I'm new to this and could use some advice and support. My H had an A with his secretary for a year. In July, on my son's 13th B-day he came home and said he wanted a divorce so he could be with her. We went to counseling briefly and for 9 weeks, I went through him coming home to say he's leaving to be with her, to he's staying because his family is important to him five times.(We have three kids)He's still home and we did the survey on emotional needs. He seemed surprised that my needs were not being met by him. We started working at meeting those needs. HERE'S where the problem lies. I asked him one night if he felt things were getting better between us and if I was starting to satisfy more of his emotional needs. He said "he said that things were better between us but no,I wasn't meeting his needs or at least not most of the time".<BR>I asked him what exactly what it was he was looking for to meet those needs since obviously what I was doing wasn't working and he said he didn't know. That he wasn't even sure what his needs were anymore. Since he still works with and sees OW on a daily basis, is this comment a reflection of wanting to be with her? He says he can't fire OW because of legal issues and he won't leave his job because he's finally worked his way to third in command. HELP!! I feel like I'm standing on a sinking ship!Do I keep trying to meet the emotional needs he oringinally put down on the survey? And do I keep trying to meet them the way I have been doing since he can't seem to tell me what would meet those needs?

It is quite possible that he does not know what his needs are right now. I asked my H the same question and he told me that if I really knew him I would know what his needs were. I told him that yes I knew, but was there anything I could do differently to meet them. He blew me off. Unfortunately it takes time. And I think that working with OW does not help things. It is possible that he still looks at her as his 'support'.<P>I also heard the 'I can't leave and neither will she because it wouldn't change anything'. Well after my life changes, and letting H know that I was going to live with him or without him, he has transferred to a new office, cut off all contact with OW, and the last I heard she is looking for a new job elsewhere. So things can change, it may take awhile though.<P>In the meantime, search yourself and make yourself the best YOU possible. NOt for him, but for you. If he says that his family is important take that as positive...you are a part of that family.<P>Continue to meet his needs as you know them to be. Be gentle and supportive and eventually he will 'see' you. Talk to him about you and things you have learned about yourself. Sometimes they don't want to talk about themselves, but will listen. And I found that my H would apply some of the things that I shared with him about myself and what I was doing, but never say anything. I just saw and heard, and I knew that he was listening.<P>Did H ever confide why he had the A to begin with? That can give you a good starting place as to meeting his needs. My H was feeling ignored, not needed, used, taken for granted etc and he was depressed and vulnerable. He is a man who says that he doesn't like attention, but inwardly he craves it. I made it a point to talk to him, to include him in decisions, to take him everywhere he would go with me. It has made a huge difference.<P>It takes a huge dose of tongue biting in the beginning and quite frankly at the start there were times that I would have rather just pushed him out the car door onto the side of the road and left him there. <BR>But my H now says that if he wasn't happy he wouldn't be at home...maybe not a huge declaration of undying love...but a big step from a year ago.<P>It is tough, it can be uncomfortable, but what do you see as the big picture? Years with this man? If that is the case, this point in time will seem very small if you can get past this difficult time. But you both must get to the point where you feel safe sharing your feelings with one another. My H and I are just beginning to scratch the surface of that one, but I know that it is coming.<P>Don't let this own you, YOU take charge and own your own life. No one can take that from you. I would suggest getting the Relationship Rescue book/workbook by Phil McGraw. It certainly changed my life, and others on these boards as well. It was very hard to be honest and then realise how I had contributed for many years to the demise of our relationship, but it can be turned around.<P>Time, patience, love, a past...all things that you possess. Just figure out how to use them to your advantage.<P>Good Luck!<P>

My H is still in the A. He cannot get in touch with his feelings at all. He very nearly breaks out into a sweat if he has to come up with a descriptive word! I feel soory for him. And for me! He cannot talk to me at all. The only thing he can come up with is fear.<P>And that he loves the OW. He doesn't know why of course, she simply makes him feel good. I don't, apparently. I call it obsession or a security blanket! <P>My computer is making funny noises. I need to get off.<P>B

VF gave you great advice. Honey, Robert and I have been back together for a year, we're doing great, and he STILL doesn't have a clue what his needs are!!! Don't sweat it.<P>That doesn't make any difference. Watch him, get to know him. You can probably get a clearer picture of what he needs than he'd ever be willing to admit that way anyway.<P>Listen to VF. She's done a great job. This is hard, but not impossible. Concentrate on the positives....So he's waffled, he's there and sorta working on the marriage..that's a lot more than I got for months and months. You can do this.<P>Hang in there...you're not done yet.<P>Lori

Thanks for the advice and support. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and I've been through some rough times in my life. I thought that my hysterectomy in Dec. of '99 which I faced alone emotionally was tough but this beats that.(I found out later, that the reason he wasn't there for me was because he was with OW most nights)I did go back to college this Fall. I'm finally going to finish and get my BSN (Bachelor of Science in Nursing). He seem intrigued by the fact that I'm pursuing once again a dream I had many, many years ago. I'm making me happy now, first. It is something that I haven't done in the 24 years we were married, put my happiness first. It feels good and I feel good about myself. My biggest supporter is my 22yrs. old daughter who's pursuing her PharmD degree. She's my cheering section.<BR>Thanks again for your advice and support. I'll keep in touch. It's so great to know that I'm not alone in this situation.

Congratulations on taking that big step...one I am considering yet again. This time I would like to go back to schoool to get an MBA degree. Let us know when you get your cap! If your husband is intrigued it means he has perked up and is paying attention. Keep up the good work, your happiness will spill over onto everyone in your life and it will make a difference. <P>You can control YOU and your life and happiness, you can't control him, but if you make the effort to include him in those special times it will have an affect.<P>Keep smiling and laughing and being happy. Sometimes that is enough to get their attention...they wonder why you are so happy when you should be miserable...when in reality it is they who are making themselves miserable most of the time. <P>I have two quotes that I printed up and hung in several places in our house. The jist is that hurt can only 'hurt' as long as you let it. The other is about dealing with hurt...that you should clap and sing and not let it get you down instead of weeping and wailing. I will try to remember to post them for you.<P>Oh another book you might be interested in is Life Makeovers by Cheryl Richardson. It has some really interesting ideas about being 'selfish'.<P>Best of luck to you!

Hi Aries,<P>Read my post about a new way to look at my role in our marriage and see if you think you could go at it from that angle instead of meeting his needs.<BR>Lora