I found out about my husband's affair 1 month ago. Since then, I've been wondering if I was attractive enough to find another man if I eventually leave my husband like I think that I'm gonna. I was approached by a very nice looking man yesterday for a date since I'm not wearing my rings. I feel great knowing that my goods are still there and want to go but should I.

Hi AnonymousCAV! I'm not familiar with the background of your story, but as a BS, I can relate to your feelings of wondering if you are attractive to anyone else. However, if there is even the slightest chance that your marriage will survive and that you want to make it work with your H, then NO---do not go on the date! If you do, it will only further complicate the matter as then you have also cheated on your H.<P>Post here to receive the emotional support that you need during this very painful time. There are lots of us on the boards that care!!

I can totally sympathize with you, because I've already been down that road!<P>I have to advise against it. My W moved out 6 months ago, filed for divorce, and told me in no uncertain terms that it was over between us, and the OM was her "soul-mate," etc. So about 2 months ago, I did the same thing you're planning on. I wanted to see if I still "had it," and went out on a couple of dates with another woman. I figured what's the harm? I'm getting divorced for sure, and my W has already cheated on me...what could it hurt? <P>Well, since my W found out about the OW, she has been moving towards reconciliation! Suddenly, her husband is out looking at other women, and her built-in jealousy gene is driving her back into my arms! It is a sore spot for her and a major LB every time it comes up. If I hadn't done it, I would be a lot closer to saving my marriage and a lot farther from divorce.<P>Your H's affair probably had nothing to do with how attractive you are. I'm sure you'll have no problem attracting another man, but DON'T TRY IT YET! As I've found out, it ain't over 'til its over!

There really isn't a good reason for a married person to date. Nearly 2 years after my H's affair had begun and we were separated again, I served him divorce papers, started seeing a male friend...my H wanted to reconcile...and we have, but I regret not honorably holding to my goal of getting my marriage together, or waiting until I was divorced. <P>It's made the reconciliation much more difficult. And the guy isn't staying out of my life...even though he is now married.<P>And, as for you being attractive...your self-esteem should come from more than a guy hitting on you. But you know that.

I have a question/comment. Both cjack and Lor saw their WS suddenly want to reconcile after they started seeing others. I know the whole thing about not dating, not being a good idea, and I also would not want to date unless my marriage is over. But it does seem that this is sometimes a catalyst for changing the dynamics and rattling the WS into reality. Is this then considered a last resort technique?<P>Just curious as to what others think.<P>

I don't know if I'd recommend it as a "last resort" tactic. I didn't really look at it as some kind of ploy to win back my WS.<P>I had already given up on the marriage, and wanted to move on with my life. When my WS found out about it, her attitude totally changed. She's a very jealous person, and I think the thought of me with another woman was a reality check for her. She kept telling me that I needed to find someone more compatible with me, but the fact that I actually DID was shocking to her. <P>I think the only reason it worked in my favor is that my WS is very possessive and jealous.

Actually, I have to be honest here. During Plan B, when I booted H out the second time, I told him, very nicely, that since he was still seeing the OW, I would consider dating as well. I told him that I was informing him of this because I didn't want the word to get back to him through a third party, and that it was only fair that he hear it from me first. I also told him why - that I was lonely, and that I wanted someone in my life, in a nonsexual context, the way he had the OW to rely on.<P>I didn't even need to implement my plan to date anyone, because after that, the OW was toast.<P>belld

It is ironic. The general concept is to not do this, but yet it seems to work. It throws a brand new wrench into their plan, one that they couldn't possibly evaluate properly until it seemed inevitable.<P>I'm in Plan A and plan on being there for awhile longer, but every so often I start quietly analyzing the "other options". They include at least the illusion that there might be someone else, presenting a stack of emails confirming what I have known all along (for shock treatment), polite call to the OM, who is afraid if his parents ever find out he was involved with married woman, and an immediate and swift Plan B.<P>I think there are decent odds in some cases that this kind of stuff works, more of the tough love approach I guess, but I'm still firmly on the Plan A train, assuming that it is the safer and more calculated approach. Letting the fog clearing take effect I guess. Anyway, I find this whole topic interesting, because there are many cases of the shock plan working quickly.<P>Sorry to bust in on your thread AnonymousCAV.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited January 13, 2001).]