RICK, WAT, I expect you to jump to this one. Don't dissapoint me. <P>FIL was hospitalised few days ago and had surgery (scheduled) this Wednesday. I call MIL every day to ask how is he doing, sometimes offer help if needed, and sometimes just make sure she knows I'm available if she needs me. We have normal conversation, although I always feel a bit uncomfortable, having in mind all blame they put on me for this situation and H's suicide attempt, and especially all those nasty and ruthless words they threw right in my face (MIL, FIL, one of BILs). I have hard time let it go, it hurt me undiscribably. <P>Since H&I started coming together again at their place (NY day dinner, some Sunday lunches, BIL's farewell ...) they all act as if nothing happened, but they're also not bothered with this present On/Off situation bertween H&me. Take it as perfectly normal if D&I leave after some time, and H stays with them. I never said a single word, never asked for explanation. Very soon I became aware it's pointless, but it doesn't mean hurt is taken away. Just decided to play their game. <P>My question is, am I too pushy? I mean, when it comes to them, I want to show them I'm no different as to who I was all those married years, it's true me; I always did my best to be good DIL, take care of them and show I respected them. On the other hand, I'm afraid my acts may be interpreted as attempt to impose myself and keep my position, or attempt to win my H back the other way around. <P>When H&I dated and when first married, they showed quite openly they can't stand me. But, through years, our communication became polite and somehow normal. Can't say with mutual respect, it was one-sided, and I well know they actually never accepted me. <P>Only this situation after H's suicide attempt pulled out all hate they actually had for me, but managed to hide under surface. Most likely they were shocked too, and had to find scapegoat, I was available and more than suitable, so perhaps I should discount their words, which I cannot do with my pain. <P>Would it be better if I just stop calling her and exchange only few polite words when/if I see her? I know my H is extremely sensitive to his parents, so if I seize communication it could be LB for him.<P><BR>Adrian

OK, I'll jump in. From what you say, I would suggest that you are just being a caring person, and also a big person, because you call MIL despite knowing what they think about you. That takes a so-called big person to do.<P>I wouldn't change a thing. I don't think they should see it as being pushy or imposing yourself. And if anyone thinks that you continue to see them in part to win H back, so what. Part of you wanting to win him back could include doing your best with his family. I see nothing wrong with that. You are really just doing like you said...being a good DIL, and what more can they ask for?<P>Finally, the coles notes version - you are standing tall and not being petty. Let them think what they want and just be a good DIL.<P>I'm just one opinion, so see what else arrives.<P>What is the latest with H and OW?<P>

Adrian - I'm with Rick. Do what you normally would do - nothing more, nothing less. You're on the moral high ground here and are acting rationally. Don't stoop to a lower level.<P>WAT

Rick, WAT, <P>thanks guys. Yep, my analitical mind. Deep inside, I know I'm doing right, and it's not just out of courtesy. I do care for them and I always wanted to. But no matter what I did, I was never good enough. I mean, they never changed their picture of me - cold b**** who caught their poor son with a child. MIL has 3 sons, no Ds, does it ring the bell? Common story. <P>In general, they are not bad people, just unable to understand children grow up and one day they should have their own families. They cannot make decisions for them and protect them all their life. Whoever comes to the family is intruder, or, as they say, "you're not our's". <P>Regarding H and OW, Rick, I don't know. I wish I know more. Nov 1st she was transferred to another job position in the opposite part of the town, close to her apartment (still same company, but another division). She was on quite long sick leave, form mid Oct till (supposedly) 15 Dec due to some ovaria disorders, even scheduled for surgery (don't know was it exploratory surgery or a real one). So, she might still be on sick leave. Good thing is, when having such disorder, it's difficult to conceive without med. assistance (at least it takes time for therapy). Well, seems I have one problem less on my chest if it turned to PA. <P>But, she lives next block to BIL's place (H lives there now), so, if they want, they can be together quite often. I have no control over that, and I stopped snooping some time in September. Just couldn't do it any more, hurt too much. He spends lot of time either with BILs, parents or us, so I don't see much time left for OW. Besides, he spent Christmas and NY with us. Don't know. I try to make myself believe his word told 10 days ago ("Four months ago, if you forced me to choose, I'd call it quits, but now I'm trying to save what can be saved. I'm doing this for us.")...and just give him more time. Maybe, just maybe, this is withdrawal phase. This week he didn't come over, but called at least once a day till Wed. Now, again two days of no contact. I bet he feels guilty or ashamed b/c of this aunt thing (again). Remember two weeks of no-contact when he knew I read aunt's e-mail to OW? <P>Oh, enough rambling. Thanks once more for your help. This site keeps me sane. <P>Adrian<P>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited January 12, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited January 12, 2001).]