for posting. i was worried about you. it is very late here and I am too tired to read and think at length but a quick scan suggests to me that you are seeing some signs ofprogress. I see lots of good advice here so hang in there. I will be back to you tomorrow.<P>hugs<P>R

Exhausted,<BR>Even though I failed at Plan B, I did use the letter. My H was never in doubt before my "as if" that I loved him. At the point of "as if", I too was exhausted and no longer sure if I did love him. I know now that I still did, I was just walled up pretty tight because I did not want to be hurt any more. Those walls have been tough to bring down--still working on that.<P>I was in almost daily contact with my H even as we were separated & I was acting "as if divorced" so we talked about the boundaries I was setting, because he was testing them. I also served divorce papers, so I wasn't fooling around, in my mind the marriage was over for me, I mean, when my H had left me 7 times why would I continue to expect the marriage to work...? I'm not advocating you initiate a divorce you don't want...at that point I wanted it, it wasn't a bluff.<P>I believe at that point my H finally realized he was in the process of having lost me, and the OW was out of the picture, about 2 years had passed, fog was lifting. I can't really guess what might have happened if I had gotten to this point earlier. There were points at which he planned to file for divorce and if I had been for it, we could have been divorced....<P>I think there's a part of Plan A where the BS thinks they should roll over and play dead, Plan A isn't really about being a doormat. Setting boundaries, natural consequences can be loving behavior, like you do with your children. <BR>

Exhausted,<P>How are you now? Still down or more just there? How are your boys?<P>Glad you liked the card, I have it as my wallpaper on my computer. I love having reminders to H of his once deep relationship with God, I will probably change it in a few days with another one that touches me or hits the situation.<P>I really liked Lor's advice to you. I almost went to Plan B at the beginning of 2000. Wish I had but I believed he meant what he said at the time, I would say I wished I gone to it in May but we made the decision to come to Singapore, I can't regret this because otherwise I would always wonder what had happened. Guess what I am trying to say, there comes a time when you have to do what is best for you, you will know that time.<P>This week I have come to feel at peace. I am happy (don't think it is just because school finally started). My H is still the coldest thing in Singapore. Last week he acted like he is in withdrawal, now he seems not to be in such a daze but he is very cold to me. I am at peace, I am going to make me happy, & if he notices fine, if not it is his lost. <P>Need to get going, without a car you have to plan your trips carefully. Looks like rain, getting taxis in the rain is awful.

Dear Sing,<P>Thanks so much for checking up on me. Today was my OS's 6th birthday so I was busy with party stuff all day. I think he had a really good day. <P>My H was here for the immediate family party tonight. These situations keep bringing up the question for me of where the line is between what is good for my kids and what is too much for me to handle. I know that my OS had a better birthday with us all together, but it is hellish for me to be treated with polite indifference at best by H and for the most part just ignored. Not only that, but the d*** furniture store called again tonight and I had to leave the room to compose myself. H later apologized, but the damage was done to my night. <P>I'm just getting sick of acting happy for my boys' sake. I don't have to act so much when H isn't around. Are you able to thoroughly enjoy your boys, Sing? Any advice for me?<P>I'm working hard at giving up even the thought that I have some control over the situation. I have been praying a lot about it. I'm hoping that when I am able to stop worrying about every little detail, I'll find a little peace and focus on myself better. <P>I hope you got your taxi. I'm thrilled for you that you are feeling at peace and happier.<P>P.S. OS got a lot of LEGOs for his birthday so I'll be busy. I actually like putting them together with him. I find it theraputic!

Glad your son's bday was good. I know what you mean you get tired of playing happy family for the kids, think my DWH does too. My YS (9 in March) is totally oblivious to anything, I think. He knows we don't sleep in the same room but otherwise...we don't fight; we are very polite. <P>My DWH is the coldest thing in Singapore, he & the polar bear at the zoo would make good buddies, he would most likely lower the temp at Snow City (this indoor snow place, where you can sled or practice skiing). <P>Does your H still come & go from your house whenever he wants? Or does just now come & get the boys for his time? We never did that when I was getting ready to set boundaries, my H said he was moving home, & he travels so much.<P>I had really long vent added on here but don't think it made in sense. My DWH is leaving tonight on a 10-day trip to Japan, US, & the Middle East. Yes, that is right the states, where even if it is business he will see OW. I am boiling. <P>Need to go shopping OS is leaving next wk for his interim trip to islands in Malaysia, very primitive, of course he was given the list in DEC., but I never saw, DWH got it last night at the parents meeting where the head teacher, showed up drunk, well DWH thought he was. More so after I mentioned OS doesn't think much of him, as he & some friends saw the teacher stumble out of the bar at the American club during break.<P>Gigi,<P>Ps. Legos how are they coming, I need to put batteries in the digital camera, take pictures of the wall to wall Legos in YS room, you could show your son LEGO Heaven. YS wants a LEGO party for birthday in March, he truly believes you can't ever have enough. <P>I am rambling I am going to stop<BR>

Been where your at!!!!!<BR>Even right down to the phone calls about the furniture..<BR>I spent most of my energy also, "trying to make him see".. It didn't do any good.<BR>I know how it feels when you are treated like a polite stranger. It hurts so badly, that you lash out with tears or anger.<BR>This makes them withdrawal even more. <BR>All of the responses make sense. Its hard to<BR>imagine letting go and living your own life.<BR>Its hard to NOT wonder what they are doing every minute of the day or what he has told everyone else about the breakup. My H was pretty honest as far as I can tell, but I still felt like everyone was looking at me and wondering what I did to make him leave etc.<BR>Please know that your not alone in this "madness", and it does calm down. YOU<BR>have to take control of YOU. Thats all you can do.<BR>With prayers.<BR>Jessica

