Just talked to him last night-nothing major, just about our weekends, work, the girls, etc. We sort of made semi plans to go ice skating with the kids (no time set up-just that he'd like to). He told me he would call me in a few days & said I can call him too if I need to. So I'm wondering should I? Remember I was pretty smothering to him when we were living together. Is he saying that to see if I'm going to keep on smothering by calling him all the time? Or is he wanting me to call him so he knows I still care?<P>He's said to me before that he realizes that while he's out there searching (for whatever it is he's searching for??) that my feelings for him could change and he thinks that would really suck for him-but he's just lost right now.<P>I also feel like I've got nothing to fight her with . . . he doesn't feel right seeing both of us and I think I've kinda lost this battle (not the war yet though). But how do I compete if I rarely see him? I hate this whole thing so much.<P>My poor girls continue to talk about him and it just breaks my heart-I sometimes want to tell him stuff they say, not to make him feel guilty, just to let him know how much he is loved here & how important he is. Should I or will this just make him feel like I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on him?<P>I guess that was a ton more questions than just should I call him, but once I got started it just all flew out. Thanks-it just helps to even be able to write this stuff out.<P>------------------<BR>"Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

bitsy - My approach has been not to call my wife unless I have a legit reason. This is based on my Plan A with a lot of "space" thrown in. The way I look at it, if you don't call, you're really saying something, but your spouse doesn't know what it is other than you're leading your own life. They don't know exactly what you're up to, and if it makes them worry, good. If you call, all doubt is removed. It's just like one of my favorite Jimmy Buffett tunes, "If the phone don't ring, you'll know it's me."<P>Your feelings for him might change. Let him worry. Once in a while when you have to talk to him, just remind him you're there for him, tell him you love him, but little more unless HE wants to talk about it.<P>Hope you get some other opinions. Good luck.<P>WAT

Hi Bitsy:<P>One mistake we all have made here is to try and ignore the "fog" and proceed if things with our WS are as "usual" (so to speak).<P>Don't forget...nothing is the same....and all actions, reactions and expectations coming from the WS are filtered through that "fog". If your WH has identified what he thinks is a problem (ie. the smothering) pay special attention to that and try hard not to repeat it because he will be keyed to blow it out of proportion if he perceives it is occurring. So call him only when you really need to....let him do the calling if he wants to know how you are. <P>Make no mistake, WS usually know how we feel (that they are loved, etc) but right now they don't care...this other is more important to them. All you can do is work on yourself right now and take care of your kids. <P>The time may come when he will come out of the fog (if only for a moment) and notice those changes. And from then on it's difficult to maintain the fog as deeply as before and it may begin to lessen. <P>Please take it slow...set your expectation low...and be perpared to be there when it's all over...there but different. I know this is hard, but it's the only way. Pressing will just cause him to pull away more.<P>Prayers and Angels ~ Faye