I have been divorced for 2 months..we had seperated for 6. we were married 8 years we have 2 kids involved ..i had no knowlegde of a plan a or b until i came to this site about 2 months ago..<P> my x had a EA that she has never admitted but i have overwhelming proof..with exception of the first couple of months i have tried to avoid conflict with her and went strait through with the divorce..i never could get her to admitt the affair so i gave up and just started trying to move on..without confrontation and minamal contact with her<BR> here is the twist the om, to which i have not met has found a third person to which he can talk to knowing that what he says will get back to me<P> it is almost like a confession he said that he feels guilty and he feels used..he said that he was seeing her for 1 1/2 yrs while we were still married..he said where that met for the first time after meeting on the computer..that he fell inlove with her..he said that he had been to my house while i was not here..and could describe the inside of my house..he said she made promises to him ..that she would be with him when she got out of school and left me,then it was when the divorce is final, now it is when the kids graduate..and my oldest is 7<BR>he also wanted to know if i would ever take her back..and if i was nice looking..and also if i was a bad guy..<P> i guess i am trying to figure his angle out is he wanting me to confront her about this and push her away does he feel her slipping away. i have not ask her about this yet and don't know if i should ..this is so painfull to me it is almost like he wants me not to forget.. any suggestions i would be greatful or any help in putting this in perspective<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by hurtcowboy (edited January 08, 2001).]

This OM sounds demented. I can't believe that he is calling you and in a way, subtly asking for advice on how to handle your ex-wife.<P>My advice is to hang up on him, if he ever calls again.

hurtcowboy,<P>I wouldn't respond. It sounds like he wants some sort of reaction from you. I wouldn't give one. <BR>If you confronted your ex-w now, what would be the benefit. You need to maintain a good relationship because of the children. Why muddy the waters. If there is a chance that you will get back together, then I would advise on total honesty about any relationships with OP. For now, I would not dignify his comments with an answer and tell, whoever your friend is, that you are not interested in what he has to say.<p>[This message has been edited by cleopatra (edited January 08, 2001).]

hurt,<P>He wants to make sure that you know everything so that there is no way in heck you'd ever take your W back. I got a letter in the mail from my H's XOW that was similar in content - one of those 'fess up letters with way too much information. While I do believe that she was hurting, I also believe that she was trying to get me to nail the coffin shut (didn't happen). <P>This is XOW's way of making sure you know all of the gorey details so that there is no way you'll take your W back. It's a desperation measure, plain and simple, to ensure that he <BR>gets the prize.<P>belld

i truly thankyou for your responses..after having a couple of days for this to soak in ..what u said makes alot of sense..i guess for someone to come out and like he has and say these things he is feeling desperate..i have not said anything to her about this and will not until and if the time is right..<P> i have not even talked to her since i found out about this fearing i would blow up..and that is probably what he wanted..I also think he told her that he told me..just because she has been laying low..<P> this caught me totally off guard i never expected a confession from either one..some one told me yesterday just hang on there could be more to come..in a way i want to know all the facts and in a way i don't..but i think in the long run if i know, i can a t least put a closure on this ..and try to forgive..anyone else out there have anything pop up like this i would love to hear how u handled it..

hurt,<P>The way I handled it? Like an adult dealing with a very hurt, vindictive child. I understood why XOW felt the need to blab to me, as well as why she was doing it. However, I did not get upset, nor did I get angry; in fact, I thanked her for being honest, and told her that I could imagine that it was a very difficult thing for her to do - giving her the benefit of the doubt (obviously undeserved, in retrospect) that she was merely trying to do the right thing and not trying to cause trouble.<P>All you can do in a situation like this is to keep your cool. If you and your W are divorced and what happened was in the past, then perhaps you might mention this to the OM if he ever contacts you again. I know it's tempting not to try and get more information, particularly if you've been in the dark. But believe me, you will find no closure in comparing notes with the OM. You will only find out things that you don't need to hear, and which will only hurt you.<P>belld

I would suggest that you take the information from the OM and just put it on the back burner for now. The pastor that took advantage of my W after we lost a child basically did the same thing with various people in the congregation. He spoke with them to make himself look good and he knew that these individuals would spread the word around. I told my W we would say nothing and would let him hang himself. That was 2-years ago and we are beginning to see the results of not saying anything. The noose is getting tighter around his neck and he is squirming to get out of the hole he dug. I believe if I had taken the things he said and reacted to it, the congregation would have believed him. Now they are seeing him for his ways. I also agree with Belldandy, you are D and it is in the past. Leave it there. God Bless and prayers are with you.<P>Belldandy, if I am correct, you were from DRB. I chose the user name Train Man but I went by DM on DRB. Blessings.

DM,<P>It's good to see you here! Are you on the DRB e-list? If you aren't and would like to keep up with old friends, please let me know. It's relatively active, slow at times, faster paced at others. A nice group from DRB. belldandy112@yahoo.com.<P>I didn't want to sabotage this topic - I wanted to add for you, hurt, that I also feel that the OM's third party confidente is doing you a great disservice by relaying information to you. If this isn't something you want to hear from this party, make your needs known. I do not think that most OP are out to get the betrayed spouse, however, there are a few who really want to twist the knife, and sounds like the OM you're dealing with is one of those. It has nothing to do with the fact that he is an OM - it's just his character as an individual.<P>As hard as it might be, you might want to detach from the third party in order to save yourself additional pain. And to spare yourself from being in a position where you are forced into a reaction or response. In a few years, you might not have your wife; but if you are happy with the way you handled this situation - with detached grace - you will have peace.<P>hugs,<P>belld

I think u r right i am bringing on alot of the pain myself..After i found out I found myself reliving the whole ordeal..<P> but when u refer to this person's character u hit it on the nail head..I think he put her up to alot of things when we were going through this to really hurt me it was like she was a clone of him..but i finnally caught on and did not react to these things it was like he was enjoying it..and actually i think she may have seen what he was doing also..<BR> and now that she has stopped perticipating in the sport of tearing my heart out it is making him second guess about her..I don't know<P> God Bless the fine people in here..