i feel sick. i've been posting in this forum under another name for a long time and i'm too ashamed to face you guys but i need help.<P>my h and i are in recovery from his affair. we went out with a mutual female friend of his last weekend and we all got extremely drunk. the next thing i know my h says that this other girl expressed a lot of interest in both of us and wanted to know if we could have a three way. i said yes. i don't know what i was thinking at the time, but it sounded erotic to me i hate to admit it. so we did it.<P>i regret what i did. i am so angry at my h but he says if you didn't want to do it than why did you say yes? i can't answer that because i did. even though i was quite inebriated, i knew what i was doing. but now i can't stop picturing him with her, even though i was there too. i'm worried about their relationship now, that they will continue a sexual relationship. this is a mess, please help. i know it was wrong now, and i'm having to live with the consequences.

You knew this person also? What was their relationship before this? Did she know of his affair? <P>I wish I could offer some words of comfort to you or advice but I can't. I don't want to beat you up, I'm sure you're doing a good job of it already. <P>Bless your heart, I just sit here and shake my head. <BR>

We are responsible for our own actions.<P>That said, it sounds like you were set up.<P>If your H and this "friend" planned this and encouraged you to drink with them, then at least in my mind, that is even worse.<P>Taking advantage of someone under the influence by getting them to do something that they would not do sober is horrible. Shame on them.<P>

I think alot of the time there is alot of sexual experimentaion that goes along with an affair... <P>I read on the OW board sometimes and it is quite common for them to be asked to do a 3some.<P>Is that part of the need for affairs... needing something new sexually?<P>I am sorry you feel badly, I hope you didn't feel that you needed to do this as sort of an emotional blackmail.. keep him satified at any cost. Can you go to counseling by yourself or with your H? I hope you can explore your feelings about this and recover.<BR>Lora

First and foremost...we all make mistakes...sometimes huge ones. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take a deep breath and relax. Let's look at the current situation...Are you angry with your husband for suggesting it? Is most of your anger because you feel stupid for letting it happen? Is it based on the fear that you see this relationship of theirs becoming another affair (which you feel like you helped initiate)? Have you communicated to him your worries about it continuing? I think the obvious next question is...is there any chance that your husband and this friend had planned this before hand? I don't mean to cause any unjustified suspicion, but you must look at all angles here. Also, and certainly not to make this any less serious than it is, but threesomes are not all that uncommon. If two of the three are a couple, than they must be fully trusting of each other. I would have to say that this is probably not a good thing for a couple trying to recover from an affair. When alcohol is allowed to make the decisions, they are usually the wrong ones. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lecturing you at all...never would. I think, at this point there should be a ton of communication going on between you and your husband about this. Express all of your concerns to him, let him know exactly what you are feeling, ask all of the questions that you need to. Let him express his concerns and feelings as well. Hopefully there are some others on this board that can add their insight and wisdom on this one. I'll be watching this one...hang in there.<BR>-Arik

if i mention how we know this woman, you would know who i am. i will tell you that she and my h knew each other first due to a mutual environment, but she was always very friendly with me. they haven't known each other long, but i now notice that he's been calling her a lot lately. every time i've come home this week her number has been on redial. she called yesterday and left a message that said to h "hi, this is *****, i heard that you tried to call me a few times yesterday. either you or [ashamed] give me a call and let me know everything's okay." she's always sounded just as happy to talk to me as she was him.<P>i don't know if i was setup or not. i know that he's always wanted to have a threesome but after we got married he said he didn't because of the pain and jealousy it would cause. i was drunk yes but not to the point to where i didn't know what i was doing. less inhibited, yes i was. we all kept pushing the envelope until it got way out of hand. h was as drunk as i have ever seen him. i don't think it was premeditated, but my h certainly didn't do anything to prevent it from happening, and he didn't act disappointed about where things went.<P>no lora, i didn't do it because i felt i needed to. i'm not a weak person and i'll stand up for myself in a heartbeat. alcohol, curiosity, the setting, and the situation created the atmosphere. trust me it will never happen again. counseling is not possible right now but i did receive a job offer two states away which i'm thinking of accepting.<P>arik, my biggest worry is that another affair will develop if it hasn't already. and i feel like an idiot because i played a part in making it possible. i know that if we would have stayed sober that day none of this would have happened. h even says that he was drunk and stupid that night. as a betrayed spouse prior, i'm not totally ruling out that they may have planned this, but i don't think in a million years my h thought that i would go along with it. i'm going to talk to him later tonight.<P>plus, the fact that i actually slept with another woman along with my h is horrifying to me. i never, never, never have been interested in that other than in movies. i love men, and don't like most women. that part is very difficult to deal with morally.<p>[This message has been edited by afraidtofaceyouguys (edited January 12, 2001).]

