wow.... the end of a long, crappy year!! <P> We began last year with an affair.. and it ended with a marriage that is finally on the road to recovery!!! <BR> No more lies, no more deceptions... my heart is clean! My husbands heart is on the recovery road... we are going to be okay!! I came here many times with frustrations.. advice, and tears!! But until now did nt understand what it means to start recovery.<BR> to begin recovery for us betrayers. it comes to a point of humblness before your Lord, and before yourself and before your spouse. I am not talking guilt.. or remores. i am talking a genuine humblness. Comeing before your God, yourself and YOur spouse with a clean spirit. NO more deceptions.<BR> I have found over the year that when we set out to deceive... what a tangled web we weive.. and in that web is God, yourself, your spouse, your children, your friends, heck....even your pets! lol.. just kidding.. but really... all of it becomes intwinde. And in order to break everyone out of that web bonds have to be broken. The relations hip between the OP and the betrayer.. needs to be broken.. the bible says that Intercourse is the final binding covenant of marriage.. when that covenant is broken with another person... you yourself is broken... and inorder to fix..... the bondage ...the binding with that person must be broke... <BR> There are a couple different ways i was able to do this...one..... being totally truthful with myself in realizing that I need fences in my life. My God is my tallest fence... checking things trhough Him first.. what would my husbandthink.. would he allow what i am doing..<BR> I broke the bond by praying the bondage off. Breaking the bondage in the NAME OF JESUS!! with that person... another way is being totally open and honest with my hsuband.. even if the truth hurt.. telling him my failures.. the last phone call.. 2 months ago..... revealing the feelings towards OM.. the intimate details.. when there are no more secrets.... there are no more lies.. and there is freedom in that!! <BR> There are feelings that come with healing, humbleness.. meakness... love....kindness...vulnerability.. no more guilt.. remorse..yes....but no longer the intense "i am such a baaaaaad person" no, i am a person who made a horrible mistake and am now able to love freely and give back all i have taken.<BR> I konw that complete healing is not here...but can oly come with Gods hand in it...there is no other way to heal!!<BR> Mathew 7:7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you<BR> Mathew 7:8 For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.<BR> Psa 51:10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.<BR> Isa 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness<BR> God is Good and the only Healer...... amen<P>love Mercy

Mery<P>thanks for sharing your update. For those of us BSs that are still no where, it is always uplifting to know that there is hope in the impossible. My H has not made one step forward in 6 months. But he has in his own discovery about his inner child. He is starting to see where he placed me in that scenario(scolding mommy.) A person he needs in his life, but one he hides from and cannot be honest with. He knows it is not fair, but he has not tried to CHANGE his feelings. Yes the OW is still in hte picture, and that is his security blanket. Our therapist says that she will obtain the mommy role as soon as I am out of the picture, so he must deal and straighten things out with his real mother. She is old, but not dead yet, there is time to heal there.<P>In the mean time I am starting to deal with his alcoholism, my other beastie. There is way too much to deal with here. I am detaching big time, and giving H to God. I can not do anything, he must do it. <P>My H is going out of town. I have no faith in his denial that she won't be there, but for the first time, I don't care. I am so wrapped up in myself and my recovery(new to alanon)that I simply told H that he knows when he mentions that city(their main lovenest) I will get upset and tense. I told him that I will not check on him and if he lies he is only hurting himself, he agreed and that was that. I really feel that too, for some reason. I wish he would see the light you have seen, but God is not through revealing things to my H. And I must be patient as I can.<P>B

Oh, Mercy, good for you!<P>And, just make up your mind, that no matter if you and the H are getting along or have hit a rough spot that if there is contact YOU TELL. Our Enemy doesn't forget his old footholds so easily...the OM walked into my store a couple weeks ago, I told my H as soon as I got home--this time I didn't want to tell because we're getting along so well, and I didn't want to bring to mind the days we were on the verge of divorce. But the honesty is crucial.<P>I wish you the best.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

M_ercy<P>Great message! I am a WS and have had to go thru the same, just haven't been to put it to words. I have found the hardest part is breaking that bond and I can tell you that without Gods help, it's not going to happen. I have been trying to move on with out the fences you refer to and its been like trying to travel without a map! We are currently working on the honesty and openness-- I needed to humble myself not only b4 the Lord but also b4 my wife, my freinds, the OW's husband-- yes the OW's husband. We were bestbuds, now I'm faced with the pain I caused him and reconsiling with him. I miss his freindship-- he has forgiven me but a long road lay ahead of more pain and healing. J

Hi Mercy,<P>I have been thinking of you. It's wonderful to read a positive update from you. Keep up the good work and visit us here more often. I think it really helps to stay focused on the "prize" ahead- a really good and honest relationship.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint

Good to hear from someone like you. It gives a lot of us knowledge that we're not doing this for nothing.<P>Best to ya!