I'll try to make this as brief as I can. I have been married just over 10 yrs. Our marriage has been a disaster from the beginning it seems. My H had an affair within the first couple of yrs and many infidelities along the way (women in bars, internet "friends", pornograpy). When I learned of his affairs I was told to "get over it", and that it wouldnt happen again. I though I did get over it but I guess I never did. Over the last year and a half I had met a man. He was a customer I worked on a large project closely with. Our work was done over the phone, but shortly after the project ended he continued to call me to say good morning and so on. His calls became more frequent and eventually we met for lunch. That was my second mistake. We were very attracted to each other physically as well as emotionally. This is where the affair began. The OM called me 2 or 3 times a day. When we were together we could talk for hours about "nothing". He pulled out my chair, opened my car door and complimented me constantly. It felt so good to be adored. Knowing I was doing wrong I couldnt seem nor did I want to stop having these feelings. I felt desirable. Something I hadnt felt in years. <P>Since the discovery of my affair my H contacted the OM. I also emailed the OM shortly after and apologized to the OM for my part in our affair. I told him we had hurt many people, that we made a mistake and that I wanted my marriage to work. The affair is over. It has been hard for me in the way I feel "withdrawls" from the excitement and I have to say the fantasy was enjoyable, but I now realize that thats what it was...a fantasy. I don't really know the OM.<BR>My H has been crying, losing weight, not able to sleep, and constantly wants to talk about my affair. I made a grave mistake of giving him the grim details he kept asking for. What a mess!!!<BR>I also agreed to quit my job. The job I have worked very hard to excel at. When I resigned my boss was given the details of my affair with a company customer. I was asked to not quit, and guaranteed that I would never have to deal with that particular account or person again. My H is furious I am going back this coming Mon. He feels I have chosen my job over him. I dont see it that way. I cant affair financially to up and quit, I love my job, I have security at my job and quite frankly right now my job is the only security I think I have. My marriage doesnt look so good right now. We are in counseling (individual) and have just started marriage counseling. Still...our time together is spent rehashing the grizzly details of my affair, and the why's and how could I's. Im tired. Im depressed and I don't see a way out. I dont even see a glimmer of hope in his eyes. <P>I cant help but feel resentment for him. He cheated on me....no explainations, no life changes, and now that I have cheated the sky is falling in on us....He wants me to change jobs and help him all the time. I dont know how. Why cant he get past the acceptance of my affair? We can't go 0n until he does. Sometimes I feel he is trying to punish me with all of this... is he?<P>What do I do? Is there REALLY hope?<P>Maybe too much water has gone under the bridge.

If you both want it to work then there is hope. Post this in the recovery forum and you will probably get lots of reponses from those in recovery.<P>Buy the book Surviving An Affair (SAA) if you haven't already. Buy His Needs/Her Needs. They are both from this site.<P>Most importantly, I'd counsel with Steve Harley from this site. He has helped many couples recover from seemingly awful marriages that had nothing left. The principles described in his books are sound, have worked, and just make sense. He has an understanding of affairs, marriages, feelings, love, and making marriages work that I don't think alot of counsellors have (just my opinion).<P>I think there is always hope if you both try, but you need some help as you know.<P>You'll probably get good advice from others more qualified to help, because my wife is the WS and we aren't currently together. I can't wait for the day she just wants to try.<P>I wish you both the best.

SadieGreenville<BR>A mess.. you bet. Hopeless no... Remember how you felt when you knew you were betrayed. I am the BS and I too wanted to know the gory details. now I wish I hadn't. It hurts. Plain and simple. You didn't do this to pay him back so don't compare his get over it with what he is feeling now. Now I am sure he knows how you feel. Good luck

My husband is talking about moving out. I'm not sure if that is a good idea right now. Do we work this through together or seperate? <P>Am I wrong for keeping my job?<P>I just don't know what is right anymore.<P>Right now I feel like a total loser. I have thrown everyone's life up in the air around us. Why did this have to happen?!<P>Sadie

Welcome <B>SadieGreenville</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Now about the job...<BR>...ask your boss if he can speak personally (in person... face to face if possible) with your H about the guarantee of "no contact".<BR>...and of course do your best to convince your H to speak to your boss.<P>Since you're both working...<BR>...money should not be as much of an issue...<BR>...<B>seriously</B>... consider having a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Stay here...<BR>...and keep posting, reading and learning.<P> <P>Jim