Well, you guys made a drunken mistake, but at least you made it together. You need to share your feelings of guilt and misgivings with your H, and tell this third party that you both regret it, and it has become an issue in your marriage, and while you don't blame her and harbor no anger toward her, she needs to get out of your life for a long while, that means no phone calls, emails, or xmas cards next year.<P>You need to nip this in the bud.<P>Hang in there,<P>Mike

I agree with Mike. She needs to be out of both of your lives. Completely. Your H should understand that. If it is making either one of you uncomfortable then it should never happen again.<BR>take care of yourself.<BR>cleo

I think that you should 1) talk to her about how this all felt to you and make it clear that you do not want it to happen again. That it was an experiment, but you do not plan to do it again. Also make sure you tell her that YOUR H is off limits from now on. The experiment is OVER!<P>Then do the same for your H. Tell him the same thing. Then go on to set the boundary between him and her. The experiment is over!<P>Make sure to tell him your marital recovery, that is coming along so nicely, depends on the fact. <P>Then promptly take him to a boutique and have him pick something out he would like to see YOU in, and reinforce that sex is good in monogamy!!! <P>And most of all forgive yourself!

{{{{{{{{{Afraid}}}}}}}}}}}}!<P>I think we have all done things that we wish we had never, ever done. It is a sick, stomach-flipping feeling sometimes to ponder our mistakes. I know you feel absolutely horrible. <BR>I would just hug you, hold you, and let you know that you are ok, and nothing is beyond God's love and forgiveness.<P>Rockaway, a.k.a Pilgrim

ATFYG,<P>Somehow that name just doesn't abbreviate very well. <P>I read you post and have thought a bit about it. It has been said that alcohol like hypnosis will not make you do things you do not want to do, but they will reduce your inhibitions to do things you want to do, but know you shouldn't.<P>Sounds about right doesn't it? I am not going to beat on you at all, nor am I going to try and figure out who you are. From my end of the computer screen you and your H along with this woman did what you wanted to do. Period, end of story. Was it right or wrong. You tell me. <P>From what you have posted about the way you feel it was wrong for you and it was wrong for your H. So I would strongly suggest that you and H have several long disucssions. About this event specifically, about your deep and well founded concerns of him having another affair, and how to address this issue in a manner that is acceptable to both of you.<P>Maybe now that both of you have tasted of the <BR>"forbidden fruit", you will be able to communicate openly with each other. This is definitely not the recommended way to share needs or time with your spouse, but perhaps it can be turned into something positive. <P>A marriage on the mend.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL<P>

: <B>Deut</B> sneakily posting under <B>Dylan</B>'s user name as he can't remember his own password : <P><I>"...plus, the fact that i actually slept with another woman along with my h is horrifying to me. i never, never, never have been interested in that other than in movies. i love men, and don't like most women. that part is very difficult to deal with morally."</I><P>Well I for one don't think this part of it is worth beating yourself up over. How this episode is going to affect your marriage/recovery I am in no way qualified to say, but IMHO the two of you willingly tried something new and kinky together. Nobody was coerced or hurt and now that you've tried it and decided it's not for you... well there ya go. You tried it and it's not for you. <P>:: stepping off small soapbox ::<P>deut

I agree with Deut. I sincerely hope that it doesn't cause trouble in your recovery efforts, but I would not beat yourself up over the fact that it happened. It did happen, you know how you feel about it now. We all do things that we feel sick about later. Take it as a lesson and focus on other things. Like you've already been told, this is a common fantasy, and it does become reality more than you might think.<P>Express your feelings to your H and you'll feel better after a bit of time passes. Things you regret usually become less pronounced with a bit of time. Take care.<P>

