Love is a promise delivered already broken. <P>When I first read that line, I was overwhelmed with sadness. The only exception to that is Christ's love of course. Us mere mortals, promise love, we promise to forsake all others, we promise to be true to our spouse, but if that were the case, we wouldn't have a website like this now would we?<P>Two and one half years ago my wife met another man. She made the decision to divorce me emotionally, and chose a path of destruction that would forever change our lives. We still live in the same home. We are cordial to one another. We are friends. We enjoy each other's company. We have created four wonderful children. An outsider looking at us would say we're happy. However, if you could look into our hearts a much different story would be revealed. <P>I have no regrets for what I have done to heal our marriage over the past two years. I have tried to be a new man for her. I have tried to win back love. I have tried to be the kind of man I thought she desired. While we are doing much better, we are not husband and wife. I really don't see our relationship ever healing. We exist together because it's good for the children. <P>I know there are many who think I should do Plan B, but I won't. The only way I would is if I knew she was intimate with another man again. At that point, I wouldn't do a Plan B our marriage would simply be over. I do think it is important for us to stay together for the kids. Through this entire ordeal, they have been shielded from this agony. <P>It is very sad that we can't get through this. It is her choice. I can't make her love me again. I can't make our marriage better on my own. She won't go to counseling. She won't talk about anything 'deep'. She won't end all contact with om. Her heart has been hardened towards me. She cares for me. But she has no physical desire for me. <P>I am facing the fact that some people just don't recover from this. I really question if anyone can totally put this behind them. There will always be that thing between us. There isn't a day that goes by that this whole mess isn't in my head. I wish I could forget. If someone causes a physical trauma to your body like a stab wound, there will always be a scar. Emotional trauma is no different. We're left with a mental scar that is worse than any physical impairment. <P>I'm not giving up hope. I am focusing more of my attention on my children. They at least respond with affection. However, becoming a better Dad does make my wife angry for some reason. I am more involved with their lives and enjoying it. <P>I know this post isn't encouraging to anyone. If anything, I hope those of you who have been betrayed never give up hope. Do your best. Give love abundantly. If you have kids, build on that relationship. Live your life with honor and integrity. <P>The most difficult thing for me is seeing other couples who are happy. The simple act of holding hands, or seeing a woman look at her husband with love in her eyes reminds me of what I lost. The promise of love I was given has already been broken. <P>God bless<P>SHA

SHA, you are in a very tough Plan A. I am so sorry your W isn't responding to your changes. <BR>I wanted to mention this, I was 4 when my parents divorced and I knew this was going to happen. Don't think your children have been shielded, they instinctively know when there are problems. <BR>Mabye someone will have some advise or experience to relate that will help you now. <BR>My thoughts are with you, L

LAD, <P>Please don't feel sorry for me. I have grown into a man that I am very proud to be. Our kids receive love and attention from both their mom and dad on a daily basis. I believe that is far more important than any emotional need my wife can provide me. <P>I do believe our kids have been shielded from this mess. Very early on our oldest thought we may get a divorce. That is no longer an issue that even crosses their mind. <P>I'm not looking for any advice. I simply wanted to share some things I have learned in my journey. <P>My very best to all you marriage BUILDERS!<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited January 09, 2001).]

Children do not necessarily have any idea whatsoever that problems exist. None of our six children, not even the oldest teenagers, had any clue whatsoever. After my H left, one of our kids said over and over that he never thought he would be the child of divorced parents. <P>It is far better for children to be raised by two parents, no matter what their relationship, as long as they are reasonably civil, than it is for their parents to divorce. <P>I just wish I had had the chance to stay married to my H. Even if he had continued the affair, our children would not have had to endure this devastation. And I could not possibly have been more unhappy than I am now.<P>There is almost nothing worse than divorce. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited January 09, 2001).]

SHA,<P>I am sorry to see that your W has not let go of the OM. There is little chance of improvement until she does. You of course know all of this, being the master of Plan A here on this site.<P>I have been logging on here for over a year hoping that someday you would post that finally your W has figured it out.<P>My prayers are with you, your wife and your family. <P>The only thing that I would like to suggest is don't ever give up hope. Don't withdraw into your shell. Continue to be the man you are a giving, loving human being. Your children will notice many things. More than you suspect, but make sure they see you as a man that does love his W and his children.<P>Who knows maybe your oldest child (W) will finally get the message. <P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

SHA,<P> . <P>I am so sorry that you haven't been able to reconnect. We all know you have tried. <P>May I as a question ? Do the men who post here think the male WS's are as insane as we women think the female WS's are ?<P>I am sorry, but seeing wonderful men like you and Chris and so so many others treated so poorly when you have tried so hard makes <BR>me a little crazy. Please don't be angry with me.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

My prayers and best wishes to you too, my old friend. And I have hopes that you may see a "fix" to this love and to your marriage. But the ball's in your wife's court. And the sad thing is that your wife is cheating herself out of a fulfilling marriage.<P>God bless you, SHA.

