I'm curious as to what kinds of attitudes, perspectives, opinions...whatever...any of you who were or are a WS have towards OP 6-months, a year, 2 yrs, or longer. I've seen many comments about "I can't believe what we did...what was my attraction?" but I am wondering if any of you have an attitude of some level of residual affection though hands-off and no-contact. Did you have to experience anger or hatred in order to let go, or did BS look for that or want that in you, as some sort of sign that it's really over?<P>As some of you know, I'm a WS (male), approaching D-Day. I'm not trying to fish for a reason to continue loving OP, butI am genuinely curious as to how time has affected your viewpoint of OP.<P>Ivory<p>[This message has been edited by Ivory (edited January 09, 2001).]

Looking back at OM after only THREE WEEKS, I can already see him for what he is. I'm amazed that I'm having no withdrawal problems at all, probably b/c I now realize that he lacked character, in addition to being a liar and a coward.<P>When I finally snapped out of it (on d-day) and realized what I'd done to my H, that was all it took for me.<P>My H and I suffered horribly those first 3 weeks. OM walked away without a scratch - back to his charmed life with his clueless W. How nice.

I'm a male WS. Time hasn't really changed my opinion of the OW, though certain aspects of her personality that I kind of glossed over at the time seem a little more prominent now. No, I didn't have to go through anger or hatred or despite or anything to get over her. I'm too remorseful at what I did to feel angry at her. I do recognize now that she was essentially a troubled, confused young woman, and that I took advantage of that confusion, something I'll regret for a long time. The feelings I had for her I think I recognize now as more desperation on both our parts than true feelings for each other.<P>Are you genuinely in "withdrawal", Ivory? You were still communicating with the OW last I heard. Has that stopped for good?

You're right, Taxman...technically I am not in withdrawal. I guess you could call it anticipatory withdrawal. There was a period of not talking to one another but in the last few days we have had some contact, but that was to talk over issues of D-day, her H (who knows), my W (who doesn't yet).<P> For those waiting for me to tell my wife about A, that is planned for this Friday night, so that she will have Saturday without having to face co-workers and other responsibilities, and can talk to a friend or whatever she chooses to do.<P>Ivory

I look back and have a lot of anger and I'll admit it, hatred for the OM. I see it for what it was. Nothing. Zero. Zip.<P>If I never see them again for the rest of my life, I will be greatful. Sorry to sound so harsh, but that is the way I feel.<P>It disgusts me to think of what I did.<P>PJ

Ivory,<BR>I just wonder why you are still in touch with OW. I'm not sure why you have to discuss about your W or OW's H with her. Your W is your matter and her H, hers. Period. You two shared something in the past but that's past. It's good you are going to be honest with your W, but I strongly recommend you cut off ANY contact with OW.<P>Meg

I am a BS, not a WS, however, when H was in his EMR and living with the OW, I was approached by what I perceived to be a very fetching, charming, "caring" gentleman. We became friends, and I suppose that I could have made something more out of it - I was (stupidly) flattered by the attention, of course. I was (stupidly) flattered that he wanted to rescue me from my WS. When I finally told him that it could be no more, and that despite my attraction for him, I still loved my H, he became really nasty.<P>I saw really quickly what I meant to him, and what his intentions were. I'm glad that I didn't do what my H did, because I certainly had the opportunity, and yes, even the desire. But now when I think about this man who *could* have been an OM, I see him as unctuous, false, egotistical, selfish, and utterly lacking in moral fiber. My pain made me see him for something else than he was. I would never want a single man who would try to make a play for a married woman. Who can trust that?!<P>belld

Hi Ivory,<P> I have been reading your posts and I think it is great that you found this place before you tell you W. I wish I had known of it before I was in 5 months of recovery.<P> My WS had a E/A possibly P/A with a kind of married woman. He was willing to give me up for her, but she said no. That was 7 months ago. He now looks back and can not believe what he did. He calls her a she-devil. She is a womans libber 8 years younger than my 52year old H. Her standards and his are quite different. She does not believe in GOD, believes in abortion, ETC. In fact I do not think he would appreciate having a cheater, if he did (GET HER). My H would not want me acting like her.<P> So my question would be "How do you feel about the OW knowing she is a cheater?" Would she cheat on you,also? <P> I asked my H the same question, his reply was he would not appreciate having to wonder what she was doing when he was not around.<P> Please be very kind to your W on Friday. My H and I have been together for 20years. I was shocked, devestated, hurt beyond belief.<BR>Worst pain I have ever had, and I lost my first spouse ( he drowned )

