Hello,<BR> I have been married for almost 20 years,to my first love. Our marrige started to become rocky soon after. I have always felt lonely in our marriage and always found myself begging for his attention or time, he always has jobs that took him away from the home, as i struggled as a young bride of 17 and a mother of 16. I gave up who i was to become the devoted wife and mother despite his behavior towards me or lack of time he spent with me. I have always tried to be supportive and understanding, but not always patient and quite. I was just so miserable and fustrated in our marrige because he was never there or never gave me the attention i needed.Despite all this treatment I remained faithful.Hanging onto just words that he loved me. Now just a few short weeks before christmas i found out that he has cheeted on me several times during our 20 year marrige.I am really hurt and devistated over this, because of all the lectures he gave me about how i was always yelling at him, about this or that. When all the time it was him and he blamed me. Now that all this has come out in the open he appoligizes to me for cheeting and for blaming me for all our marital troubles. I am soo angry about it all. He cheeted on me, and his actions made me mad and i couldn't figure out why he treated me so badly,and then blamed me for the troubles,all because he was unfaithful.He wants our marrige to work. I really really do love him, but now i know he really never did love me. All of the sudden he says he does love me and wants to be faithful, but he says because of all my words, i have beat up his self esteem, and now he says he can't be affectionate to me or give me what it takes to make the marrige work, if i want the marriage to work then i have to just forgive , forget and go on,and stop making remarks or havinging and feelings over what he did.He says he shouldn't have to change a thing. He is still working away from the home, and i am still finding myself asking for his attention. I have decided that I want a seperation, i feel as long as he is still in the home , he has what he wants and needs and doesn't have to do anything to earn my , love, trsut or forgiveness, doesn't have to prove his love for me.I still go to bed at night feeling soo lonely and he is sleeping right next to me. He says if we get a seperation or divorce, he will move out and move on and never look back. This is where i say: if you love them set them free, if they come back it was ment to be, if not then it wasn't. It's just not right that I have to keep trying to make the marrige work when i did nothing wrong, I feel it is wrong that i have to live in a marrige with my needs unmet.While he continues to live like nothing happened. Why did he even tell me if he didn't plan on making it right??? He said he wanted to work on our marriage and before he could he needed to tell me what he has done. Well now that he did and feels better about himself for telling the truth, he is unwilling to make an effort, because of my mouth.I feel like i have been a kept wife, Kept in the dark!!! Any suggestions here would be most greatful as well as helpful.<BR>

Hi Rising Above:<P>Welcome to MB. I think you've come to the right place for help. <P>You've been in this marriage for a long time...wouldn't it be worth a little more time if you could make it into a marriage worth having. With that in mind, don't make any decisions right away...the hurt is too new. Take some time for yourself and familarize yourself with the MB principles. The common experiences you find here will give you insight into what you could do to begin to repair your marriage.<P>There is always room for improvement for both partners to a marriage...and before you make judgments about changes in your marriage...find out what you need to do to you to make you a better partner...and do it. Find out what ENs are not being met on both sides (and you H has indicated some areas to start with on his side,,.i.e. the yelling, lowered self-esteem, etc). Along the way you may find that your husband has noticed that change and becoming more willing to meet your EN needs too. <P>Please don't throw away this last chance to save your marriage...not all of us are given the chance...take it for us and run with it.<P><BR>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<BR>

Hi Rising Above and Welcome!!!<P>I like your name and would love to know how you came to choose it.....?<P>I was going to say what Buffy did...but she beat me to it!! (Hi Buffy - How are ya?)......so, I'll just 2nd it and add a few other thoughts.<P>My first thoughts when I read your post were.....WOW!!! Married so young and has 16 CHILDREN!!! With her husband working away from home so much? HOW STRONG IS THIS WOMAN? God Bless You!!!<P>HOW did/do you do it? My goodness....<P>Seems to me that you have a strength and fortitude of Herculean proportions. This is what will get you through this nightmare......that inner strength.<P>As stated, these revalations of your H's infidelities are very recent.....you need time to process all of this. What you are reacting with (anger, harshness, doubts, expectations of him, etc.) are all normal and to be expected, as your resentments come to the surface and your heart and head reel from the devastating shock and hurt of it all. <P>Take some time.....FEEL all that you need to feel...search for the TRUTH of your heart that is buried beneath the years of neglect and abandonment that you have felt and that now resides under this added weight of your husband's weaknesses.<P>DO NOT make any decisions.....certainly not any that have a permanance to them.<BR>Believe me - your emotions will ebb and flow for quite a while....and your thinking right along with them.