Sometimes it is so hard to see the purpose of a situation, but God does promise to work all things for the good.<P>To live your life well, with goodness and integrity, in the face of personal hardships speaks volumes to many.<P>God Bless!

SHA,<P>My best wishes to you also. I'm sorry she still doesn't get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sir Hurts Alot:<BR><B>I can't make her love me again. I can't make our marriage better on my own. She won't go to counseling. She won't talk about anything 'deep'. She won't end all contact with om. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi SHAL,<P>I have been thinking about you. You say that she won't end all contact...I know there were emails 6 months or so ago. Has that continued?<P>I don't need to educate you, of course, but Harley says that until NO contact gets entrenched, real healing can't take place. If you were a newbie here, my advice would be that if the contact continues and you feel your love dying, you should Plan B with that as the issue, rather than the intimacy trigger.<P>But....who am I to counsel you? <P>I hope things get better, and your W realizes what she has and opens her heart.<P>Mike<BR>

SHA:<P>Sorry to hear about where you have wound up... I was just doing a search for posts by you the other day. I wish I would have found a better ending.<P>FWIW, you have learned much, not the least of which is how to be the best father you can be. We can't all be on Chris' level but we do have that lesson, at the very least.<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

<B>Nellie1</B><BR>Thank you for confirming my convictions. I am so sorry that your husband was too selfish to realize the devastation that a divorce would do to your family. <P>You are in my prayers. You are a courageous lady, I hope the best for you and your kids.<P>Thank you for posting to me. <P><B>Just Learning</B><BR>My good and wise friend. I hope you are well. My wife is so miserable. I believe she knows what she is doing is wrong. I believe she knows she must let go to heal. But, she is wrapped up in an overpowering addiction. The really sad part is that the om doesn't really give a hoot. <P>Every so often a wave of depression overwhelms me. I long for a loving marriage, a simple compliment or an affectionate peck on the cheek. If I dwell on it, I can really get depressed. I won't give up hope. I have much to be thankful for. There are others in a far more awful situation than I. I don't see things changing anytime soon, but I will continue to pray and hope. I will continue to be a loving man who seeks reconciliation with my wife. <P>I am trying to be an example of a loving husband for my kids. My daughter wants to marry a guy like me - so that's a good sign!<P>Thank you for your encouraging words JL.<P><B>Deb</B><BR>No need to be sorry Deb. I'm doing OK. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>May I as a question ? Do the men who post here think the male WS's are as insane as we women think the female WS's are?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I think so. The common thread we betrayed folks share, beit male or female, is that we are trying to heal a shattered marriage. We are willing to face our short comings, and honor or commitments. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am sorry, but seeing wonderful men like you and Chris and so so many others treated so poorly when you have tried so<BR>hard makes me a little crazy.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>You're not the only one who's a little crazy! Deb the feeling is mutual. I suppose all any of us want is a spouse who is willing to try as hard at marriage as we are. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Please don't be angry with me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How could I be angry at you! <P>Thank you Deb, you're a good lady!<P><B>K</B><BR>What do mean OLD friend?! Thanks Dr. K. I know your struggle has been far greater than mine. I will continue to do my best and HOPE for the best. <P><B>FaithHopeLove</B><BR>Hi FHL! Your close walk with the Lord reminds me so much of the way my wife used to be. Of all the things I miss about my wife, I would have to say I miss her love for the Lord. I know the Holy Spirit is still in her and is still working on her spirit. You know, God never promised us happiness. Unfortunately, we get so caught up in seeking happiness that we miss our real purpose for Him in our life. God is good. And as you said, He does promise to work all things out for good for those who love Him. <P>Thank you FHL. <P><B>schizzo</B><BR>Thank you for the well wishes Schizzo.<P><B>Mike C2</B><BR>Hi Mike! I'm well aware of what Harley says. I know real healing can't occur until all contact is over. I also know that the decision to end all contact isn't up to me. To answer your question, YES there are still emails passing very infrequently. Nothing of real content, but enough that she continues to harbor some type of feeling I suppose. <P>My love isn't dying (it's not growing either). The physical aspect ended some time ago. The emotional part is by far the hardest to break. <P>I don't agree with Harley regarding Plan B when children are involved. If my wife continued on in the physical aspect of the affair in spite of my efforts I probably would change my opinion on that. Things are civil. So I have no intention of going to Plan B. As I stated, if she ever started that part up again with this or another man, I would leave for good, no plan B. I could not go through this again. <P>I know deep in my heart if she ever breaks this bond with the om, that we could have a very loving marriage. But, until then, you just get through each day doing what you believe is the right thing to do. <P>I hope you are well. Thank you for posting to me. <P><B>WhoDat</B><BR>Hey WhoDat! I find it amusing that you were searching for posts by me the other day, because I was doing the same about you! I find your comments very insightful. <P>I don't see my current situation as a bad ending. I believe I'm still in the middle some where. The middle is the hard part don't you know!<P>I am finding that focusing more attention on my kids is a refreshing change. I don't think I could ever get up to Chris' level, but hey, he's only has two kids - I have four. <P>Thanks for dropping me a line! <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited January 09, 2001).]

