Hi all, this is my first post to this site. First off i have been married for 17 years and my wife and i dated for almost 2 years prior to getting married, so we have been together for 19 years now. My wife is a very beutiful woman and has fulfilled all of my emotional and sexual needs throughout our relationship. <BR> I have cheated on my wife 4 times in our marriage. They have all occured when i was away from the home on work commitments. 3 of these cheats were limited to me receiving oral sex only, and 1 involved intercourse, although i only penetrated 3-5 times. these cheats occured 11 years ago, 5 years ago, and 2 cheats 3 years ago (2 of them within 1 week) The last 2 involved a close relative of my wife. I always regretted doing this but was scvared to death to tell my wife for fear of my life, marriage, family embarrasment etc. Recently we have become christians, and i really felt dead inside spiritually. I prayed and prayed about this and i really felt that i needed to tell her, but i was really scared. We got into an arguement and i blurted out "Do you really want the truth" and that led to me telling the truth about it all. I beleive god prepared her for it because she took it rather well, no violence, no packing of the bags etc. I didn't work for 9 days as we talked and worked it out. I felt that we had resolved the problem and were making progress although i realize 9 days does not take care of the problem, but i felt we were on the right path. Recently everything has blown up, accusations, anger, bitterness claims of not loving etc. She constsantly makes deragotry statements about cheating around friends and the kids friends (teenagers). I have taken a different assignment at work so i can be home everyday, but i drive 1:15 minutes to work 1 way each day and work about 12 hours a day. Everyday lately i have woken up to screaming and yelling, accusations about cheating,demands of me to not go to work, that she has been living a lie for 11 years (since the 1st cheat). <P>Well thats my story and my question is how long will this last and what can i do other than listen and love her. all of my faults through 20 years are brought up (there are many) there is no alchol or drug problem in our life. I know this is harder for her than me but the situation is almost unbearable.

Hi, norfolkso and welcome.<P>First of all, my name is Lori and my husband Robert and I are recovering nicely after his affair (he left and moved in with her for a number of months). We've been back together again about a year now.<P>From that perspective, I'll offer you some suggestions, ok? I'm very proud of you for "coming clean" to your wife...your marriage was not a real marriage without that honesty. And now, you do have work to be done. I didn't react with Robert as your wife did, our personalities and our situations are different. But I can pretty much bet I can understand her pain. And I also bet that you cannot.<P>She needs to heal, in her own time, her own way. The pain is more than I could ever describe to you.<P>This can pass.....it did for us. I rarely ever think of the affair anymore and Robert and I have a more wonderful marriage than we ever have, but.....you cannot decide the time frame or what she needs. It's different for all of us.<P>So, like you said, give it time and love her. Also, show your feelings about what you did. Let her know you know you made wrong decisions. Sit her down. Acknowledge to her that you cannot feel her pain and that you'd give anything in the world not to have been the cause of and and even more to ease it in her heart. ASK HER WHAT SHE NEEDS FROM YOU. Gently, kindly, with love and patience, ask her what you can do. Tell her to tell you whenever you can do or say something to make it better. Assure her of your love and fidelity.<P>And wait. Patiently. It will take time. This is so much more than just sex with another woman. This has taken the past she believed in and destroyed it. This has taken the marriage she believed she had in the present and destroyed it as well. This has broken her dreams of the future. Trust me. Everything and everyone she has ever trusted and believed in now sits in a pack of lies and she doesn't know how to handle it. She will...in time. These acts have not only destroyed her faith in you, in vows, in honesty, in marriage, but in herself. She doubts it all. It will ease, you can help. Ask her to guide you.<P>Some things she asks may be extraordinary. Do them anyway. Some seem silly to you. Do them. Some may make you feel trapped. It's ok. It will pass. But what she needs now, you need to give her.<P>There is light at the end of the tunnel. And love, and trust. At least it was for us. But it takes time and effort. Let her grieve for the marriage that she has lost. Only then can she help you build the new one.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Norfolkso,<BR>You did the right thing in telling her. But even though it is right, it is not easy.<P>Her entire life probably seems unreal at this point. She wonders about every day, every word you have said to her, every touch. Lying and infidelity go hand in hand, but at first to the betrayed spouse, each lie is a betrayal of its own.<P>Your faith can be a tremendous help to both of you. And I would urge you to go to a counselor--a pastor or Christian counselor, or one of the Harleys who phone counsel from this MB site. <P>Your wife needs help in getting through her feelings of betrayal...and she's right on target and very normal with her reactions...the tangled emotions of disbelief, numbness, sadness, grief, anger. She will likely need someone to help her with forgiveness, as Christians we forgive as we have been forgiven. But, it is not your role to push for forgiveness. Forgiveness is a decision, an act, and sometimes an ongoing process as the betrayed copes with the details.<P>No one can tell you how long it will take. Some of the infidelity literature says recovery takes as long as the affair(s) lasted...not good news for you. The first 6 months tend to be very tough for the betrayed spouse, but it's individual, some people cope sooner and better, some people take a long, long time to recover.<P>But your job at this point is *fidelity*, love, patience, reassurance, time, accountability, honesty...repeat for a lifetime.<P>Is she interested in coming to this site? She would receive a lot of support, as will you. Under forums, there is a group called the Women's Bible Study, and it is a wonderful group of praying women. If not the forums, will she read? <P>SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley<BR>TORN ASUNDER by Carder (Christian)<BR>AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs<P>Any or all of these will help her understand both herself, you and what has happened and is happening in your marriage.<P>And, as someone who has been both betrayed & betrayer, I would say it *is* more painful at the discovery point to be the betrayed. <P>Couples do get through this. <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hello,<BR>My sister is going through somthing similar<BR>to this.And as a family member that has had to help them deal with these things.I would like to say they two had been in the same boat that you are in. By any means I am not saying that i'm some marriage counslor . I am saying that trying to help them through these problems have made my marriage stonger and makes my love for my h more greater than ever! It truly has to be the hardest thing that u ever had to say to your W but, im sure that you also know that this is not gonna get better over night, expecting her to just move on and be the wife that you have always had sorry ,this is the hardest thing that she had to hear and be forced to deal with.i have a simple question for you,are you expecting this to happen over night for your benefit or hers? its gonna take more effort on your part other than just coming clean and being honest about what you did.Can you truly say that it is fair for her to just accept this tragedy and move on as the same happy marriage that you once had b4 this all happened? According to what you said about her..... i dont think so! if she fullfilled all you EN'S and SN, what would your reasoning be for doing it?How could she possibly make the marriage any better if she has been the kind of wife that has fullfilled your needs.<BR>When your were talking about the penetration part it gave me the feeling that you were proud ofit.I know what i have been through as far as a family member of having to deal with this great loss for love between two people that I care about. It is very devistating for the extended family as well.I dont know how else to put this to u but i think that you need not worry about how soon this will end for you, but be more concerned about your Wifes feelings and take to heart her feelings and let your wife greeve for her loss.You need to understand that she is hurting over love that she thought she once had,and now is gone. If it seems that i am taking her side it is only because most WS'S do not not understand how deeply there actions affect the unsuspecting spouse .Just had to put my two cents in to this ! Thank you,<BR>So Special<BR>