<P>Although it is sad that so many years had to go by til this came to a head, I feel that you and your H FINALLY have the opportunity to learn about what love, marriage, partnership and family is REALLY about and how to TRULY create the environment needed to fulfill BOTH of your needs.....easily!!!<P>It begins with knowledge......<P>None of us are taught anything about love and marriage - not really!!! Sure we all see the movies or TV shows about the "perfect" couple or family.....about the "happily ever afters" or the "walking off into the sunset"....but not the stuff that happens to KEEP them happy and fulfilled and loving!! That's the part we need the most!!!<P>Some of us are lucky if we can get glimpses of the way it could be if we grow up in family environments that show us how to do things right.....but it is rare and even if there - doesn't necessarily give us "kids" a complete understanding of what is done behind the scenes!!<P>I say all of this because you are both scared.....have been, are and will be until you each have some understanding of what the heck is going on.....<P>He had fears which caused him to run to his own "things", then to lash out at you to avoid confronting his fear which was now compounded with his "thing".<P>You had your own fears going on and lashed out at him when either he didn't recognize his participation with you was needed or when he ignored it when you had to point it out.<P>Neither of you knew HOW to confront what the problems REALLY were.....not in a way that the other "got" it, anyway.<P>This site can teach you both soooo much.<BR>It can give you a plan....a direction.<BR>That can help to eliminate a great deal of fear and doubt.<P>From what you have written, it seems that your H truly wants to change the way the marriage has gone. You obviously do too. He may think that his being honest should create a clean slate. It doesn't.....but he may not know what else needs to be done or is afraid that your negativity towards him will never end.<P>Your harsh words are reactionary...to his behavior and seeming abandonment of you all these years......The affairs are an added kick in the pants to all that has come before.....making it so much worse for you and reinforcing your own fears......<P>You both want the same thing though...to recreate the marriage and to start a real "partnership". The first step is to find out HOW? <P>You BOTH CAN CHANGE!!<P>You BOTH CAN LEARN.....<P>You BOTH CAN Squelch each other's fears.<P>You just need some direction......<P>Please read the info on this site....understand how you both got here. Put yourselves in the other's shoes and find the compassion for each other's fears.<P>Yes, perhaps you may have to lead the way at first.....simply because you have found MB and have the knowledge first!!<P>I can guarantee that if you can heal enough to let go of whatever harshness comes from your "mouth" as you have written.....he will respond positively. He won't have a choice really because any changes we make.....create changes in the dynamics of the relationship. <P>You sound so frustrated....so tired and resentful of all that you have given. You need to do some "taking"...perfectly understandable!! AND perfectly ATTAINABLE if you start the ball rolling in the proper direction with the info given here.<P>We are here to help you (and H, too!!) though it all......<P>Time to start CREATING the marriage that you BOTH want.....it doesn't "just happen".....that's the secret that we never learn - that it has to be worked at and recreated by us as we grow through life.....<P>My thoughts and prayers to you both...oh, and to all those kids of yours that will be witnessing one heck of a life lesson if you both lead your family on this difficult, but truly remarkable re-creation of unity and partnership.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hello,<BR> I would just like to say that I realized i wrote it wrong when i said i had 16 children, I only have 3 children, I had my first child at 16. I was trying to say that I have been with this man since i was 14 and we had our first child when i was 16, and got married when i turned 17.Now having said that, I would like to respond to the comments. Alot of resentment i do have, It seems that i am always the one having to try, and to lead in the right direction. I have pointed out my husbands failures along the way in our marriage but not to hurt him or make him think he is a failure but to point out the problems so they can be solved. I didn't want any problem to come between us,I was told very young to communicate, communicate and communicate when there is a problem, point it out, reconize it, and solve it. My husband kept taking it the wrong way, he took it like he was a failure, and still does, I don't see him as a failure, I see him as a lonely, hurt,confused, scared individule, who needs alot of Love, guidence, support and encouragement.he is really a great man. there is a quality about him that just warms my heart. I see him struggling and I want to be there for him to help him, but I am filled with alot of hurt and resentment, and at this point I can't say the words of encouragement or any of the other words right now and mean them, all i feel is alot of pain, resentment, hurt, disgrace, and above all decieved. One of the ow was someone real close to me, and i feel so disgraced knowing she knows my husband intimitaly, and i cannot even face her. I think that if i stay married to my husband , i am saying i know all about it and I accept it. well it is not alright and I do not accept it, but by me staying with my husband that is how she is seeing it. Please lend advise if you can... I have been praying about this since i first found out. My husband wants me to get over this quickly, and I am trying real hard, and it is disappointing me that I am constantly reminded of it. Ps. I chose this name Rising Above because i know that God will allow me to rise above this eventually, but in his time not mine.

