Dear Friends<P>This board is a blessing! I com here regularly to vent and share my feelings in a safe place. But most of all I come here to learn from your experiences. I always feel "better off" after I have read here<P>In brief, H is back in the A (two years down the track!); he is tired, depressed, confused<BR>and non communicative about what is happening. I constantly thinnk about and plan ways of bringing all this "unfinished business" to closure but i have promisd myself that I will always come here for a second opinion before taking any significant action. it helps a lot.<P>My problem right now is that i dont really know whether i am into Plan A or plan B thinking. We separated mid November. I moved out after he told me he was leaving because "too much has been done and said for us to ever recover" - just after we had had 8 weeks of "good times" together but no recovery plan in place and no intimacy. i let this limbo land develop to try and give him time and space to adjust to us just being together as he requested. In other words I Plan A'd like crazy and he was keeping his options open.<P>I sent him a plan B letter but didnt follow through; we spent christmas apart but, at his instigation, spent NY together. Subsequently his behaviour is nothing less than erratic. Sometimes he contacts me 2/3 times a day; other times i dont hear at all for 2/3 days. I never intiate contact with him. Sometimes he is on top of the world - other times he is very "down"; and, i am much the same although seemingly very much more in charge of my life and enjoying it. he invites me to do things with him (including an o'night visit interstate)and I respond to depending on whether it is something i want to do or not; we next have plans for my birthday later this month. <P>I am back "snooping" again - its how I found out A was in swing again - and tonight saw on his e-mail that he had accepted an invitation to a 3 day event in May, and had included me in the arrangements. i thin he includes me where it is "public" and involves old colleagues/friends - and continues the A "in secret". <P>I am tired of "playing games" Sometimes I want to reinvoke Plan B and at others I decide to keep on plan A'g... Right now i have an e-mail and a voice message from H telling me he is "at home" and what his movements are for the following week. Maybe i should continue at a hybrid plan B/Plan A until the end of the month which is when we have planned to talk/review the situation.<P>I do know that i am vacilating and as inconsistent as he is right now and dont feel that is very constructive for us or for me. I guess I am just going to sleep on it for now but sure would like your comments.<P>thankyou<P>R

Rosie - I think you Plan A until you get to the point again of not being able to continue. Of course, only you can make that call. Sounds like he's still undecided so my gut says stay in Plan A.<P>WAT

Dear Rosebrook,<P>Do you think that when you moved to your "kind of" plan B that it had any positive effect on him? How about on you? It seems like when you started to pull away from him more, he has reached out more to you and tried to pull you back at least to the place where he feels secure again. Maybe you need not to let him get you back to that place so easily.<P>I do not pretend to know the answer to your question. I'm just trying to raise some questions for you. I know that when I have pulled back and seemingly let go a little in the last couple of months, H has seemed to come towards me. I have quickly met him, probably more than half way and that is what I now regret. I wish I had remained harder to catch, so to speak.<P>I know this sounds like games, but courtship is a game in a way and Dobson in "Love Must be Tough" makes a good case for not being too easily caught. It is harder to fall back in love with someone that is begging for your love.<P>Having read this again, I'm sure I've just muddied the waters for you more, but hope I given you something to think about.