If this computer bumps me off again, I'm really gonna lose it!I'm going to write this, but amist the stream of tears because I can't stop. Just an hour ago I was baking cookies...go figure. I tried to go to sleep but I just can't...so my dear friends, I turn to you. You are the lucky ones who get to here me complain and feel sorry for myself, because thats all I feel it is. I see so many people moving on...why can't I???? I'll even answer that, because I can't understand why...<BR>Why did he do it? He knew what it would do to me and he did it over and over again!!!!How does a person find the need so great to do something to someone they have professed their love to before God???I cannot and don't think I will ever understand this...<P>He will never know how much he hurt me...simply because he has never experienced this in his life...and although I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy...I wish it upon him...and even that hurts me!!!!!<P>I will go on in our life...probally with him because I do love him...God help me I do...but he hurt me so much...and I will never forget that. He has assigned this to me for the rest of my life. He, the person who was supposed to protect me...<P>I have realized that if I did decide to move forward without him, this would still be with me. I will never trust again, not like I trusted him with my love and my heart. I could never give that to another again. And I will not give up my half of my life with my children due to his inability to keep his pants up. I do not want to miss out on every other weekend of my childrens lives because of this and I will not let another woman enter their lives and care for them. I know it sounds selfish, but like I said, this is all from the heart. I don't think I have ever been this honest, not even with myself...<P>I have calmed down now...sorry for the post...I need to submit it, simply typing it is not enough...<P><BR>

Hey, I know just how you feel. can't write more need a nap. just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Sing..thank you for the support...but here I go again...<P>this is to him... can't you see that I'm bleeding inside...even when everything seems okay...if you sense something is wrong you ask "What set you off?" and I know you don't mean it in a bad way...but don't you understand that nothing has to set me off?<P>I just want to look into your eyes and feel the love for you I once had, and now I look at you, and can't even look into your eyes...and I know you see this too...<P>again sorry for the post but I can't say it to him, but can I say it to my friends?<P>P.S. I just went to bed and layed there thinking, as I was listening to him peacefully sleeping..."He has no idea what I've been thru tonite!"<P>P.S.S.another thought: How can I ever believe he ever needed me in the way that I still need him. I would love for him to help me right now...but he has never needed anything in his life as much as I need him now. I really feel that if we were to split right now he would not do this again, because of the pain he has seen me go thru, and he has only seen half of it. He would LEARN from ME to love right for the next...God does that hurt...I have to shut off my computer now...my head hurts too much... <P>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited January 13, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited January 13, 2001).]

Hi,<BR>I'm sitting at home alone somewhere in the South West suburbs of Paris, France, feeling the same way.<BR>You are not alone, I am trying to get by thinking about how I can make life happier for my wife and family after badly screwing up in the past.<BR>I know all those feelings, going to bed and wanting so much to talk, and my wife wanting to avoid the questions and wanting to sleep.<BR>She manages to sleep, good for her.<BR>But never will she understand the pain in my heart and soul. I'm sick and tired feeling this way, it's not self pity, there's something pleasurable and gratifying in self-pity, none of that here I'm afraid.<BR>All there is, is misery and darkness.<BR>I feel for you.<BR>Please be kind to yourself,<BR>Steve E.

I have felt every single thought you wrote and I would guess most other BS have too. There is nothing fair or right about these situations. What makes it worse for many of us is that not only has our WS hurt us in ways that are indescribable, they don't want to even acknowledge it because they can't handle their own guilt or aren't willing to give up the OP.<P>I don't know all your details, but even though this is the unfairest thing to ask of a BS, you have to be the one that is strong if you want to save your marriage and make it better. So get that anger and pain out as often as you need to -- talk to friends/family, post here, write in a journal. Then figure out who you want to be as a person and wife and then plan how to get there. And then plan A until the cows come home in the hopes that H will turn the corner and someday realize, at least at some level, the pain and destruction he has caused and want to help you get over that.<P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.