Hi Again, Rising Above,<P>I just knew that you would have such wonderful reasoning for the name choice!! You sound like a beautiful soul.....Have Faith!!<P>I am kinda glad about the typo about the number of children....you had me feeling REALLY inadequate!!! LOL!!! You sounded so "together" for someone hit with this so recently....and here I was so "not together" at the beginning of mine - with 0 kids!!!! I feel better now, thanks!!!<P>I am on the way to bed, but am glad that I was here long enough to see this...will write more tomorrow, but wanted to leave you with these thoughts.......<P>I understand how you feel about one of the OW's being someone close to you...how awful to realize that you have been betrayed by her too!!! AND you have.....SHE betrayed you - you did NOTHING to her!! This woman is the one who loses face here....not you. PLEASE try to reason this through. YOU are the person whose DIGNITY was/is/and shall be intact!!!! You did not invade her life or cheapen her in any way. She will be seen for HER ACTIONS. They do not reflect upon YOU!!!<P>Her thinking need not play any part in how you choose to live....how YOU choose to develop your own SOUL....she has blackened hers with this - you HAVE NOT!!!! Please do not give her power over who you are or what you do! Then you would cheapen who you are - in your own eyes.<P>WE took vows with our spouses. We chose to when we knew there would be good and bad times.....This is a VERY bad time. But we knew there would be, right?<P>So - how could it be construed that if we choose to heal and grow for ourselves and the people we love, instead of throwing them away for society's selfish trend....we are weak? It can't be if you look deeper than the fast-paced, selfishness being demonstrated in the world today. This is only following our vows....what we promised to do. <P>The ones who expect anything less are the ones who should feel shame....<P>You cannot control what people think. All you can do is what is right and good for yourself and your loved ones. I don't think that you want this woman dictating how your behavior should be, especially cuz she apparently can't control her own very well - now can she?<P>She is insignificant to your soul's path.....don't stray because of her (or anyone else)!!! Be true to YOU!!!<P>And even better, say some prayers that she may find her path again some day so she is not so lost......so turned away from her own goodness that is in there someplace.<P>She is not a friend....she is not a friend to herself even. It's sad.<P>OK, enough on that.....<P>So, you know that communication is very important....big understanding to have already under your belt!! Perhaps some tuning of the skills can allow you to relate it to H in a way that he doesn't take offense to and would bolster his self image. That comes later.....right now you just plain hurt.....you can't save or protect or smooth things for the moment. <P>It's OK....give yourself a break. You've just gotten slammed in the gut. It will take a while.<P>Sounds like H didn't learn to much about communication, eh? What was his family life like? We are all reflections of that.......<P>Most WS's want to sweep it all under the rug as some point.....don't be too alarmed that he wants you to just forget it and be over it. He would feel better, but it would be devastating to the marriage he says he wants to "try" to rebuild....<P>Hopefully, he will understand this in time.<P>Is it possible for you to do a counselling call with either Steve or Jennifer Harley? They could direct you and help with your pain so effectively.<P>It is also a great way to get aid without the intimidation factor of a face-to-face encounter with a counselor that your H would probably balk at.<P>Read around some....soak it in as your pain works through......try to explain that you need to process these emotions to your H (it's healthy) and ease up on the harshness directed at him...you know that he has issues and none of this was done to specifically hurt YOU, but more to make HIMSELF feel whatever he needed at the moment.<P>Of little consolation at this time to you I know.....but there truly was no harmful intent aimed at YOU on purpose. He was blinded by his own fears and/or needs at the time and ten-to-one all thoughts of you and the kids were wiped out of his mind during it.<P>BIG HUGS and gotta go to sleep,<P>Sheba <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited January 12, 2001).]

