I posted my first message a few days ago under "Just Found Out". Without going into all the details again, I'll just let you know that my husband recently told me that he has met the perfect woman and has been having an affair for about three months. (By the way, she's married too. Plus she's a doctor, so you'd think she'd have a few brains). He says that he thinks I am a nice person, but that we don't have anything in common. After 18 years of marriage, and 2 kids, he wants a divorce. He says that he deserves to be happy, and doesn't think this is possible with me because we are too different and don't enjoy the same things. He says we're total opposites, and should just realize that we don't belong together. He says that a lot of guys would be thrilled to have me for a wife, just not him! Ouch! I don't know how he could possibly think that after 18 years of marriage we suddenly have nothing in common. I think he's just trying to rationalize his affair. He keeps saying that he wants to seperate, but he's still here! I keep thinking that maybe he really doesn't want to leave, but when I ask him what his plans are, he says he wants to leave and thinks we should just get a "friendly" divorce. He says I can have all the household things, and split everthing else 50/50. The problem is, he doesn't leave! I'm so confused because I don't want a divorce, but I don't know if I should continue to let him stay here if he doesn't see a future for us. Should I just let hime stay, or should I insist that he leave? Also, we haven't said anything to our kids yet. They know we're having problems, but I think they're afraid to ask much because they don't want to hear the answer. How much should I tell them? Should I tell them about the affair? They are teenagers (18 and 14). I'm afraid they might eventually find out from their friends if we don't tell them. We live in a small community and it's just a matter of time before the word gets out.<P>Sorry to ramble on so, but I'd appreciate a response from someone who's been through this.

Hi Twin2,<P>Welcome to MB, glad you found this wonderful site with truly wonderful people.<P>Be sure to read NSR's welcome...up top on the first page. He is an expert and may be able to clear up a lot of the questions you have right now. You've probably been reading a lot of this already...so you have some idea of what this is all about.<P>I was somewhat astounded by some of the similarities your story has to mine. I hesitate to post sometimes to the new members, as my situtation is looking pretty bad, but I wanted to welcome you. My husbands first OW was also a doctor. We had been married 18 years when he started his two year affair with her. We have three teens at home. Sad to say, he ended it with her, but got immediatley involved with a co-worker and has been out of the house for many months. I hope this does not give you less hope for your situation...they are all different, though the betrayers pose many many similarities as you'll see when you read the posts.<P>Yes, your husband is using all of the "affair speak" that we've all heard. We've joked that they must hand out a pamphlet for betrayers instructing them on what to say to their spouses...I love you, but I'm not in love with you...He/She is my soulmate...blah blah blah. We also know what incredible pain you are in right now Twin2. If nothing else, use this board to get those painful and confusing feelings off your chest. We have been where you are, and many of us are still where you are and we, unlike some of your family or friends will not tire of you coming here and ranting as much as you need to.<P>I wish I could give you some better advice here. If you've read up on Plan A/B you know the beginning of what to do here. The fact that your husband is still in the house is very good...he is obviously very conflicted and his heart and head don't have any idea what to do. I think one of the most important things I learned here is to try not to "educate" your husband about what you are learning about his crisis. It's very difficult, but if you can begin to detatch, and watch him...sort of from a distance, it really helps keep your sanity. I often compare my H's behavior with my 18yo sons...amazingly alike these days.<P>You can make a good go of this...it's really and truly not too late, but this takes a lot of time and patience. You see, it's his ride, not yours...all you can do is be the best YOU you can be and show your husband that you can weather this storm.<P>Please keep posting, keep reading...I hope we can help you a bit here. <P>allison

Sorry that you are going through this. You sound like you are already onto this, but the things your H says about your marriage are straight from the textbook on affairs. Nothing in common, too different, etc....classic lines that they use to rationalize their selfish decisions. And this "met the perfect woman" stuff is more of the same...he is in the so-called fog that we talk about. Even the friendly divorce thing, and saying you have all the household stuff. He's being somewhat nice because he feels guilt over this.<P>Just saying he wants a divorce doesn't mean the end, as I think you know. Ultimately, if he leaves, I think the advice you'd get would be to tell the kids the truth. That alone might help snap him out of this, but then again, sometimes it doesn't. The fog is powerful. Does the doctor's husband know about the affair?<P>The general advice in situations like this is to let him stay, and Plan A. Go to NSRs General Welcome (icon at top left) and read about Emotional Needs (EN), Love Busters (LB), and Plan A. You need to look at what ENs of hour H are not being met by you (ignoring for now what he might not be meeting of yours....since you are the one that has to try and save the marriage). Start meeting those, not doing and LBs, and Plan A your best. Make yourself better and as the fog clears (which it usually does), let him see that you are his most attractive option. If you have questions about Plan A, ask us.<P>Post as often as you want, we all help each other here.<P>Oh, it would be really good to talk to Steve Harley from MB. He can help you setup a good Plan A. Hang in there.<P>

Welcome <B>twin2</B>...<P>...I've noticed that the "announcement" doesn't have the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>link</A> to the "<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>"... (we'll get that fixed)<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>"Should I just let hime stay, or should I insist that he leave?"...<BR>...the ideal is have him <B>stay</B> home so he can observe changes in you during your Plan A. A Plan actually more for you than for him... put it can make him realize his mistake(sometimes.)<P>"Also, we haven't said anything to our kids yet. They know we're having problems, but I think they're afraid to ask much because they don't want to hear the answer. How much should I tell them? Should I tell them about the affair? They are teenagers (18 and 14)."...<BR>...you must face reality here...<BR>...learn all you can about Plan A...<BR>...try to summarize your approach to your kids...<BR>...(that you do in fact want to save your marriage... and they can help by loving their father... and showing him how to correct himself)...<BR>...and yes... they (your kids) would appreciate at least one honest parent...<P>"I'm afraid they(kids) might eventually find out from their friends if we don't tell them. We live in a small community and it's just a matter of time before the word gets out."...<BR>...this should be a major concern...<BR>...so learn about honesty with your H and your kids too! (check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3325_hon.html" TARGET=_blank>Honesty and Openness</A>)<P> <P>Jim

We also live in a small town, but amazingly word has not gotten out about H's affair. For many reasons, we decided it would be best NOT to tell our 2 teenagers. They knew we were having problems (after the revelation of the A), but that we were trying to work them out. It has been 7 months now. <P>Of course, if a separation is pending, they will have to know, and I guess at that point I think they should probably be told of the A. <P>Good luck. We're here to help!<P>------------------<BR>"Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7