NGU<P>I am really worried about you. Did you ever see the Dr. about meds? have you found a counselor? You really need to get busy working on yourself. To find yourself and regain your lost confidence and peace of mind. You must tell your H about your feelings. To forgive is the only way back to love. It does take time, though. He must account himself to you and do all in his power to return you to a happy CONTENTED wife, have him watch the kids while you go out and join a club, or get a message, or take a class, find a group support meeting...Please focus on you and dont' be afraid to do what you need to do. You are a wonderful human being. Worthy of love and trust and happiness. It will return to you, look inside of you for your inner stregth. <P>I really know what you mean when you feel these things. I am feeling that way myself today.(Last 3 days actually) My h is going off to Chicago. I know he is going to see her and he lies, lies, lies. He says she couldn't come. Right. After not sleeping together since Oct? I think not. I found his cut off wedding ring in his trunk last nite--yes I was snooping. Looking for the telltale perfume he wears for her, for sexy underwear, Godiva chocolate. Anything he might hide before he left. That is what I found. I had the biggest panic attack. I slept only 3 hours, wanting to be awake before he left. He slept with his had under the pillow all night so I could not see for myself!<P>I finally started to question his trip again early this AM, trying hard not to LB, or pass out from my beating heart. I asked if she knew he was going; he said yes. I asked again if she would be there, he said she couldn't come. I asked him if he knew why I was awake--I told him "Secrets." I tried to get him to tell me about the trip and the ring(without directly asking), he could not connect with the answers.<P>Finally as he got out of bed to shower, I blurted out, "What's with your ring?" I almost passed out right there. If he knew I was snooping, he would be mad. I said "It looks different, let me see." It was brand new. <P>Yep. I said nothing, trying not to pass out while he dragged his bag down the hall. Then a thought came to me. After that whole night of pain. HE WAS STILL WEARING A WEDDING RING. He had not had it cut off and come home without it, he bought a REPLACEMENT. I don;t want to hope what this might mean, so I went out to say goodbye, and he WAS angry. I asked him why(I had caught him in a secret afterall.) I went on to tell him that I was gratified. Gratified that he still WANTED to wear a wedding ring. That that told me he was still trying. I hugged him and gave him a kiss. He said, "I thought you'd be angry that it wasn't the original one, but it really did hurt when I worked out..." and he hugged me back.<P>I know that he is still going to see the OW. I even hid a card last night that told him I love him in his briefcase. He will have that message now when he sees her. And the fact that he has a new ring might annoy her(if he keeps it on.) <P>I finally saw the good and took it for the kind gift that God had finally given me for my patience last night about not exploding on my H. I don't know what next Weds will bring with his return, but today I will survive. Today I am still married, and my h still lives at home. Even if his feelings are lost in the fog, he has not thrown it all away. Not yet. Not today.<P>Try to find the small gifts of good that God is giving you in your daily life. You will find that acknowledging them will lift your spirits. Thank God for every one!<P>Beth

up to the top for you, NGU!

HI Not Giving Up,<BR> I feel your pain and I know how horrible it can be. I will pray for you. HARD!! But I have a question for you.... <BR> Have you found out what YOU did to help make this possible? No, I didn't say you DESERVED this NO ONE does!! I asked if you have come to terms with what part YOU played in all this? <BR> I have experenced the GUT WRENCHING pain you have right NOW. Only we can TRULY understand this pain. The thing that helped me heal to this point is I went back and found out what I DID to create the atmosphere that affairs THRIVE on.<BR> Affairs are IMPOSSIBLE without it. Know what I mean? GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Thank you all for the help at a point when I couldn't see even my computer screen thru the tears!!! You all comforted me and the hugs were felt, imagine, I got a hug from france!!!<BR>The weekend didn't get any better, but therapy on Mon. morning brought out alot of feelings. I have pretty much resolved myself to the fact that I am very stuck.<BR>I just wanted to thank everyone.<BR>Burned spouse...I'm really trying to see the small gifts. Thanks for updating me. I'll keep in touch.<BR>