Rising Above,<P>I know how you feel because I too am married to the first only only person I'd know intimately.(for 24 yrs.) Your story sounded like it could have been written by me. I know the loney feeling and the craving for any attention thrown my way. I too had kids early and I guess I threw myself into the caring of my family to fill the loneliness I was feeling. I was the devoted wife and mother giving totally to them. And while I wouldn't change a thing about being completely there for my family, I do regret that I totally neglected my own happiness and needs. My advise is don't give up on your marriage. You've got a lot of history there and if you look back objectively I think you'll find there were a lot of good times. As far as knowing the OW well, I too knew the OW. I talked with her frequently on the phone since she was my H's secretary. I even was sending magazines to her(via my H)to read on her long train commute and unknowingly was still doing this while she was having a physical & emotional affair with H. Being betrayed by two people you know is hard. I wish I had advice for you on how to get over this hurt but I'm still working on that myself.<P>Start making YOU happy and taking care of YOU. You deserve it!! It took me a long time to realize this. Best of luck. My thoughts will be with you.<BR>

Hello,<BR> Just need to vent for awhile. It has been almost a month now since my husband confessed to me. Nothing has changed, he is still gone all the time, I am still lonely, and hurt. The only good thing out of this is that I am no longer confused about his behavior towards me,now i know why there has been distance. I just can't figure out why there STILL is distance, did he tell me the whole truth, is he seeing someone else? I don't know and there is no way for me to find out. I will be set up to take the fall once again. He can continue to cheat on me and i will never know, I think this is the hardest part for me.I also think he is still up to something, because he hasn't made any attempts to change his behavior towards me.The only thing that is changing is his temper towards me. He is getting upset because i still haven't gotton over it, I keep wanting to talk about it..or as he says keep reminding him of it, that i am holding onto it and i won't let go, that i will hold this over head for the rest of our lives if we stay together, and he told me that if i continue to bring it up or hold it over his head he will not stay.This really upsets me, because he will not let me process my pain, I can't talk about it or he will leave. This angers me because he thinks he is some kind of prize to me, I cheat on you, tell you about it,and am willing to stay married to you because i love you if you can't handle it and get over it then i will leave. Now this confuses me, makes me feel like he doesn't love me, I don't know rather i am coming and going. I tell you if i didn't have little ones to take care of, I would have left already!!!Not because i don't love him, but because of what he is not doing to repair our relationship. We are also going through an extreamly difficult financial situation, not knowing if there will be a roof over our heads tomorrow, ect... he has chose to not handle the problem but go to work. Work is all he can do it makes him feel good about himself.I understand that but what good is having a job, if you cannot manage your money, what good is it to have a wife and family if you cannot give them the attention they need? What do I do in this situation, everybody says to take care of yourself , make yourself happy, well that can't happen , but the financial part comes before me and my problems according to my husband.So now what? I do not work, I am a stay at home mom, with three kids who have tourettes, I can't afford to go to work, I stay at home and homeschool them. If i did go to work, how would my children get an education, who would watch them or educate them for me, and i would only make minimum wage and most of that would go to the daycare provider & educator. H makes too much money for me to even consider getting a job, and abandoning my childrens needs.This is all so hard to deal with ANY SUGGESTIONS OR POINTERS IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION?....Just needed to vent for awhile...