SHA,<P>In reading this post, I was reminded of a lady who used to post here, LTaylor. I don't know if you remember her. I know you posted to her also. So I went back and found this particular post of hers.<P>I don't know if you will find it inspirational or not, but it does offer the example that it may take years, but sometimes the W's do wake up.<P>Here it is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007281-2.html" TARGET=_blank> LTaylor </A><P>I hope it helps offer you some more strength. As you can tell by the fact that I remembered this post after all of this time that it did strike a cord with me. I hope it does help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

SHA,<P>Thanks for letting us know what is going on with you...<P>I hate that your W refuses to recover her sanity...<P>Keep on keeping on...<P>Love You,<P>Bill

Dear SHA,<P>Like others here, I have followed your posts and hoped and prayed that she would one day very soon "wake up".<P>You were my inspiration from my lurking days...your example of growth and love is one of the reasons that Robert and I are doing so very well today.<P>Your wife is blessed, though she doesn't realize it...and I dare to write "yet". Your children too. As are all of us who have known you here.<P>I still pray for you and wish you happiness. God bless you.<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

<B>SHA</B><P>I just had to reply. It was so good to see your name again on a thread! I am like the others though so sad to see that it isn't going like it ought to, like we all hope it will, and how we know the Lord wants it to be. <P>I have to say that I admire your sense of duty, love and commitment. Like some other wise female (<B>Bozos_ Deb</B>) (Hi Deb! )on this thread said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>May I as a question ? Do the men who post here think the male WS's are as insane as we women think the female WS's are ?<P>I am sorry, but seeing wonderful men like you and Chris and so so many others treated so poorly when you have tried so hard makes <BR>me a little crazy. Please don't be angry with me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have to totally agree with Deb, and can't fathom how these women cannot see the wonderful catches and human beings you guys are?????????? There are so many of us female BS on here that would give a whole bunch to have our husbands be as dedicated as you and many of the other men on this site are.<P>I don't have any answers for you, of course. I can only continue to pray for you, your wife and your family. <P><B>FHL</B> (Hi ya, lady!) is right, we don't know the Rhyme and Reason why God allows things to happen. I do know this deep in my heart though, that if your wife never wakes up and smells the coffee, that I am sure the Lord has a wonderful place in heaven for you. You will be rewarded mightily for your diligence and love.<P>I am so glad you aren't giving up hope or faith. No one knows what will happen in the next second let alone the rest of the future. You are so right, if Mrs. SHA comes around, your marriage will be strong and wonderful.<P>With that said I again can only repeat that I will pray and have faith that the Lord's hands are on this all for you.<P>Oh yeah, one more thing... ( , like I ever shut up?) It was really good to see your name and your posting. You have much wisdom and love in you. You have always been a special blessing to me and many others on this site. Don't be a stranger okay? <P>Much love,<P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><P><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited January 09, 2001).]