<BR>I had a very intense emotional affair, which ended my first marriage. He was only 19. I was 26 and a mother of two. I was separated geographically from my spouse due to military service. In my belief, we were on the "outs'", so I didn't volunteer any information about being married.<P>The actual "relationship" lasted maybe 3 weeks or so. The after-effects lasted for a year as I left my spouse for the new guy, he ditched me, and I was left picking up the pieces of my ruined life (thanks to me.) My second husband was sorta a rebound from this relationship, by the way.<P>In my belief, my cowboy was "perfect" for me. He was handsome, kind, and thoughtful. It was love at first sight. We had an incredible time together.<P>My friend, actually, was not a predatory OM. He was a very very nice young man. The only reason that the relationship did not turn physical was because he didn't "feel right about it" even though he said he loved me. Which, in my warped mind, made me more infactuated with him: he had morals that I didn't at the time. (I had pressured him a bit, if you know what I mean.)<P>I was so sick in love with this guy that it was almost a physical feeling.<P>He was also in the military. When it came time for him to leave for a new duty station, he told me that it was over between us and I nearly pined to death. He told me that he wanted to break it off clean and just keep the memories of the good times we had together. No writing, no calling. (By this time, I had coldly and brazenly ditched my husband. We divorced and he sued for custody of the kids--I didn't have the right mind to fight for them.)<P>I spent months in a deep funk over it all. I was terribly depressed and confused, as you can imagine. Then I met my present husband and treated him pretty badly at first because I still missed my friend and wanted to be loyal to his memory. I also did not feel like "falling in love again" after what I had put myself through. Then I started to allow myself to fall in love with my husband, always keeping my friend's memory on the back-burner.<P>My husband and I got engaged, and subsequently called the wedding off because he felt my heart was not in it (it was, but my husband was also extremely jealous.) We kept fighting about it, breaking up and getting back together again and again.<P>At the same time, almost a year after my friend went away, he called me up and told me that he was sorry he had ditched me. Kind of a guilt relief, I guess. My friends told me that he still spoke of me often and kept a picture of me in his room. That was it, on his part--but I took it to mean that he wanted me back. I didn't think that I really wanted him back, but the wonderful memories I had of him prevailed and since my husband to be had called off the wedding, and my feelings were hurt, I gathered up my meager savings and flew to see my old friend right away.<P>When he picked me up at Sea-Tac airport, I took one look at him and said "OH MY GOD!! Ewwwwwwwww!!!!!" He basically had the same reaction to me. We had a horrid boring weekend, which consisted of me mostly weeping about my fiance and him sighing and yawning. He dropped me off at the airport and I could tell that he was relieved. And so was I.<P>I wasted $500 on my trip and made my husband to be very mad (definately not the last time this ever happened.)<P>I was married the following weekend to the man I continue to love, even after he has betrayed me and made the shambles that I created out of my adult life even worse. (karma, huh?)<P>My friend--I have a belt buckle that he gave me for my birthday. I can't stand to think of it now. That's about all the emotion that I have for him now. Took about a year.

<p>[This message has been edited by AloneAlot (edited January 12, 2001).]

Alone,<P>I'm the BS, but as indicated in my above post, I befriended a man who "wanted more" during my H's EMR - a friendship that went nowhere, BTW. I found that the only appropriate method of dealing with the situation was to revoke my friendship, as it was no longer appropriate. I know, it's hard to do, and I can imagine that it's even more difficult if you care about the person. I thought that I cared about this gentleman, and that he was a friend, and intended on always being his friend ... but after I made that complete disconnection, you know what? I found that I owed him no loyalty whatsoever as a friend, and he was out of my mind in no time. Once I actively decided *not* to include him in my life, those feelings of warmth and friendship went away very quickly, and I soon forgot that I ever felt anything for him.<P>The only way, I truly believe, is to sever the connection in every way, and that includes mentally telling yourself that this friendship cannot be.<P>belld