I read OffOnOnOff's post about telling his W that he might want to leave, and thought, "Gee, how many times have *I* wanted to leave?" It's now a year and 18 days past D-Day; H ceased contact with the XOW on August 8, 2001. He'll work on the marriage and make amends when he feels the need to, but I get the idea that he just wants to sweep it under the rug for the most part and move on. <P>Of course I too want to move on, but I still don't have resolution, and I still hurt a lot from time to time. But the most disturbing thing is that I no longer have the desire to make the marriage work. I'm so far deep into apathy that it really wouldn't matter if H started seeing the XOW again, or anyone else for that matter. It really wouldn't matter if he lied, as long as the bills got paid and he was civil to me. I don't *feel* like getting close to him anymore; I don't feel *anything* for him anymore. I once wanted to have children with this man, but now ... it's not even a thought in my head ... in fact, I'm repulsed by the idea. Will the rest of my life be this uneventful and "blah?" The strange part of this was that when I first found out about the EMR, I felt positive that he would want to work on the marriage, and, seeing how much the EMR hurt me, he would feel nothing but compassion and empathy and remorse.<P>Well, he eventually did feel all of those things, but sometimes I wonder if it's a little bit too late. He told me too late, kept too many secrets for too long, and continues to defend this. Should I be telling him how I feel? Sure, I should. But he'd only get upset and angry and blame me for bringing it up, and tell me that it's my problem and I needed counseling for it (or that I should get over it). My feelings are that I can bring it up and get grief or just shut up ... it's easier to just keep quiet and keep the peace and just stay to myself as much as possible.<P>Has any BS gone through something similar, when you just didn't feel like trying anymore and you just detached from it all? It's painless, but I would like some happiness in my life.<P>mmpm

Belldandy,<P> I still love my H very much and I want my marriage to work, but I feel exactly like you in every other way. I feel like he wants to just forget it. I still hurt over one area of the A, and that is all of the things he said to her and never to me. I would give anything for him to say those things to me. My H wants to work on it when he feels like it to. He can`t seem to grasp the aspect of working on it everyday. I don`t feel that H is remorseful or compassionate towards me. I think he feels like he is doing me a favor by staying. Boy is he barking up the wrong tree. I wish I had great words of wisdom for both our sakes, but the truth is, I don`t even know how to help myself. Hopefully we can help each other.

Yes, I know exactly how you feel. If I try to tell my h how I feel, my fears, why I'm having a bad moment/day/week, I'm accused of "bringing it up yet again." I feel like I'm in an emotional prison. I have this great anger in me and when a little gets out, we all suffer. I know it's in the past and I have forgiven him yet at times these memories of the past, words spoken that are horrific, and occasionally the thought comes to me, "you crazy fool, what are you doing? Get rid of the man." When they come it's like I need to vomit them out but I can't. I can't wait to go to work to get away from it all. I asked my daugther yesterday if she ever thinks, "If people knew what I live with at home they would be amazed that I'm functioning." She said yes she does.<P> My h is in counselling and it's worse. He comes home either drunk or so emotionally insane that we're afraid. Last Friday night my daughter and I stayed in a motel for peace. He'll be home soon from another session and I dread it like I can't describe. It has gotten so bad that I'm cutting myself to relieve the pain. I know the Lord doesn't give anyone more than they can handle. I think He's giving me the limit.<P>I'm getting past the point of "shutting up and having peace." This volcano has had eruptions and is about the explode. It's almost as if it was better when he was with xow. Isn't that horrible to say. I'm just so tired, sick, and frustrated that I'm giving up too. I think that moving on and living alone would be better.

ilovehim: Why does that have to be that one thing that really sticks? My point of contention is that my H sent the XOW a blind copy of all of the emails I sent to him. Of course, he always sent her the emails where I was in a bad mood and pushing him to make a decision and the ones where I was very upset. I remember how he used to "bait" me with provocative emails in order to get me to blow up. And this XOW ... this is the only thig that he sent her - not his end of the emails. Huh? This is a woman that I didn't even know and will never meet. I know that we had problems. But I would never stoop so low as to forward his email to someone else for analysis. If he wanted to lie to her, fine ... but I still feel as though I've been violated in the worst possible way.<P>AM Hurt: I'm sorry you are in such a difficult place. It sounds as if there is no peace for you. Do you know for sure if the EMR has ended? How old is your daughter? BTW - PLEASE don't cut yourself! I remember that when I used to get very angry, I would scratch myself down my arms and back until I bled. I felt such emotional and spirtual pain, I felt that I had to feel physical pain as well. It was not healthy for me at all - all I got was a bunch of bloody clothes. <P>Thanks for your input. I wish I could say that I love my H in the way that a W should love her H. I'm not sure if I ever will. And I'm not talking about being "in love" - I'm talking about simply loving him in the way that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him. Right now, it wouldn't matter if he were here or back with XOW. The ambivalence is what scares me the most.<P>belld

He shared your e-mails with her? That's disgusting. I always hate it when my h tells his friends what I say. He forgets to mention I was in great anger and hurt and also what he said beforehand to prompt me. I've grown to hate these men and I know that is wrong. It is not their fault but they make judgments without hearing both sides of the story.<P>I was always in fear that my h would bring ow into our home. He never did and told me he never even considered it but how could I know. When they're into it, there is no sense to their behavior. <P>The two times I've talked with her, she wanted to tell me all that was wrong with me. I've never met nor do I ever want to meet that person. Why would anyone take advice from an adulterer, liar, neglectful wife and mother? <P>According to him, she's not contacted him in several weeks-voice mails and cards in the past. I still don't trust him and I never will. She won't leave him alone-"no contact" conversations followed with letters won't stop her She talks in his voice mail about "vibes" she gets from him and that he needs her. She follows him. It's maddening.<P>This on top of his drinking problems, intimacy problems, my very poor health and a daughter who is very hurt and angry. I just have had enough....