OK, stop with the ashes and sack-cloth stuff now.<P>You all got loaded, you all did some experimenting, you all got sober and are looking at it a bit differently now. <P>You've decided that it isn't at all good for you or your marriage, and you in all likelihood won't try it again. <P>And you really don't feel that it was a "set-up' between your H and your friend.<P>Enough already. It wasn't a "carte-blanche" invitation for your H to get involved with other women. Tell him that. Tell HER that, too.<P>And stop psycho-analyzing yourself to death. You all got drunk and wacko at a difficult time in your life, and you did something way out of character,and you won't in all likelihood be doing it again. Make that clear, and stay sober.

I agree with cheerleader, Pick up the pieces and move on.

Everyone makes mistakes in their lives. It's how we choose to move forward that's important. I think if both you and your H acknowledge that this was a big mistake and only happened because you were drunk, then my advice would be to not dwell on it.<P>We all care for you, even though we don't know who you are. You are in my prayers that you and your H will work through this and continue building your marriage.....

Sorry, no advice here.<P>But my h has talked about wanting something like this for a long time...I have lightly told him it would have to be with another guy, that shut him up...<P>One of the benefits of this forum is how much we learn from each other...please help me understand what I may be up against if I give in...<P>

afraidtofaceyouguys, <P>Your situation remeinds me so much of a story in "Love Must Be Tough" from James Dobson. If you haven't read it, I suggest you get the book. A lady was in recovery from her husband's affair. In an effort to win back his love, she agreed to bring another woman in their bed because that is what he desired. She thought maybe that he would see her as a lover again in a new light.<P>Well, what happened to you is the same that happened to her. Overwhelming shame enveloped her. Her spirit was crushed. How could she let happen, what happened? I'm sure you are feeling much the same way. Our collective hearts go out to you. We can only imagine what you are feeling. <P>That woman wrote a letter to her husband about her feelings. She told him she regretted allowing herself to fall into the trap he had set for her. I don't remember the whole letter but it was very well written. I'm sure it captures many of the things you feel right now. <P>I have to agree that your husband was the architect of that encounter. Yes, you did agree and we are responsible for our actions, but a real man would never ask his wife to do such a thing. And for him to KNOW you are drunk and ask, leads me to believe he was seeking to fullfill his own twisted fantasies at your expense. To comprise your own integrity is one thing, but to pull some down with you, well, that simply evil.<P>You can't undo what happened; but you can move forward and grow from what happened. <P>To thine ownself be true.<P>God Bless, <P>SHA

SHA,<P>I agree except that it may not have been exactly premeditated.<P>While my h has mentioned off and on how it might be to try a threesome, following his A he was more "out there" for lack of a better term.<P>He asked me to do something else that had no moral connotations but was something I was uncomfortable with. I gave in thinking OW had done this for him. Lo and behold she had said no. It was unfair and insensitive of him...<P>But then again, once he opened the door to his fantasies and sin by having an A, there were many residual effects. He would continually look at young women right in front of me and the kids; he had never been like that.<P>afraidtofaceyouguys,<P>My request was sincere for munition to say no. I too have a curiosity about such things so don't beat yourself up too much.<P>You need to sort out your reasons for going along with it and be honest with your h. Given how you feel, I don't think contact with the OP is appropriate. And you will want to give some thought to avoid getting sucked in to anything again. I personally don't get drunk, never have. But if I did, it would be in the privacy of my home; no driving, no other people.

Dear ATFYG,<P>I want you to know that you are a wonderful person. What happened to you is simply an error in judgment. What you do now, with this experience behind you and the information and feelings of regret, is what is most important. You had a learning experience, thats all it was. And you now know it's not right for you and your H to participate in this kind of thing, but most of all you came here to get support and help.<P>Be proud of yourself for having the courage and wisdom to post a very personal and sensitive experience. Please don't beat yourself up for it, it's done and you learned something from it.<P>I can tell from your words that you are a caring and very empathetic woman, a person that would stand up for others and be a true friend, a person with a conscience.<P>What's done is done, forgive yourself, learn from it, move on and be happy.<P>With much Love,<BR>Jo<P>