I am really feeling bad today. W and I had a discussion last night and it ended in a row. I can't keep from asking her if she wants to talk. This is driving her away even more I fear. She has this emotional bond with OM which is clouding her ability to talk with me without one of us bringing up the past etc. <P>She seems to be trying to justify or lessen the severity of what she has done by comparing our relationship with what happened to her in the past. I am having a very difficult time understanding this whole thing. She keeps hurting me by saying we aren't a family or a couple but she continues to wear her wedding ring. I wonder if that is for show to the people she doesn't want to know about why we are having problems. I also keep catching her in lies which hurt more than I ever thought they would. She has gotten to the point of hiding anything she can from me and if I question it at all she tells some lie.<P>She went to the counsellor this morning and hasn't called yet. I feel like I don't even want to know how it went because she won't tell me the truth anyway. She seems ready to take the easy road by divorce because she asked me if that's what I wanted. I told her it is not an option and that I cannot quit so easy. I also told her I wouldn't want our son to think that I quit on the marriage. She is very upset with me right now and I don't know what to do next.<P>She is also hurting me more and more each day by not wanting to try. What should I do????

toontown - first, take some comfort that you are not alone. Just based on your brief description, I can tell she's a textbook case and so are you. Most of us on this forum have been or still are in one role or the other.<P>If you haven't already done so, get copies of His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair and study them.<P>You already realize that you shouldn't pressure her to talk about your relationship. It gets nowhere at this point. For the moment, you have to zip your lip, fasten your seatbelt, and hang on. Follow the books and start your Plan A by looking at what you need to do to improve your participation in the relationship. Don't try to change her. Be thankful that she going to a counselor - you're ahead of a lot of us on that.<P>Good Luck and keep asking questions of us, not her.<P>WAT

I know that you have addressed this in the past but I will suggest one more time contacting the OM's wife. I know you stated that you have given your word that you would not and you are a man of integrity. I see this as a war to hold on to your marriage.<BR>You are self bound to a code of contact while your wife and especially the OM are not bound <BR>to any code of contact. How are you supposed to be successful. They are fighting a guerilla war against you while you refuse to fight back. You now state that it looks like your wife is not interested in working on your marriage. Of course not since she can lean on the OM for support. Cut off her supply lines by informing the OM's wife and see what will happen. The OM will cut the relationship and your wife will realize what she may lose with you. I do not mean to be hurtful but you gave your word to a person who has been dishonorable to you. I am afraid that you are so rigid on this matter that you will end up without a marriage because you kept your word to protect the OM. Your wife will never get out of the fog as long as she can feel secure with the OM which you are allowing by not informing his wife. Is it better to protect the OM and lose your wife than change your mind and do everything you can to salvage your marriage. I am afraid that your wife may not be the only one in the fog. I will no longer post. It just seems that you do not deserve this. Good Luck.