SHA<P>You have been an inspiration to me for so long. I was "fairenough" back in the "read only posts" in 1999 during your earlier posts. <P>It is so sad to here your story of late as it seemed for a while that yours was one of the success stories and I guess to a certain extent it still is. There will always be varying degrees of success and there is always the possibility that she will eventually come around. <P>It must seem that so much of your life is being consumed by all this and each day you relive the agony.<P>My W and I have been back together (at her initial request) for 5 months after 8 months separation ). I have been continually Plan Aing and had limited success. My W is intent on divorcing me and moving in with the OM shortly. This has now consumed 2 yrs of our lives.<P>All the following quoted from your post could apply to us also.<P>"It is very sad that we can't get through this. It is her choice. I can't make her love me again. I can't make our marriage better on my own. She won't go to counseling. She won't talk about anything 'deep'. She won't end all contact with om. Her heart has been hardened towards me. She cares for me. But she has no physical desire for me". <P>Kindest<BR>Regards<BR>Colin<P><BR>

SHA,<P>Well, you brought me out of lurkdom. I hated to see your name and read your post. Like so many wonderful people here, you surely deserve more than to say that you and your wife exist together for the sake of the kids.<P>I hate to ask this question, but as a friend who cares, what will you two do once the kids are grown and have left home? Are you both just planning for the "now" and perhaps have not really gotten that far? I am just wondering.....<P>Still wishing the best for the Noble Knight.<P>RMA/Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

SHA,<BR>I was thinking about you and Chris the other day and low and behold there you both have posted.<P>I was hoping that no postings from you ment things were progressing, I am sorry to hear that they are not.<P>It is good that your kids aren't suffering. My kids seem to have made it throught the divorce okay so far(it will be 1 yr on 2-1) but it hasn't been easy. LAtely my son has been uneasy if I go somewhere at nite, so I now try to make it quick if I do go out for some reason.<P>Always remember to keep the kids first.<P>God Bless,<P>Bob

Apologies for the delay in responding, work keeps getting in the way! <P><B>JL</B><BR>Thank you for searching the archives and finding the thread. It is inspirational to me and keeps hope alive. I should probably search for more inspiational posts instead of reading the ones that get me depressed. Thanks again.<P><B>Bill</B><BR>I appreciate the thoughts Bill. <P><B>lostva</B><BR>Hi Lori. It is wonderful to hear that you and Robert are doing well. I'm not holding my breath for things to suddenly get better. I think when you do that, you simply stay in a pit of depression. I do my best each day. I still marvel that some people can get through this and have a better marriage. You and Robert are an example to many. You've done well Lori. <P><B>A blessed Samantha</B><BR>I've thought about what you and Deb have said. I know you can't understand why my wife doesn't respond as she should. I believe she doesn't know any different. It's probably something to do with the psyche of a WS. She let go of me emotionally a long time ago and just can't find any physical desire again. I think it also has to do with her regaining respect for herself and for me. Who knows for sure? I simply trying to be happy with what I have been given. God does have a purpose for all this; the key is to keep seeking His will not mine. Thank you for your encouragement and blessings Samantha. <P><B>inlimbo</B><BR>Hi Colin, I remember you as fairenough back in the old days. I'm sorry to hear your wife isn't willing to go the extra mile it takes to hold your marriage together. I certainly hope you don't stay "inlimbo". It is draining isn't it? Be well my friend. <P><B>Roll Me Away</B><BR>Hi Desiree! Gosh, it is so good to hear from you. I hope you are well. To answer your question about what we would do when the kids are gone, I honestly don't know. I believe if they were gone now, she would probably want to move out. And I wouldn't hold her back. But, it's hard to say what will happen tomorrow. I wouldn't pursue a divorce. I stand by my vow and will do what ever it takes to make a better marriage. She has many issues to resolve in her own mind. Until she is ready to work on our marriage together there won't be any progress. I am trying to be content with what I have, but it is hard. I look at other couples who stroll hand in hand through a store or something and I long for that type of relationship. You simply want to feel like you are special in the eyes of your mate. Oh well, maybe someday. Thanks for coming out of lurkdom. You're a good lady.<P><B>RWD</B><BR>Hi Bob! Good to hear from you. I wish I could post better news. I'm really doing OK. I'm not in that pit that so many of us dwell in for a while. I feel good about myself and what I am doing. I'm more involved with the kids and enjoying all of their activities. My wife goes through these rollercoaster emotions that I just don't join in with any more. Some days are good other days I'm an easy target for her woes. My skin must be getting thicker, because it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I work to keep things pleasant as best I can. Thanks for your encouragement my friend. <BR>