I'll try to keep this post as short as possible, but please forgive me, I really feel like venting, big time. I am loosing my nerves, feel like doormat. Today I'm really mad, I'm pulling out all bad things I ever felt resentment for, I'm barely holding myself not to call him and tell him all out of my mind - I better not post it here, it would be very nasty. <P>What happened? Well I'm just fed up with everything I have to take care for, I'm tired, feel used and think over and over did I make a big mistake allowing him to come and go whenever he pleases. When he comes, I'm happy to see him and spend nice time with him and D, but when he leaves, I die inside. Every time he leaves I re-live that evening he left.<BR> <BR>His behaviour now truly tortures me. The longer this lasts, the more patience I loose. <P>Maybe I shouldn't complain, many of you would kill to have your spouse spending every weekend with you and kids (and oftenly during weekdays too), acting pretty normally, doing some housework, even having normal intimate life (I mean, considering circumstances and the fact that he doesn't stay overnight, except for Christmas and NY). But, after all that - he leaves. Each and every time. Sometimes calls every day, then he doesn't call for days ... one day comes home unannounced and calls me on mobile asking where we all are, he is here, waiting for us, then stop contact for four days. But, accutrate as a swiss watch, he's here on Saturday. What is it all about??<P>Finally, this one was just the last drop in my jar: MIL called me today before I left for office to ask if D would come to visit her. D is still on winter vacation, so she agreed to go after volleyball training. I came after ork to pick her up and, OMG - H's aunt and her H were there! Yes, the very same one who allied with OW. They lives abroad and don't come very often here. <P>As if nothing really happened, they both said hello, kissed me, chatted a bit with me, aunt offered me to taste brownies she made ... How could she ever look me right in the eyes so calmly and don't feel ashamed? What kind of persons they all are (MIL, FIL, BILs), acting as if nothing happened? <P>If you don't remember the story, here is a part of my post from Nov/00: <P>"I downoladed messages from my H's account and guess what I found: forwarded e-mail originally posted from H's aunt (living abroad) to OW saying it was a pleasant surprise she contacted them back, it's nice she informed them about her birthday, (of course sent her best wishes), they are happy they now have her e-mail address, and due to not having it erlier they didn't want to contact her because it could cause some trouble to THEM BOTH (H and OW). Also said they are very happy hearing she liked it there with them (now I know H was at aunt's place with her), and offered to come any time they (H&OW) find some free time. Aunt also said she's so happy seeing them both happy and her heart is now so peaceful seeing her nephiew being sooo happy. Wished them both a lot of happiness, health and great days in their future... <P>OW forwarded this e-mail (which was obviously an aunt's reply to OW's mail to her) to my H's e-mail address in the company. I'm sure she KNOWS I have access to all his e-mails because H gave me all passwords, and this account I shared with him for some time, I do even nowadays." <P>H called to MIL's place, probably looking for MIL, but D was alone in the apartment that moment, so they talked and he said will come over to MIL's in the afternoon. Needless to say, he didn't show. Out of shame, guilt, or perhaps you have another idea? I bet he would feel very uncomfortable sitting in the same room with me, D, and aunt. <P>Oh, I want to make something completely stupid, outrageous, out of control ... I'm so mad .... <P>Any advice for me?<P>Adrian<P>

Hi Adrian - advice, yes - keep your venting here to us. We'll listen. His unreliable behavior sounds just like some others and your reactions are understandable. Being a BS is a crappy job. You're not alone.<P>Do you think you might have some depression? The anit-dep medications sure can even things out. Give it some thought, please.<P>Dave (WAT)

Adrian,<P>We all get where you are from time to time. All you can do is try to calm yourself (some of that is time), do something to keep busy, and remember that he is confused and foggy. We can't analyze everything they do...even though we always do anyway. The Aunt thing is crazy, he is unreliable, it all drives you nuts. But you have to keep doing your job, which is saving your marriage. You know what you have to do for that job.<P>I know how infuriating and painful all this is, and I wish I could help more. But unfortunately this just takes time. You are getting more than most of us. Maybe that ends up being harder, like candy that keeps getting taken away from you. I don't know.<P>Please hang in there and vent to us, like WAT said. And don't give H the satisfaction.

WAT, Rick, <P>thanks for listening. Maybe this is just one bad day (few in a row would be more accurate to say), but I can't stop analyzing our past, and thinking is it worth of all this pain. I mean, if you ask me do I want my marriage, deep inside I know I do. Only today I'm painfully aware of all his personal issues he has to deal with, and see no hope he would ever solve those internal conflicts. And that is exactly what led to all this mess. <P>He is a good person, used to be great dad and good, supporting and caring husband, always brought home entire paycheck, never got drunk, never smoked, never tasted any drug substance... but even in his 37th, he is immature, spoiled child, who obsessivly must have all "toys" he wants, at any cost. <P>He never cut umbilical cord with his family, and now acts like I stole him form his family for all those years we've been married. Of course, they blame me for all and will support him no matter what he does, will clean every mess he makes. <BR> <BR>Being in the middle of this hostile environment, I never had true support from him, he is typical conflict avoider and that's exactly what he's doing now. Whenever he comes to a problem, I mean in his private life, he tends to run away, or stir circumstances/people the way they will work for him - God forbid he had to make any decisions. <P>I just don't know will he ever grow up, and be able to accept resposibilities, break those unhealthy bonds with his family and once finally protect me and honestly committ to our marriage. I'm not sure do I have the will, motive and power to fight against his personal conflicts all my life. Will I ever get my ENs filled in return?<P>I still don't know about OW, not even sure is she in the picture any more. He never mentions her. I have no proof, but I'm pretty sure they are still in contact, although I believe not so often. Two weeks ago H said if I had forced him to choose 4 months ago he would have called quits and serve papers, but now he's trying to save what can be saved. Sounded somehow sad and unwilling. Is this some light in the tunnel or what? <P>Adrian<p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited January 11, 2001).]

Adrian - we're with you, don't forget it. Will you ever get ENs filled - YES. Maybe not the way you want them filled right now. Continue being a good Mom - I'm your counterpart being a good Dad - and try to take some comfort in the fact that you're the normal one. You have the logic and strength to know you're right and you've been dealt a bad hand like so many of us. We can't predict how your marriage will turn out, but I can predict that you will survive and grow. I remember wondering last summer if I was the crazy one because nothing made sense. My supporters kept telling me I was thinking correctly. I'm telling you this now. You can apply your engineering logic to determine that the facts in front of you are illogical. Don't try to make any further sense of them. Once you get convinced of this, it'll be easier to cope. Trust me on this. Also consider seeing a doc about depression. It's a sign of strength to do this.<P>Stand tall and keep coming to us for support.<P>WAT

Adrian,<P>I'll second what WAT wrote. And please know that you are not alone in fighting for a marriage where you know that there are some major obstacles in the way of recovery, even if the WS wants it. By that I am referring to family issues, WS issues, etc. I too, worry that my wife won't be able to do the necessary things to properly recover.<P>But I know that I cannot allow myself to not do everything in my power to try and save my marriage, and I haven't done EVERYTHING yet. I just look at my kids and know I must try. It may not work, but in the process we grow stronger with what we learn, and can be content that we did our best.<P>Keep your strength and do your best. You are the stability and strength in your child's eyes. We are here for you, so type away.<BR>