I wrote before how he said he knows my feelings may change for him while he's searching for the answers to his questions. He also said "And I don't know what it will feel like if YOU find somebody else".<P>Is he saying that he wants to know what that will feel like?? I almost get the feeling that he wants me to date someone else (#1 to relieve his guilt for what he's doing to me & #2 to "see what it feels like"). Like that feeling will help him decide what he wants??<P>Any of you analyizers out there? I'm just new to all of this so when I try to analyize (sorry about the spelling) I think I'm still using my emotions to much. Thanks for any of your thoughts!<P>------------------<BR>"Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30

He isn't saying either one specifically, but is just unsure of his decision. These are things they all say. My wife has said that I should date, "what is wrong with it" she'll say. Of course she wants that in a weird say, then she doesn't have to say SHE ended our marriage, she can say "look, he's dating". I'm not going to give her the satisfaction.<P>I can't remember, but have you introduced him to any of the concepts here...like love is a choice, the ways to make a marriage successful, etc.? What about the books like His Needs/Her Needs?<BR>

Hi Bitsy,<P>That was the name of my favorite dog as a child. <P>I think its fairly common for them to say things like that. They do have the feeling that if you were seeing someone else it would make what they are doing OK somehow. (2 wrongs make a right?) In reality it really makes things more complicated and painful. It just goes to show how confused he is... Hang in there.<BR>Lora

We got analyzers!<P>bitsy - I think this common reference to dating from the WS is a way of relieving some of their guilt while giving them more justification for what they're doing if you actually follow up on it.<P>You will find great disagreement on this forum about dating. Since he's mentioned it, I recommend you avoid it like the plague - you're trying to rebuild your marriage - don't give him anything to relieve his guilt or to further justify his behavior.<P>Dave (WAT)

Wow - how's that for quick unanimous analyses?

Wow guys!! That was fast! Thanks!<P>I haven't talked to him yet about much that's on here - I do plan on telling him some the next time we talk about "us" . . not sure when that will be since I don't bring it up unless he does. I especially want to say the love is not always a feeling, sometimes it's a choice part.<P>I wasn't planning on dating anyone else in the near future. I've got too many things about me that I need to work on and bringing someone else into the picture will only complicate that. Plus it will be a VERY long time until anyone else gets close to my girls-they've been hurt badly and really let down by him. I feel so terrible about letting him get so close to them. My oldest (who does not get close to very many people)told him a few months ago that he was her best friend. How can he live with himself??<P>When he left it was to "figure out who he is" THEN he got involved with OW-that's helpful! Idiot! Oh well, I guess everything happens for a reason.<P>Thanks to all of you-I'm learning, learning, learning.<P>

Ah Bitsy,<P>Do reread the part about not educating him. I know it is a killer, but he will not be able to hear what you say anyway and it will only annoy him and make him go back to those negative feelings about you.<P>You can tell him how you feel, but dont try to tell him what you have learned about how he probably feels.<P>In fact at this point you probably should be just trying to be his friend, not doing alot of talking about your relationship, unless he really brings it up.<P>Do you think it is the truth that he didnt get involved until after he moved out? Just wondering cause it seems so common for them to move out in order to be more free to spend time with OW. I guess it could happen the other way.. he was searching for something... and thinks he finds happiness with OW. <BR>Lora<BR>Lora