Hello, <BR> All <P>I have been married to my husband for 1 year and 4 mons. I really love him and we have been separated for 5 months. We would always argue about little things and they would always end up with my husband leaving to stay w/ his mother. We are both young I'm 26 and he's 24 we dated for 3 years before marrying and were friends for seven years. When he's with me he treats me good but when we're not together he just does and threats me however. My problem is that we have been back and forth about a divorce but neither one of us actually will go through with it. I don't want a divorce and my husband knows this. Sometimes he acts like we're dating we'll go out and have a great time and he leaves and my not even call me the next day. I ask him does he really want a divorce or what but he never gives me a real answer. He acts and treats me like he still loves me but he won't tell me if he wants me as a wife again. I don't ever know what to do, if I keep letting him come around I feel like he will never decide because he acts satified with how we are. I just don't know what to do, we have a three year old and he misses his dad terribly but and no matter what I do or say he just won't give me a straight up answer and I tired of him going back and forth. I don't know if I should just go ahead with the divorce or not. He says he loves me but I don't know what to believe anymore. I even tried giving him a dead line but he always he doesn't know. I just don't understad what he wants from me.

He's likely having an affair. He is in a state of confusion between you and another woman. I know you probably won't believe it and he'll deny it when questioned. But do some digging and or spy work to satisfy yourself.<BR>

You didn't say where his mother is as regards this issue. Why wouldn't she be encouraging her son to work it out with you? Do you have a good relationship with her?<P>Many counselors believe that after 6 months, something needs to move the situation of of center. If you can afford it, you could initiate divorce proceedings as a partial bluff, with the only criteria for stopping it being his agreement to attend some counseling sessions and to point toward coming back home. <P>It does sound like that he will continue to have his cake and eat it, too, unless you do something somewhat radical to jolt him. If not the divorce proceedings, consider changing the locks on the house. Or set up prescribed visitation, as opposed to the drop-in type. Nothing terrifies a Dad (if he loves his kids) more than restricted access to his kids. In other words, if he is going to live as if you are divorced or separated, perhaps you should act more like it so that he really can consider if that's what he wants to see happen.<P>There is a certain sentiment on this site for maintaining an environment to which a wandering spouse would want to return, as opposed to one that would drive him away. It's called Plan A, whereby your husband would be choosing what he wants to do. However, you have BEEN in Plan A for 5 months (which is about the time they suggest it last) and nothing has changed. Plan B calls for his not living there until/unless he decides to return and work on things. In a way he's put himself into Plan B, but you may need to enforce it more at times.<P>Ivory

Hi,<P> Ivory thanks for your input! His mother and I have a good relationship and as far as I know she told me that she's tried to talk to him but he's grown and is still going to do what he likes. I do feel like I should go alhead with divorce papers even though I don't want to I have to try to make a stand saying I can't take anymore..

Sometimes tough action is all that gets through to someone, me included. What it would do is quickly make the issue take form, rather than his letting it continue to be shapeless. <P>If you do do this, I would advise that you remain as level-headed as you can. Your husband knows that he is in the wrong, trust me. So don't let him try to lay guilt trips on you as if YOU are the party doing the wrong. <P>He may well come at you angrily ("How could you do this?" etc.) claiming that you hadn't talked to him about it, that he thought the two of you were still trying to "work things out" and so on. <P>If you prefer you can send him a note prior to your appointment letting him know that you have it scheduled. Just doing that might do some good, but you'd have to be careful about pleas such as "Can't you put it off and let's talk some more?" I think he would have to offer some specifics before you would agree to cancel the appointment, such as a definite time and place for starting reconciliation talks, etc. Maybe agreement to see a counselor. <P>As always, be very careful if he has in the past shown any anger or rage problems. That changes everything. Before letting him know about divorce proceedings you should be sure of your and your child's safety. I personally think that once divorce proceedings are filed, it's appropriate for the locks to be changed. Again, though, be careful because that can be particularly angering to some men.<P>Ivory

Thanks,<P> Ivory<P>When he moved out I changed the locks so he always calls before he comes over. I just hope this will put an end to all of this because I am ready to either have it over with or start over. Actually I did talk with the lawyer last week and I told him I was going and he sounded mad with me and he was saying fine go ahead and he didn't call me back untill later on and he wanted to know if the lawyer was going to send him the papers. I told him that I was suppose to call her back to give her his information and the he said oh, what are my son and I doning later and I told him we were going bowling and he ended up coming there and bowling with my family and I and we had a good time and he's continued to come by to spend time with me. I asked him again Sunday what did he think and he still says he doesn't know. I think me will be very suprised if I actually go through with it and I don't know what he would.