Hi Exhausted:<P>Having been at this a long time (even longer then Lora) I finally came to realize that a lot of the effort I expended on trying to change my WS or reason with him was entirely wasted. He could always come up with something to counter any argument I had or find some reason why it was useless to try to get back together. And each time it was different...he was always changing. And what was the final result...nardo...zip...except for the wear and tear on me. <P>And you know what...acting "as if" and "setting boundaries" has had more effect then any argument I ever made. Letting go was hard for me because I've always been a take control type person...but it was the only thing that has worked....even a little bit. <P>As for the "polite" treatment (I call it being part of the wallpaper) it is hard...but I think it is not always a deliberate thing on WS's part...it's just easier to be polite then to deal with you on any other level (this is easy for my WS since he's about as deep as an onion skin). It's something you just have to try to ignore and not take it too personally.<BR> <BR>Finally, it's not over just because he thinks it is....my WS always says that he is just going with the flow...and everytime he decides what his game plan is...someone changes the rules. So stick in there...the game's not over.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<p>[This message has been edited by buffy (edited January 11, 2001).]

Thought you & I both could use the following.<P>His Mercy, by Brent Nidiffer and Jamie Shell<P><BR>There is an old poem that tells the story of a woman who was walking<BR>through a meadow. As she strolled along meditating on nature, she came<BR>upon a field of golden pumpkins. In the corner of the field stood a<BR>majestic oak tree.<P>The woman, weary, sat down under the oak and began to muse about the<BR>strange twists in nature. Tiny acorns hung on huge branches and huge<BR>pumpkins sat on tiny vines. She thought, "God blundered with creation!<BR>He should have put the small acorns on the tiny vines and the large<BR>pumpkins on the huge branches."<P>Resting beneath the tree, she drifted off to sleep.<BR>She was awakened by a tiny acorn bouncing off her nose. Chuckling to<BR>herself, she amended her previous thought, "Just goes to show that God<BR>knew best all along!"<P>As we really get into a new year with all of its opportunities and<BR>challenges, we must remember that even though things may look strange<BR>to our thinking, God knows what He is doing. We must trust Him to<BR>provide for our needs this coming year and do what is best for us and<BR>His people. We can respond as the Psalmist, "I am like a large olive<BR>tree in God's house. I trust in the mercy of God forever and ever"<BR>(Psalm 52:8 GWT).<P>As all the glitz and glitter wear off the New Year's celebration and<BR>the real work of living life fresh and new each day sets in, let's<BR>plant ourselves in the middle of God's house and trust in His mercy to<BR>guide and sustain us each step of the way!<BR>

Dear Sing,<P>I don't know if you'll ever know how much your comments help me. You seem to always speak to me where I'm at. I'm printing out the poem now and I'm going to make copies and then keep one with me and tape another in the car and one on the mirror.<P>I am the woman in the poem. I'm always trying to figure out how things could be better, even how drive thrus at Mcdonald's could be run better etc. I sometimes think that God lets me get into these situations so that I will again realize that I'm not really in control of anything and that I must trust in the Lord for all things. <P>We went through almost 6 years of infertility and 3 miscarriages before having our first child. You'd think I would remember that God's clock and plan are for Him to know and for us to trust!<P>I am alone again tonight, but the kids will be back for the weekend tomorrow morning. I am able to stay in the house a little now when they are gone, but I saved some errands to do tonight. It helps to get out. The quiet is unnerving! <P>I love your attitude going into the New Year and I too will work hard to be that tree in God's house!<P>

Exhausted,<P>I'm not sure if this would work for you, but it sounds as though implementing Plan B for a while, even though your H has served you for divorce, might protect your well-being.<P>Plan B did work for me. It worked so well that my H was back in the house within, oh, I believe, two weeks. H is also a borderline personality, so him not calling and not trying to contact me drove him CRAZY. Whenever he called, I simply told him that I would not speak with him and hung up.<P>In my Plan B letter, I told him that the reason we must not contact each other was because it hurt me too much, and that until he made up his mind one way or another, I could not be there for him part time. It had to be all or nothing. I was never rude or unkind.<P>Sometimes the reality has to set in with a WS before they come out of the fog. Knowing that the BS is still available to them at their request facilitates the EMR, IMHO. Sometimes it is necessary to calmly and gently draw that line in the sand.<P>I just don't want to see him hurt you, Exhausted. It seems as though you suffer too much when in his company.<P>belld

Exhausted,<P>Glad that you get the kids back tomorrow. I got mine today till next Wednesday. We have a bit of a funny schedule. I have a weird phenomena that occurs...when they are not here, I don't do anything around the house...no laundry or cleaning. It just seems like the house isn't operating, like a shutdown plant. Then when they are back, I do it all when they are asleep. I guess I feel more at home when they are here safe and sound in their beds, all comfy, so I can do things. Somewhat silly I guess. I tend to stay out or work a bit when I don't have them. I have some good friends in the neighborhood that I visit sometimes. Sorry to force a novel upon you....just felt like telling someone about my weird phenomena, and it somehow seemed to fit into your post that I was reading.<P>This Wednesday when my wife got my daughter (son was in school), my D was screaming that she didn't want to go with mommy, and was holding her arms out to try and grab me, as I had to shut the car door and watch them drive away. Reminded me of the time your child was hanging on you at church and screaming for you not to leave. It just eats at your heart doesn't it.<P>Hope you are doing OK. Get those errands done!