My W and I are now 2 months into our recovery from her A. I have been reading posting's on this site for a few weeks now and they have greatly helped me to understand the things that I "should" do to save my marriage. I've basically implemented my own version of Plan A but I've modified it as follows:<P>1. Computer Spy Software<BR>2. Telephone Recorder<BR>3. A couple of calls (day 1 and 5 of A discovery) to OM and his W to make sure his perfect little life was turned upside down also.<P>So far I believe they have ended it (thats what she tells me anyhow). My W has been the epitomy of the loving, caring wife the past month. I'm wondering if those of you who are farther down the recovery road then myself can tell me if you ever trust a WS again? I have this feeling that for the rest of your life everything on the surface will seem ok but you never really trust them (WS's) again.

Wow. Well you and me both. I pretty much figured out that when I made my call to OM, WS was PISSED off at me. Why? He called her and basically said he wasn't a part of it and didn't want to deal with it. Seems a crack had appeared in the sky in la-la land. <P>But enough about that past event, well as to trust...I've got some friends that had to deal with it and yes he did regain trust for her...mind you not the unconditional trust, but pretty much enough to avoid being at each other's necks over the A on a daily basis. <P>Dunno if this helped or not, but it's the best I've got.

My own opinion:<P>So long as we are openly communicating about our day to day lives and we continue to place eachother as our top priority--yes.<P>Love IS conditional in that sense. But you can't manipulate it. Real love doesn't manipulate. Real love loves, and can let go of control. <P>You really have no control over your spouse. Your actions can only influence.<P>But you're probably not there yet at two months to trust. It will take a while for that kind of trust to reemmerge. And even then you will have to learn how to communicate your fears and articulate your concerns with love(not the same as accusing or being suspicious).<P>For now you are probably doing what is right for you and your relationship with the James Bond gizmos. But you will eventually (in the future) have to let them go, one by one.<P>I'm talking Greek to you aren't I? But I'm in recovery. It does happen. But it takes time.<P>Aloha,<P>L

I agree with Leilana. Each time you give up on one of the methods of checking up on her, you will find out that you are trusting her more. For me, it was cell phone bills. It takes time. Also, if she doesn't know you are checking up on her, you are not being honest with her.

before i ever had the affair i watched a show on lifetime..tv for women (love that channel) and watched a couple talke about how he used to have affairs all the time.. and then ended up in one that "ended" their marriage for some time. That had all been like 7 yrs before. The wife said that you never gain that.."i completely" trust you attitude again. It is a cautious trust. As was said... trust enough to not be on each others backs constantly...daily...but NOT enough to go about life with out a spouse near by.<P>I went to Ks to see my sis and went alone. we went dancing for my birthday. I went with my bro in law and sister but my hsuband spent the night throwing up in fear. NOT that that would have changed anything..but his emotions were very torn up. I never danced with anyone nor accepted any drinks that were bought..... Gods honor....but when i got back... question city... as teh betraying spouse... i kind of feel that you helped bring on that insecurity, ya have to find out a way to fix that.<P>mercy