Hello<P> My H had a E/A possibly P/A last year. He claims that I am somehow deficient and that is whay he did it. Married 20years.<P> He also cheated on his first wife, many times. Of course she was deficient,also.<P> My D who is also in a E/P says once a cheat always a cheat, and she should know. She has first hand knowledge. <P> How do others view this? I welcome all comments, as I do not want to set myself up, just to have it happen again. So far I have been married to 2 cheaters. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH<P> <BR> <P>------------------<BR>Deb

IMO, cheating is a choice. Just because it happens once doesn't mean it has to happen again. I do believe that some people are compulsive regarding members of the opposite sex but the vast majority of us are not. You are not deficient. He is, for repeating the same mistakes over and over again.

I think that if nothing changes for the cheater (counseling, self-improvement, seeking help, setting up accountability) that there is little likelihood of changing that behavior. <P>However, if the cheater seeks counseling, changes other behaviors that lead to his/her cheating, like frequenting bars alone, going out for lunches/coffee/recreation with opposite sex friends and basically has a change of heart or "hits bottom" that cheating can end. But it is something the cheater always has to realize is a weakness, it was a maladaptive way to cope with something and will in the future still seem like a possible "out" for their problems. Realization that the OP changes, but their problems don't is a big step.<P>I was a cheater 11 years ago and stayed completely faithful, even through 21 months of my H's affair, until he had left me the 7th time. I don't feel my OM inappropriate relationship at that time was exactly a return to cheating, but it wasn't the best coping I had done either.<P>My marriage is back together and I plan to be faithful, we both redid our vows in July. I have confidence that my H will be faithful as well, he says a return to that kind of life would kill him--and I don't think he means physically, I think he means spiritually & emotionally.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

flymsyex<BR>I have to agree with the others, it is a choice and until the issues are dealt with it is a possibility. My H cheated on his first wife(with me I am ashamed to admit) then on me with her before we were married but they were divorced. Then on me six months ago with a complete aol stranger. He has since then hit bottom (a total nervous breakdown) dealt with all of his childhood abuse issues, is in group and individual counseling, stopped drinking is on antidepressants, is totally accountable to me for all of his time, So even though I sometimes have doubts creep into my mind, I really don't think he would do it again, as he would have to revert back to his old self and I just don't see that happening. So if the circumstances have changed for you H. I would think that once the pattern is broken it would be harder for them to do it and rationize their way thru it. Jenni<BR>